Thought Collage

It’s another fine morning in the Midwest and it’s cool 61 degrees. Winds out of the NorthWest with a 10% chance of precip this afternoon, most of your day looking sunny with a high of 75. Overnight you can expect a low of 60 degrees and 0% chance of precipitation. Sounds like the makings of fine day ladies and gentleman, what are you going to do with it?

As I sit here and attempt to formulate some idea or thought that will keep you reading past, It’s another fine day, I’m staring at my coffee that I haven’t finished and thinking off all the things on my to-do list. I ‘m thinking about last night where I volunteered at a fundraising event for The Liberty Women’s Clinic. I’m thinking about the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead that I have cued up on Netflix on the iPad right next to me. I’m think about the collage I want to make on bathroom mirror like the girl on Hungry for Change did. I’m thinking about Shaun T waiting for me in the basement and the rendezvous I have at noon with some amazing girlfriends, and all those thoughts are held captive by the fact that my dog is laying under my desk passing gas. It’s as if some great canine force wants to keep me from ever thinking again. I am immobilized, stagnant, and repulsed. And I wanted to share.

Last night. Did you know that since 1973, we’ve performed over 50 million abortions in the country?  That number is staggering. I know abortion is a touchy issue, it’s about women, it’s about children, it’s about life, the mothers and the child’s. No matter what side of the issue your on you have to agree, that number is insane! Why so many unwanted pregnancies? I don’t have anything else to say today, I mean I have lots to say, but I can’t say it right now. I just know I have to help in some way. Be it financially or physically, I have to do something. Why don’t these women and girls have any other options? Maybe the communities they live in aren’t providing that, maybe we need to step it up. That’s what The Liberty Women’s Clinic is doing, and I’m excited to watch and help be a part of that.

Wow, Debbie Downer. I am so her people. I get in a crowd of people and here come the saddening stats flowing like a river of mud right out of my mouth. What’s up with that? Ok, maybe I am not that bad, but I really feel like so many people have a general lack of information and I am the appointed one to share it. Seriously, I have to rein myself in sometimes. I want to educate people on the evils of processed beef, because watching Food Inc. twice gives one the authority to speak boldly on such subjects. Most people simply just don’t want to hear it. Ignorance is bliss they say. So, these days, I do a lot little more listening and less talking. Offering my 2 cents when asked. What a paradigm shift. Those of you who know me, well…I’M A WORK IN PROGRESS OK, I DIDN’T SAY IT WOULD HAPPEN OVERNIGHT! Ah hem. Excuse me.

What’s on my mind right now:

Making a “me” collage on my mirror.

Making scripture verses on cards today to remind me of God’s desire to nurture and heal me.

Plan to juice fast/detox next week during my recovery week of Insanity.

Pray for my family and my peeps.

Take care of my little 3 legged cat that is healing up from a vicious new dog in our neighborhood that attacked him.

Have a great weekend. And if you know anything about juicing drop me a link to your favorite sites.

Hungry For Change

Hungry For Change click here to watch free for two more days!

I’m watching this right now, it’s amazing! I am blown away and excited about doing some of this, been building up to this for a few years. I literally have the goosebumps watching it. So excited about detoxing and seeing how my body responds. Watch it friends and let me know how you feel about it!

Excited to be Obese

Well here goes. I weighed in this morning, lost roughly 12 lb. since February 28. I say roughly because when you hop on and off the scale the way I do, leaning one way, then another, weight on your toes, then on your heels, feet to the outside, then more to the middle, it’s a dance that I do on weigh in morning and I got a difference of 2 lb. between them all, so I’m taking the average. I have done Insanity Mon-Fri, religiously, tracked my calories, and had shakes to replace one meal…most days. I am one month into this process and I am seeing changes. Not only in my body, which is probably where I am seeing the least changes, but also on the inside.

I keep asking myself, is this something you are really willing to do on an ongoing basis?? The first few weeks trudging down to that basement was a chore, it was a grueling, frustrating, all caps, sharpie written task at the top of my to-do list. Now, it’s beginning to look a little more like the rest of my to-do’s, penciled in but still near the top, just under COFFEE.  That’s a good thing for me, it’s not so much this huge change, this exception from the norm, it’s more EDL. (Every Day Life) It’s like a part of the process, getting my day done, I say to myself, Time to go sweat a little lot, and then on to what’s next. So…in that way, I’ve changed. I think, I can actually make exercise a part of my life, maybe not Insanity, forever…but real movement, real exercise. If I were honest, I would love to run. I’m 38, running is probably not the sport a morbidly obese severely obese thirty-something should start, but I feel like I have a few good years left in me, I could probably run out a few of them. I would LOVE to train for this in late October, Zombie Survival Dash.(Nodding head like ahhhh-yeaaahh) 

About other changes. Anxiety. I am seeing someone. Not like seeing seeing but seeing a therapist. Wow, that’s sounds intriguing and this little voice inside my head says with a raised eyebrow and devilish grin, Tell me about it.  Okay, I will, here’s the scoop. One day I was talking to a friend of mine that I love dearly, she’s been a friend since my college days and she sees a therapist and is always talking about what they talk about. So one day I’m like: Hey! Why don’t I have a therapist?! So, I go out and get one, that’s what I do. I figure I might as well do it when I am trying to better myself, trying to let go of this ridiculous obsession with chips and chocolate. I’ve been on this path before, I’ve started this whole go me movement, and I always bail, always quit, this time, it has to be different, it has to stick. So, I did what any self-respecting woman would do, I got a therapist.

Let’s talk about her. Monday I drove up to the office like a bat out of hell, no kidding. I was late because I squeezed in my workout and left myself with 10 minutes to shower and drive 3 miles away, didn’t work out so well. I leapt out of my mini-van I swore I’d never drive and bounced up the steps to the office. I knew we’d have great things to discuss, I was on plan, working out, feeling great! I walked into her office, sat down on the comfy couch and right into her big brown, inviting eyes. Her soft relaxing music played and as she asked me how my week was going I could feel them…yep, the tears, welling up like a little 7-year-old girl who lost her puppy dog. I don’t even know why, she just has that effect on me. I went in to lament about my husband, and didn’t end up saying a word about him. It was all about me. I found myself at the end of session wanting to cry out, “WAIT! YOU HAVEN’T HEARD MY COMPLAINTS ABOUT MY HUSBAND YET!!” I didn’t. It was good, we talked anxiety, my past, why I deserve to do this, and how God wants to heal me for the sake of healing me and nothing else. I walked away feeling whole. I’m glad I got a therapist. I bet my husband is too.

It’s weird putting myself first. I feel like I am really trying to make my life and my quest to eat well and exercise first a priority. I make time for it, if I don’t get the whole house vacuumed and dusted but I got my workout in, so be it. No one outside my perimeter will know and those inside, frankly probably don’t care. The only one who puts extreme pressure on me to have an immaculate home is me, and that’s pretty freaking unfair of her. She’s relaxing a bit.

So, on to month two. Really, my next goal date is 6 weeks from now, that’s my best fren’s wedding, and yes I did spell friend, fren, because that’s the way I like to say it. I really would like to feel comfortable in my own skin and I feel like losing 30 lb. would do that for me. It would enable me to feel empowered and proud of myself when I go back to the ATL. I’ll still be 60 lb. away from goal, and 30 lbs away from being morbidly obese. STOP THE PRESS!!! I just looked up the weight charts for obesity and it seems I have some rather interesting news (there’s that raised eyebrow and devilish grin me again saying do tell!) I’VE NEVER BEEN MORBIDLY OBESE!  (Dripping with red-neck twang) Well…hot damn if this ain’t a reason to celebrate! I’ve only been severely obese ladies and gents, that’s nothing to “Step right up for!” I couldn’t have even been a money-maker in a side-show and that’s something to be right proud of! Seems they added the severely obese cater-gory and I never knew it… (end red-neck twang)

If I lose the additional 18 lb. by May 12, I’ll simply be…Obese. Hallelujah, I can work with that, and who ever thought I would be excited to be “Obese.” Have a blessed day.

The Epitome of Randomness

Ooooo-K. So I really like this blogging thing and find myself thinking about things I want to write about all the time. I just wish I had a little more dedicated time to do just that. But alas, there are only 24 hours in a day and I find myself squeezing in a little keyboard time, usually at the end of it. Even now as I listen to the sound of my husbands humming sonicare and then the toilet flushing, and so as not to gross you out, the final hand-washing, I am being waited for. We have a movie to watch but I gotta throw some words into the “internets.” I will throw them softly even though usually I want to launch them with the proverbial trebuchet.

There’s a lot going on in the news which bothers me. This whole Trayvon Martin incident and the fact that skittles are the new gang sign should have most of us wanting to have long, drawn out sit-downs with our boys. It’s a cruel world out there, and while I don’t profess to know all the details I will say, “I smell a rat.” Tonight a friend posted something on her Facebook that went like this:

-“i don’t watch the news…those stories keep me up at night–injustice rubs my soul raw. when i heard about treyvon martin’s death it brought me to my feet and left me with no where to go…but i’m afraid for my soul if i change nothing but my fb status update… {Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. — Martin Luther King Jr.}”

I thought that was very apropos, I’ve posted some stuff on my Facebook about it, so what next? I’ve read a lot of articles about it, I’m sad for his family. That’s all I have to say about it for now…sometimes, I just wished things were different, and I know I want to do my part to make this world a better place. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference- An exerpt from the serenity prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr.

So about changes, let me tell you wazz up with me. I am here, I am alive and I am feeling more since eating less. Is that what it boils down to? Is emotional stuffing eating all about forgetting circumstances? Is it a way to escape pain? Is food the socially acceptable crack, passed around in bible studies and block parties, peddled in gargantuan portions at American restaurants on any given evening? Are we numbing our nerves and calming our minds as we blindly eat upwards of 2,000 calories a meal?

If so, it’s a shame. A shame that a neighboring community has to enroll children in the back snack program for the weekends because momma can’t work it out enough to feed the hungry mouths she’s brought into this world. Or maybe that momma has chosen a different vice other than food, maybe she actually uses crack and that’s where the money goes, along with her dignity. How does it make you feel when you see a mother, a strung out crack addicted mother that is not caring for her children because of her preoccupation with her own addiction? Now contrast that with a mother in a grocery store or fast food restaurant that is clearly morbidly obese, and seemingly on a mission to coin a more intense description of her size? I can tell you that if she is in her pain and using food to soothe her aching soul, the children from both families are probably suffering parallel emotional distress. Back to my original point, one community has trouble feeding the family, the next can’t see the back of the pantry for all the food.

All that being said. I don’t know where the hell I’m going with this post. HA! I just sat here and started writing so if you’re reading this I sincerely hope you didn’t have any pre-conceived notions about the enlightenment you were about to be afforded. Maybe I just vomited into the internets instead of gracefully lobbing my words at you. Ah well, there’s always next time.

I am still on the wagon. Eating well for hunger, not for other reasons. I am learning how to have a new relationship with food. It’s there to nourish me and so I make better decisions, except that I am a recovering chip addict and right now the salty crunch in a Funyun has me rethinking my game. It’s the lowest calorie chip I can find and if I can fit that 180 cals into my daily grind an still work this plan I think I will die happy. It’s yet to be determined and if my trainer reads this there will be hell to pay. Otherwise, all’s well in the land of my fitness pal. Still grinding away at the Insanity, I’ve completed 3.5 weeks and I love the feeling of sweat running down the back of my neck. I’ve come to terms with the messy bun high on the back of my head every day after my shower, in fact, I’ve developed quite an affinity for the look.

Hubs is yawning, it’s his way of saying push play or I’m signing off…gotta go…to bed hungry, and that’s…ok.

Late Night Snacking

I just got back from seeing Jim Gaffigan, that was awesome. Love a night of good old fashioned gut busting laughter, cures what ails ya, that’s what Gramps used to say. Who am I kidding? I didn’t have a “Gramps” and if I did he wouldn’t have said that. I had a Granddad and a Grandpa and neither of them really talked to kids. So there. Just kidding, they talked to me all the time, “Hey kid, go get yer ol’ Granddad another beer would ya? And no that’s not a question.” Oh, I’m a liar. My Granddad didn’t even drink beer. He drank whisky. My mothers going to kill me. Whatever, I just wish she read this blog, she’s too busy watching American Idol to care about my WLW. You know, weight loss wows. Mom, you know I love you, and Granddad was a fine man, a farmer, and I loved it when he would scare me by sticking his falsies out at me.

Anywho, I digress. JG was redonk, that’s suburbia cool mom speak for off the chain. What’s that mean anyway? My point is this; I’m eating an apple, which is my entire reason for this entry.  I wanted to update the masses, and by masses I mean the two people following this, that I am making good healthy decisions at 10:20 pm. I am Huunngeerie. So, I grabbed an apple. Yes, I want a medal, or at least some kind of certificate of achievement, complete with a gold embossed seal of authenticity from Michaels craft store. It would mean a lot, if either of you get the hankering.

That’s all for now. Sweet Dreams.

THIS JUST IN—–>

Liberty woman who is said to have joined a “30 day challenge,” with a local trainer by the name of Mendy Shriver, has just been detained inside the Red Robin restaurant in Liberty. Witnesses say she was seen leaving the hostess store at 5:30 this evening with 10 boxes of ho-ho’s in her arms shouting, “Baabababaababbabbabaaaba.” She then sped away and was seen entering Culvers. Workers there describe her as, “disheveled” and “disorderly.” One employee said she shouted obscenities at her when she refused to make her a turtle sundae in the 64 oz cup. She demanded four #4 meals and then left with out paying. The manager says she did offer to have her husband come back and pay later, but she hurriedly left in a frenzy of french fries and chocolate. Eventually, the woman ended up at Red Robin when authorities were called because, “A customer was in the kitchen making her own double decker onion ring tower.” When apprehended the Liberty woman was hunkered down inhaling the “Whisky River BBQ Burger” (add bacon.) She was covered in ranch dressing and had steak fries in her hair. Witnesses say that as police escorted her off the property she was yelling something about a to-go box. A very sad, sad scene in Liberty tonight, ladies and gentlemen. John is next with a story about how eating out can alleviate stress, John?…

That sounds like the diary of a mad dieting woman. I weighed in this morning. I didn’t lose. The scale said I gained 1 lb. I shouted an obscenity at the scale. Really. I’ve worked…hard. But, I’ve had a few slip ups, and, I’m also…shall we say right in the middle of The Blessed Week. So tonight was supposed to be my free night. I give myself a free night after my weigh ins. Lately they haven’t felt so “free.” There is a lot of pressure to indulge, but not too much, but definitely to indulge, and hope the guilt doesn’t carry over to the next day. So tonight I decided to abstain, from my “free meal.” I ate the hell out of some salad, some über-healthy salad with vinegar and red wine. I made myself eat the, less than decadent spread, knowing that when hunger staved, the desire for palate drowning foods would subside. And it did.

So here I am. Reaffirming that another successful day is done, and counts big time mentally for me. That I am alive, and well, becoming less fat and more happy. There’s a cup of Aveda calming tea calling my name and maybe even a late movie. Life is good…without all the crap.

Inspires Skinny Girls, that’s My Indian Name

When I weigh in on Wednesday, I will have  been doing this new thing, this intentional eating, if you will, for a full three weeks. Wow, it seems more like three months. You know what they say, time flies when your having fun…eating lots of nutritional foods. Cue sad trombone. 

I’ve been struggling here and there, with my calories above or below the goal. I can’t always say no to indulgent foods, but do say no a fair amount of the time, which is much more than I ever did before. For three weekends in a row I’ve said no to the doughnuts at work. I love doughnuts. Yesterday, I did however, indulge in the creamy mexian corn dip and Fritos scoops. To the tune of 600 calories, much to my chagrin. But here’s the interesting part, in the past I’ve never pugged the “bad” calories into my journal. I’d hop on the float trip down the river denial and have a binging hay day. I used every little mistake as an excuse to bail. This time, I’m plugging it in. I’m not binging, but studying my patterns a bit. And best of all, I’ve not let it completely discourage me.

Having said all that, I’m discouraged. BAH. I am feeling more anxiety than I used to, which is probably due to the fact that I am not self-medicating. It’s so weird. I feel this funk in me sometimes that I just can’t shake. It’s real anxiety and I feel it in my body, now the hard part…how to deal with it in a constructive way. Prayer, meditation, reading, exercise?

Again, three weeks in…I sort of want to bail. Go back to self- loathing, eating junk-foods, living for the next bite. Man that sounds a bit like hell doesn’t it? Yeah, it does to me, and I can’t with a right mind chose to go back to that today. In fact, it kind of brings tears to my eyes. I hate living like that. So I have to find a way to white-knucle it through the tough part, to seek and find a better way to live. Find something more fulfilling and affirm myself. I may just have to do something Stewart Smalley-ish.

A skinny girl came up to me at work yesterday. She asked me how Insanity was going. Asked how bad it hurt etc. Then she said something amazing. She said I inspired her to get on it. She’s 41, her knees are bad, but she said if I could do it, she could do it. If I were walking in pride that day I might have been offended. But she’s right! I’m at least 80 lbs overweight. She’s maybe 5 -10 at the most and verbalizes her need to exercise. I inspired her. That’s pretty freaking awesome to me. And it just might carry me through another week of this intentional living.

Team Peterson

Soooo frustrated. I lost about 3 lb. on Wednesday for a total of 8 lb. in two weeks. Seems pretty good, right? Wrong. I am stirred up about it, can’t get my mind off it. Weighed again this morning and I was UP 1 lb. What the what?!?! To top it off, I have been going to bed hungry, working out like crazy, and working this plan hardcore. I need to get off the hamster wheel and let it go. The results will come and me obsessing isn’t going to fix anything. Sigh.

So I had a waffle, with peanut butter, banana, some syrup, and one pice of bacon for breakfast. Hmph. Calories barely over 400, fruit and protein, but the sugar in the syrup I could have done without. I was sharing my breakfast with hubs this morning and my frustration with the scale and he sent me the sweetest text. So I saved it, and now I’m gonna share it:

That made my morning. Why? Because it helped me to see that even though the scale isn’t moving as fast as I’d like, and I know 8 lb. in two weeks is great, we live in a biggest loser world with the biggest loser mentality, we want it all and we want it fast,  other things are happening. I’m teaching my kids a better way to eat, my husband is encouraged, and it’s bringing us all a little closer. Like Team Peterson. The thought of that brings a smile to my face.

Now that I have that out in the open, I can gear up for another crazy morning with my new best fren, Shaun T:

 Yesterday I think I sweat so much I lost a cheeseburger. I really, really enjoy these workouts. He’s very motivating, it’s fast paced, and seems to go pretty quickly. I feel stronger already and can’t believe I have been doing this about 2 1/2 weeks now, not missing a single day during the week. It’s a good thing.

Ok, so that’s my update. Tell me what’s going on in your life! What tactics do you use when fighting temptation? What’s your favorite healthy food and how do you STAY OFF THE SCALE??

Have a great weekend!

Finding Moderation

Before I, “enter title here,” I always write first. When I am done writing, then I will know what to entitle the post. As for any direction this is headed, I have no idea, I am just writing to write at this point so I’ll start with my dietary intake for this, the thirteenth day of March, two-thousand eleven.

I woke up and had two pieces of peanut butter toast and coffee with hazelnut cream, oh yeah, this, was the highlight of my nutritional day. I  had cottage cheese and cantaloup with some cheddar cheese and ham on whole wheat crackers at a meeting this afternoon. Got busy and didn’t get supper, so now I am drinking a shake. It’s too late to be drinking a shake, it’s a nutritional, protein shake but man, it’s too late. I have a weigh in tomorrow and frankly, I like to have my food done by 6 pm before a weigh in. Oh well. I have to, have to, have to get in a minimum number of calories. The shake puts me at 1200, which is too low, and I know it. The experts keep saying if you don’t get enough calories you will put your body into starvation mode. Lol, I only buy this for awhile, because sooner or later your body will adapt. But, I accept it as truth and have been really trying to stay right about 1600 calories. Again for me, it’s either 1,000 or 3,000. Remember the intensity vs hardcore complacency theme.

So tomorrow is a weigh in day. I lost 5 lb. my first week and I’m not sure what to expect tomorrow. I’ve been working out, eating right, or eating better, and if  I get a really low number, I am afraid I will be disappointed and turn to food for comfort. That’s usually how my playbook reads. But, I am editing the book so all bets are off. I am doing good things for me, and even a 1 lb. loss will be good for me. Here is where the rubber hits the road. I can’t turn to food for comfort, food has stolen the best part of me. I press on, no matter what the number says. Tonight, the number in my heart says I have tried hard, it says I am worth these changes, it says slow and steady wins the race. And, when I have crossed the finish line I will continue to believe that the lifestyle I have adopted is worth continuing. I want to do this, if for no other reason than to role model good choices to my kids, for the way it feels at the checkout lane when my cart is full of fresh and healthy foods and I’m salivating over the way I am going to prepare that asparagus, and roast that whole chicken. This is a good thing. It’s not so big that it will take over my life, but big enough to change it. I will focus on my blessings, my family, and my God.

Finding Moderation. That’s it. That’s the title. I want to find moderation and examine the part of me that resists it. I will pry open that ugly place and fill it with asparagus, but only one succulent serving at a time.