When I weigh in on Wednesday, I will have been doing this new thing, this intentional eating, if you will, for a full three weeks. Wow, it seems more like three months. You know what they say, time flies when your having fun…eating lots of nutritional foods. Cue sad trombone.
I’ve been struggling here and there, with my calories above or below the goal. I can’t always say no to indulgent foods, but do say no a fair amount of the time, which is much more than I ever did before. For three weekends in a row I’ve said no to the doughnuts at work. I love doughnuts. Yesterday, I did however, indulge in the creamy mexian corn dip and Fritos scoops. To the tune of 600 calories, much to my chagrin. But here’s the interesting part, in the past I’ve never pugged the “bad” calories into my journal. I’d hop on the float trip down the river denial and have a binging hay day. I used every little mistake as an excuse to bail. This time, I’m plugging it in. I’m not binging, but studying my patterns a bit. And best of all, I’ve not let it completely discourage me.
Having said all that, I’m discouraged. BAH. I am feeling more anxiety than I used to, which is probably due to the fact that I am not self-medicating. It’s so weird. I feel this funk in me sometimes that I just can’t shake. It’s real anxiety and I feel it in my body, now the hard part…how to deal with it in a constructive way. Prayer, meditation, reading, exercise?
Again, three weeks in…I sort of want to bail. Go back to self- loathing, eating junk-foods, living for the next bite. Man that sounds a bit like hell doesn’t it? Yeah, it does to me, and I can’t with a right mind chose to go back to that today. In fact, it kind of brings tears to my eyes. I hate living like that. So I have to find a way to white-knucle it through the tough part, to seek and find a better way to live. Find something more fulfilling and affirm myself. I may just have to do something Stewart Smalley-ish.
A skinny girl came up to me at work yesterday. She asked me how Insanity was going. Asked how bad it hurt etc. Then she said something amazing. She said I inspired her to get on it. She’s 41, her knees are bad, but she said if I could do it, she could do it. If I were walking in pride that day I might have been offended. But she’s right! I’m at least 80 lbs overweight. She’s maybe 5 -10 at the most and verbalizes her need to exercise. I inspired her. That’s pretty freaking awesome to me. And it just might carry me through another week of this intentional living.