Take What You Need

I feel like writing a bit more. I can tell because I am constantly churning out thoughts and sentences in my head while I do laundry, therefore I know it’s time to sit back down again. Sigh. I got some encouragement from a friend today. She wrote, “You are an inspiration!” on my fitness pal wall. You would think I’d run with that and feel elated all day. In reality though, I heard that negative old friend come right back at me. Oh yeah, you lost twenty pounds, big deal, give it time…you’ll gain it back and then some. You always go back to the food. 

Shot thru the heart. Cut to the seen when Mary leaves Loyd Dunn at the airport, he grabs his chest in pain, reaches one arm out and sings, goodbye my love.

Shaking head back and forth. I don’t know where that voice comes from. Maybe it’s me, the pessimistic, self-sabotaging girl that doesn’t think I deserve to change. Maybe it’s the devil, he’s nasty enough I guess. Whoever it is, it’s right. I have always gone back to the food. In my entire adult life I can only remember one time that I weighed under two hundred pounds. It was when I was twenty years old and just getting used to being a single mom in college. I was reading lots of good books, hanging with some good people, exercising and doing my best to make some serious changes. I think I got to about one ninety when life threw a fast ball right at my face and wham bam thank you mamn, yes I would like to upsize that please. I spiraled back into the comforting arms of food.

So here’s where the real battle begins. Twenty pounds. That’s great, but anyone, I mean anyone, can lose twenty pounds. How about ninety though? That’s what I have to lose total. It takes more than a little exercise and food changes to lose ninety pounds, it takes life change. So, am I ready for that kind of life change? Yes, I believe I am. I recognize that food is my fix. Plain and simple, it was the socially acceptable vice until I got so big I was uncomfortable. I have to allow myself some failures along the way. I won’t change overnight. I have gone back to food a few times, and each time I do I recognize it and take the necessary steps to combat it. Sometimes that means talking positive to myself, sometimes I get on here, sometimes I call a friend, each time, I pray.

I will fail, I will take a few steps back every now and then, but I am on a journey. A journey that doesn’t stop ninety pounds from now. A life long endeavor that seeks to find different ways to cope with problems other than scooby-dooing an entire bag of lays. I’m learning to breathe and be comfortable with an empty feeling in my stomach, I even welcome it sometimes. I’ve had some tough stuff come my way this past few weeks and quite honestly I didn’t know if I would make it. The anxiety, the fear and the sadness crept in and I immediately wanted comfort from the place I knew I could find it the quickest. By the grace of God I held my ground and asked what He was trying to teach me. Dependance, utter dependence on God for everything I need, so easy to type, so hard to put into action.

I still can’t quite picture my life without the food. I am still in a place of longing and from time to time I romanticize it. I dream of dinners with burgers and fries. And that my friends, is exactly how addicts live. I am no better than an alcoholic or drug addict except that excessive food is legal, for now. I am fully engaged in this journey though and admit I enjoy living without the morning sting of remorse for the bingeing done the night before. That is reason enough to stay the course, reason enough to continue. Besides, I owe it to myself. Goodnight.

Take What You Need

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6 thoughts on “Take What You Need

  1. I don’t think it is coincidence that your life has had chaos in the midst of your weight loss journey. Changes we make must be tested under stress and proven to be successful if they are to remain permanent. I congratulate you for keeping focused on your goal and trusting in the Lord for strength! Keep up the great work!

  2. 20 pounds is a big deal and a marker worth celebrating. Losing it slowly is the best way to take it off and it’s less likely to come back on! Look at it this way – you are in this to make a lifestyle change. It will take time. You will have setbacks, but if you are overall improving your eating and exercising lifestyle – the weight will stay off. I know it’s wicked hard, but try not to be fixated on the number and instead look at the bigger vision. I have been losing about pound a week with 6 day a week workouts and healthy nutrition and I’ve been utterly frustrated with the slow progress. But my dietician says its all good. And I’ve seen bigger changes in my measurements. If possible, take your measurements – it’s another great way to look at your progress! Hang in there! It’s change for good!

    • Thanks Maggie! I should try the measurement thing, although I never started with measurements but I could always start now. I did take some before pics that I am looking forward to comparing at the end of this first goal set! Take Care!

  3. I agree with the women above…relish in the accomplishment, not the failure of not loosing more!! I totally understand the feeling though of why aren’t these changes enough to drop even more. It sounds you are kicking but with exercise and making better food choices. Realizing this is a journey and not a quick fix is a great place to be. Being present with God and knowing He is sufficient is the goal!! Can’t wait to see the new you!! Love ya!!

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