Happy happy happy

New year that is, my husbands new favorite obsession is Duck Dynasty and everytime I think of the word happy I think about that show, and my husbands chirping around the house, “Happy, happy, happy…”

I read a Christmas card from a friend recently who told me I should keep this blog going, and he’s right, I should, I’ve missed it.

So about doing life, I am, or rather, it’s doing me. Life has a way of taking you by surprise and just when you think you are in control of things, BOOM, you realize your actually in the trunk of life’s Ford Fiesta, well hatchback, and your hanging on and wishing Life would put down the can of Schlitz and pull over at the next bus stop so you can get out.

That made no sense at all, but yet, it did. I’ve had an interesting year, arguably one of the most interesting I’ve had in awhile. On February 28th last year, I decided to tackle weight loss. That summer I ran my first 5k and then did my first triathlon. Later I found out that I was going to be a grandma, and then a big job change, Thanksgiving, a hospitalization, Christmas and all the yummy goodness that it brings. January 1 I had some decisions to make, up 20 lbs from my lowest weight, 30 to go to get back to that dreadful place I once was.

Bottom line? I am learning to love myself more each day, learning that I need grace just as much as the underdog I am always defending, hrm, is that irony? I’ve never really understood irony.
I feel best when my stomach is empty but my heart is full. Don’t misinterpret that.

Today was easier than yesterday.
It’s not about a number, ever.
Feeling good is a place I choose to go.
By body responds to less carbohydrates.
I can’t wait for spring when I reunite with my bike.
Exercise is my prescription for feeling good, not weight loss, but they work together.
I am the same girl at any weight. I am still loving, and passionate, and worthwhile.

Just some randomness to begin 2013, have a blessed day.

Dusty Canvases

Good morning…It’s another day, another hour passing, another blog post that begs to be more than meaningless words.

Weight loss, that’s what this blog is supposedly about, ok. Eph that. I need to just swirl everything into one focused thought. Losing weight, that’s good. Losing the behaviors that keep one in  self medicating  states, even better.

My struggles:

Anxiety

Fear

Fat

Loneliness

Laundry

Not kidding. I’m just a regular woman on a path, yesterday I felt like a girl and thought you saw me as that too until you called Ma’am one too many times. Just wait little woman, your day is coming. That’s the funny thing about life, no one gets out of this easy, if your lucky you’ll get wrinkles, you’ll love and lose it, you’ll die a thousands deaths in your heart and be left with emptiness of body and soul…and the sun will rise again in the morning, inviting you to do it all over again.

Since I have stopped using food medication, my anxiety level has raised to the point where I can feel it in my body. Not a great feeling. It really crept up on me, and guess what I am doing more of? Smoking. It relaxes me and I love it. I know it’s bad for me, inhale, which is why I have to get this crossed off my feel good list, yesterday.

Oddly enough, I am in the best shape of my life, I run once or twice a week and ride my bike an average of sixty to seventy miles a week. I am posting all of this because I need to say it. I am not going to pretend that life is roses or cherries all the ephing time, nor is it always cigarettes and Cheetos.

Desperate for middle ground and balance.

I haven’t hit my second goal, but I don’t care. Not a cop-out. I don’t care if it takes me two years to get this weight off because with each pound I am uncovering old pieces of myself that must be dealt with. Like spelunking in the attics of my life, the deeper I go the dustier the canvases become, and as I pull them off I discover a treasure buried there. Some treasure requires more time, more love, more preservation. Some, require burning. I didn’t get this way overnight. I won’t give up on me. Even if me takes forever.

My husband has been such a good man during this season in my life. He walks with me and deals with my high drama and emotional vomit. I won’t candy coat it,  he’s a pain in the ephhing ass too sometimes. But he’s a man, and we’re so different. I don’t pretend we have a marriage made in wonderland. We have a very real marriage. We wrestle it out, there are days we can’t stand each other, and days we want to be close. He’s a good friend, a good daddy, a good companion. I cringe at the thought of what his blog would say about me:) He doesn’t blog by the way…lucky me.

What you missed while I was away:

My Triathlon, I did it. Although I almost forgot how to swim, but I did it. YAY!

Atlanta, learned some lessons about myself while spending time with my dearest friend.

New job, forthcoming.

Made another video for the ANCC Art of Nursing film festival, not really creative, just helped a friend, earned a trip to LA in October.

 

 

 

So can you…

This is way overdue. I’ll explain, you see this series called Mad Men, is taking up my extra time. Tonight, I have a glass of red and I’m in. Must. Update. Blog.

Pushed through plateau, continuing to lose, working out hard, eating small. The single biggest thing that has helped me continue to lose is this, go to bed hungry-ish. Going to bed hungry-ish does mean lots of things though, such as, I ate a small healthy dinner, I didn’t go buck wild all day long, cut my carbs after lunch, and emotional eating…not allowed. 

As for that, emotional eating, it lingers there just below the surface, I feel it beckoning me to give in every now and then. It’s tempting, I’ll admit it, until I remember the real cesspool it always brings me to. Guilt, shame, hopelessness, unrelieved anxiety and…a bigger ass. Yeah, there’s that.

Here is the real whopper, I officially signed up for…wait for it, wait for it…a TRIATHLON. Sprint, of course. It’s a 500 meter swim, 10 mile bike, and 5K run. I’ve trained like crazy, self studying for a training guide and freaking the eph out. I’m not really doing any weight training, but I will get back to that later. The race is in about 2 weeks so I am focusing on my swim and my run, I think the bike will be my favorite part. I don’t have any lofty ideas here people, I want to finish, like with a time not a DNF. I want to make it to the finish line, period. My body hurts every night, but to say I’ve done a triathlon, to know how hard I worked, that will be my prize.

So my weight, well when I started this blog I was 250. My last official weight before that was 258, that was last summer/spring. I weighed in at 209 this morning. This is a big deal for me. Why, you ask? Because the last time I weighed in at 209 was back in 1994. Yep, 18 eph-ing years ago, wow, it’s amazing how long I let my self go, and go, and go. I am so glad that one day I decided I was worth the effort. I am so glad that I decided I deserved to find fitness and comfort in my skin. I am so glad that I decided to stop self-abusing. 

And now the stakes are a little higher, I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have about 50 to go. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s getting brighter every day. And there’s this realization that the light is only a mirage, because getting to my goal weight isn’t really a destination. Staying at my goal is a state of mind that I am working on every day, so that when I arrive I will have already been to dress rehearsal and ready to do. It’s a daily walk of self-control and humility. It’s a place where loving yourself means passing up the cookies now and then and giving yourself exercise as a gift. It’s a contemplative, honest, place where ones faults are reconciled daily and life can move on. It’s a place where I teeter now.

Inhale, exhale. I deserve this. I can do this. I can do this. 

And so can you.

Check out my triathlon site and feel free to support me if you like.

Matt Mason Cowboy up Triathlon

And here’s a few highlights from my very first 5k! The Kansas City Glow Run!

The Dream Crusher & The Latin Rock Band that Made it all Better

Lots on my mind tonight. First of all I have to confess something. I made cookies yesterday, just enough for the kids and thier friends to each have one of my homeade buckaroos. It’s my grandmother’s recipe, cocnut, chocolate chips, oatmeal, and I add some coarsely chopped almonds, yum. There was one that happened to be left over, I tried to get my friend to eat it and she declined. So there it sat, all day log, alone, on the cold glass stovetop.

Later, I came home from dinner and a movie with my family, and there it sat, still alone, rejected… scrumptious. So I took it, into my hand and gave it a home, in my tummy, with all the other bad food from the night. Later, I invited acai dark chocolate berries to the party. It wasn’t a good feeling, to go to bed full. I am getting used to going to bed hungryish. Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper. I am still having trouble with the big breakfast thing. I would rather do meals this way; price, king, pauper.

I went on a ride to the community center tonight, ready to swim some laps and ride home. My brick workout, where you stack two types of exercises from the tri. Being the newb that I am I forgot a lock for my bike and the silver headed rule follower working the front desk was under no circumstances going to let me bring my bike in. I all but begged, but no, said she didn’t want to be yelled at being new and all. That, and I suspect it gave her great pleasure to crush my dreams. Why do some people roll like that? I pictured her later that night eating her pot pie watching wheel of fortune feeling quite satisfied with herself, as if she’d done some great favor to the universe.

I ended up riding twenty miles and loving it! Tomorrow I will try to swim and run, but the best part about tonight was my new clip-less pedals and shoes. It felt a little like wearing tap shoes and bike riding but it was great! I don’t know if it was the coffee, or the shakeology I mixed with it, or maybe even the shoes but my ride was phenom. The hills were cake, I had no problems with them. I’ve been told that the shoes would help on hills and they must have, it was an entire different riding experience. Kudos to they guys at Epic bike and sport in near Parkville, Mo. Those guys are certifiably the best crew and bike shop I’ve been in so far. Which is why I pass two other bike shops and go all the way over there from Liberty to shop them. Service, it still works.

So I rode and rode and could have ridden another ten easily. I made myself go home because it was getting dark. Oye Como Va, the Santana rendition not the Tito Puente version, is now my official last song of the ride, it’s perfect. I’ve fallen in love with cycling.

Saint Paul

Wow, tonight was a hard ride. Made it to the downtown airport in mid pack and by the ride home I was at the back, thank God for a nice little man named Paul that wouldn’t drop me. I’m sure he was at least sixty. At one point, I was climbing what one guy referred to as, a short but steep little bastard,  Paul could tell I was struggling, he stayed right by me and said, “It only gets better from here, you have the best year of your life ahead of you,” in a hushed tone. I couldn’t believe my ears, I didn’t even know this guy and he was speaking life into me as I climbed that very nasty hill. I wanted to cry, I wanted to get off the bike, I wanted to stop, but then Paul told me exactly what I have thought in my heart for the past few months. I have the best year of my life ahead of me…keep pushing. 

I wanted to ask him to repeat what he just said, I wanted to make sure he said it, I could barely make out his words. It’s funny because he didn’t talk much, but when he did he made it count.

I made it, it was hot, I was miserable and I had a vibe for how the ride was going to go before I left. This was the first time I wasn’t super pumped to go. I am glad I did, I am glad I continued and didn’t call my husband to come and fetch me from the side of the road somewhere in downtown KC. I told Paul at the end of the ride, I know that if I just keep on doing this it will get a little easier every time. He said that was a true statement. And here’s the best part, I didn’t puke tonight.

I am officially starting a 30 Day Challenge! If you want to join me in this quest and want to try a month of Shakeology to supplement your nutrition please contact me! I want to do this with a group of people and see what we can do when we join forces, get accountable, and encourage each other. Near or far LETS DO THIS! Click here to read all about Shakeology!

It’s not the magic pill, shaking that is. But it is a healthy way to help curb cravings and get the needed vitamins, minerals, and essential amino acids your body needs and deserves, and it’s all natural, let me say that again, all natural. No artificial anything. That’s what I love.

Here is the magic pill, I am about to tell you what has worked for me over the past 3.5 months. I got motivated, encouraged, accountable, and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I watched you tube after you tube videos about people losing weight. I got out of my way and decided it was time and I was worth it. And by the grace of God I will continue to walk, run, and bike this journey, because I know I can.

Tom Dooley and the Obesity gods

Guess what I did yesterday? I weighed in on the hospital scale, and can you guess what it said? 222 pounds. That’s still three pounds higher than a few weeks ago. Ah, bummer, right? Poor me, I should go weigh on another medical scale because this one, it’s wrong.

Cut to me sneaking into an alcove of the emergency room that holds the most often used scale, slip off my scrub coat, my badge, my stethoscope, my shoes, try not to look conspicuous and pray like crazy an ambulance doesn’t arrive and someone comes to get the scale.

222…f..u..d..g..e.

I wan’t some, NOW!

Really? Last week I rode forty-two miles on my bike and  ran 6 miles. I cursed. Oh yes I did girl, yes I did! For the past two weeks I have been lax at work, eating what I wanted but trying to portion things out. I was giving myself a little… breaksy. I had hoped against hope that someone, anyone would bring in doughnuts…no one did. I have passed up the doughnuts for three months and dadblastit I was going to have some. No one brought anything unhealthy.

This weekend I was serious again. No cheating, just good old-fashioned healthy vittles! I had packed my lunch with tomato bisque, salad, peppers, chicken sausage, oatmeal with almonds for breakfast, shakes ready to go for supper and then promptly left it at home.

Then 222 hit me. All that exercise. 222.

Again, cue me, head hanging like Tom Dooley, feeling sorry for myself, I round the corner and like the gods of obesity were in command I see SEVEN $#$@% BAGS OF DOUGHNUTS sitting on the trough.  That’s what we call the place people put food to share with the entire ER. Here’s the best part, the doc that brought em’…sitting in a chair eating her perfectly portioned bag of almonds. Bitch.

Sorry.

Well, I lifted up my head and walked straight by those little nuggets of evil sent by the obesity gods, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and had the best weekend of eating yet! 

 Or…I walked over to those doughnuts and scooby-doo’d more than I care to share on the very public blog. I then went on to continue the self loathing for lunch by having a mystery meat cheesy grilled sandwich, chips, and later ate some of the best little fruit tart cookies off the trough again. Three or four I can’t remember, but at this point, none of it really  matters. I came home and had pizza and salad and ate a pop-tart later when no one was looking.

Shaking head back and forth. Not a good day in the old play book Ro.

About today, what did I do about today? I shook it off, I bounced around in my corner, I pulled out all the no excuses language, I got mad at the obesity gods, I refused to die today. Today I ate:

  1. Two hard-boiled eggs
  2. Spring mix salad, avocado, chicken sausage
  3. I had FOUR tortilla chips from the trough with guacamole I made for one of our docs who is leaving.
  4. Chocolate Shakeology shake before meeting my family at Hunan Garden for Father’s Day dinner.
  5. Three pieces of honey chicken, small serving combo fried rice, one crab rangoon.
And a side of peace and restored self-respect tonight. Feeling sorry for oneself is a dangerous cancer. If I hadn’t been so consumed with silly little numbers I would have been able to keep perspective. Like, it’s a very bad time of the month, for me to weigh, I was still fully clothed and had a huge cup of coffee, and numbers are just numbers. I can’t let them control me that much. I am in this to win this. I cannot allow myself to jump ship because the scale doesn’t move.
Tomorrow I ride and I really can’t wait.
I need some extra accountability and I might try to start a Shakeology 30 Day Challenge and see if anyone wants to join me. I am still proud of how far I’ve come and how far I WILL go. I believe in me. 
Have a blessed night.


These Gloves $uck!

I went on my second group ride tonight, I think it was around twenty-two, twenty-three miles. It was good, I wasn’t at the very back of the pack and worked hard to stay with some guys in the middle. I did pretty good on the way but on the way back there are so many hills and they finally had left my @$$. Which is fine, I didn’t expect them to wait for me, that’s annoying, but I did get lost and have to ask some woman in suburbia land for directions. As luck would have it I was only about two blocks from the rendezvous point.

I did not puke tonight, probably due to the energy bars I ate just before the ride and no extra exercise today. It was also a night and day difference between the hybrid and the road bike. The road bike is so smooth. My only regret about biking thus far is that I didn’t start sooner, I hate that I have missed this for so long. What I love about biking is that I rode tonight with twenty-somethings and sixty-somethings, and it was a work out for all. It’s really my exercise of choice, and quickly becoming a favorite pastime as well.

As I drove home tonight I rolled down the windows, ok not literally but I don’t think that expression will ever die, but I noticed how beautiful it was and I felt recovered and had to talk myself out of getting on the bike again when I got home. I think I’ve found my new vice. And in the words of Martha Stewart, it’s a good thing. 

I’ll leave you with a little newbie humor. On my first ride I got to try out my new biking gloves, red, white and black, like my bike. I sported those babies and felt like the enthusiast. The next few rides I was in Oklahoma and I continued to wear them, but much to my chagrin my hands continued to go numb. I kept having to shake them out and not only was it perplexing, but irritating. Irritating because I paid thirty-five bucks for a pair of gloves that weren’t doing $hit for me. Then I started to check them on the side of the road, I thought to myself; self, why did they make these gloves with all the padding on the anterior surface, one would think the padding would best serve a rider on the palmar surface to ease the pressure?  Then it dawned on me…maybe, I have them on back wards. I peeled them off and flipped them over and traded hands and voilà! You can imagine my embarrassment but then I realized there was no one there to witness my cycling faux pas…smile…except the thirty or so riders at my first group ride, some of whom (insert sarcasm) are a schosh above novice. Hardy, Har, Har. 

Schosh: adj. meaning a tiny bit. (Brought to you by, made up words from Ro)

Sleep well friends.

Do or Die

Hello world. Isn’t that the first post of every blog. Well it seems like forever since I’ve posted so hello again.

Let’s get down to brass tacks…the nitty gritty…the low down dirdee heart of the matter. I haven’t lost any weight in probably three weeks. There’s that. I also haven’t gained, not really. I weigh about three pounds more that my lowest weight but it’s nothing of significance. Could be water or maybe I did gain a few pounds back but what matters to me is that I haven’t binged. I haven’t followed a superb diet plan, in fact I’ve eaten some junk. But the junks been interspersed with good old fashioned healthy and I chose small and leave food behind.

I have a second goal to meet by mid August. I need to get busy and serious, it’s just that I’ve been in this lingering funk and it’s do or die time for me. I’m thirty-eight years old and so thankful for this life, this opportunity to grow and make choices and live and love. It’s the pain I didn’t count on, the pain of life that can immobilize me and send me spiraling. It hasn’t yet, but I feel it’s presence looming over me and quiet whisper in my heart to do…or die.

It’s during this time when I am so weak that it’s most important for me to love myself, to work hard, to focus. I have an adult child that is taking a very different path than I dreamt for her. My faith is weak. I must let her go, give up control, not judge and pray without ceasing. In the end, life is life and she will go the way she chooses but I will always pray. She texted me for the first time in almost two months yesterday. I will take the little blessings and hold them tight.

I’m riding tonight. Hoping I won’t be in the back of the pack the entire time again but if I am so be it. At least I’m riding. Looking forward to getting back in the groove this week. Summer feels like its in full swing and the kids are keeping me busy.

Have a great day.

Stale Cheetos and Wine

Last night I consumed too much wine. So much for living moderately. My sister and I had some deep conversation seasoned with lunacy. By 12:00 I was in that what can I find to eat after drinking too much mode and promptly found some honey buffalo peanuts, a leftover bag of stale jalapeño Cheetos, and chased them with a German chocolate brownie thing that I had eyed nervously the past three days.

Insert look of disgust here.

Needless to say I didn’t get my bike ride in this morning. Bleh. I’m mad at myself about that. I’m really frustrated, but I know that I’m not perfect and today is a new day. Riding is up for debate considering it takes me a couple of hours and I’m not sure about asking my sister and her family to watch the kids while I go ride for two stinking hours. The reason I had it planned for 0600.

BAH. Live and learn. I do know this, there will be no wine consumed tonight! I’m not really hung over, so to speak. I feel pretty good and I can honestly say I didn’t have a whole bottle of wine, maybe fourish glasses, that’s two, too many if you plan to get up and ride in a strange town the next day. If I don’t ride today I will be up and riding at 0600 tomorrow morning. The smell of my teen nephews socks alone was enough to cure any would be hangover, they’re like organic smelling salts. Maybe smelling salts are organic but either way, wow. I sat down next to them on the couch this morning and immediately knew something was rotten in Denmark. I located the culprit laying on the floor in an inconspicuous mass of noxious gas.  They are currently being stored in an airtight container on the floor of the laundry room.

Gotta run, I’m taking the kids to Sun and Fun today and I should probably feed them first. Have a good day.

Oklahoma where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain!

I am in Oklahoma this week, decided to hang out here after coming down Sunday night to watch my sister and my Dad go skydiving Monday. It was always her dream to go with him and for his sixtieth birthday she made it happen. I was really proud of both of them, and they had a great time.

When I decided to come here I had mixed emotions. Taking any kind of trip away from home makes me a little nervous these days. I have a routine at home, my job is to eat right, exercise, take care of the kids, and hopefully get a few loads of laundry done and cook a few meals. Leaving that umbrella of security I worry that I won’t be able to stay on plan. Luckily, my sister is doing Body by Vi so she’s also in the zone which is extremely helpful to me. I also know that this is good practice for me, life will always go on, and vacations and getaways can’t always be an excuse to go off on a self-depreciating food binge…doesn’t make sense anymore.

Why it ever made sense is a conundrum. The worst part of food addiction is that it’s unrelenting. The biblical terms that come to mind are, “a continual lust for more.” Ephesians 4:19
That’s one of the reasons I don’t want to even dip my foot in the waters of chips and chocolate, I know that kind of food does not nourish. I am still very much aware that I am not out of the water, I am going to have to keep sharp, eyes open, head in the game.

My goal is threefold and I have made it to the first milestone. I weigh about two hundred and nineteen pounds. I weighed two hundred and fifty-eight pounds this time last year. That’s almost forty pounds, and I am very proud of how far I’ve come. I would like to lose sixty more, I have two goal dates, August and November, I am running a 5k in July and I am biking regularly. I am excited and scared at the same time, but I am taking it one day at a time.

Since I’ve been here I’ve ran, and I’ve cycled. I set out and biked seventeen miles of uncharted Ponca City terrain Monday, it was awesome, I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow. I rode the new Dolce Compact Sport and it was so much better than the hybrid. I rode past some amazing homes, they had to be at least a half a million dollars, but remember this is Oklahoma, and you better believe there was a pick-up truck parked at every one of them, cracked me up.

So the rest of this week has lots of fun in the sun in store, movie nights with my sis, a glass or three of wine, and lots of reflection. There are no piles of laundry taunting me, no floors that need mopping and no weeds staring up at me begging to be pulled, well at least not any that are on my property, haha, my sister does’t read this.

Have a great week everyone, get out there and sweat a little, eat a few veggies, and start loving yourself, you deserve it.

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