Do What?!

Good morning, and what a beautiful one at that. I walked out of the gym at about 6:45 and the smell of spring consumed me like a drug. That combined with the elation that comes with the knowledge that I just burned several hundred calories before 7am and there’s no impending workout to contend with, set the tone for what I hope will be….the most amazing day.

Nothing on the schedule that is particularly awesome but today just feels warm and peaceful. My granny used to have furry rabbit skins around the house, I’m not sure why, but the way those skins felt when running your hands over them as a child, was warm and soft and…peaceful. That’s how I feel this morning. Pumping the brakes here as I feel like the dead rabbit skin analogy was just a little much. Moving on.

Homeschooling is what excites me this morning. Yep, homeschooling. We’ve decided to give it a whirl. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for so many years but never had the courage to step out and just try. I never felt like I was competent enough or patient enough or conservative enough. Ok, I’m conservative but in a very relaxed way, is that possible? Then a few months ago I felt a check in my spirit, for about the hundredth time, and the question was again raised, can I entertain this home school thing?

I think the first step in answering the question was, why do I want to home school? And I found out there are so many reasons, here is my short list:

1) Flexibility, being tied down to the district calendar for lack of a better word, stinks.

2) Time, I miss my kids because I work weekends, homeschooling will enable me to spend more time with them and it doesn’t take nearly as long as a typical school day. The older they are the more involved they are in sports and activities that take them away from our home. Eight hours in school, home for a snack, football, baseball, gymnastics, dance or the sport du jour takes up the rest of the day. If I home school we actually have time for family and learning things like chores and cooking and other family responsibilities.

3) Curriculum, introducing the study of religion and bible which they don’t get in the public school and is something I think is extremely important. I can also tailor their education to their learning style and spend more one on one time with them than their teacher can.

4) FIELD TRIPS! Speaks for itself, I can’t wait for field trips!

There’s probably more but that’s what I can come up with now. We are planning to attend the Teach them Diligently homeschooling conference in Omaha Nebraska next week and looking forward to learning lots more about curriculum and homeschooling in general.

Stay tuned to my blog for updates on how a crazy girl like me fares in a this new world. Fingers crossed this doesn’t automatically qualify my kids for therapy. Have an extra awesome day!

seasons

Sitting here at my desk I feel the weight of the wet winters day. The wind is up, and the naked trees look fragile as they bend in it. I hear the screeches and yearnings of a train in the distance, and finally it’s whistling down some old railroad.

Today I am contemplating life. My daughter, my baby, is eloping. She’s twenty years old today, and she will be a married women by nightfall. Today I look back at my life, the life of my mother and grandmother and listen to my ancestors before them, they tell me to rest. Nothing is happening that hasn’t happened before, nothing can come that will separate the bonds we share. Process and proverbs, we all rise and fall to the beats God put in our hearts thousands of years ago.

My wish for her today is simple, that she learn to rest in this life. It seems today I am finding it so much simpler than I once had. There are big problems and small problems, but in reality, they are all but little moments in which we can practice surrender.

I am surrendering today. Like the naked tree in the winters wind I will lean into it, not looking graceful at times, not caring, my roots are firm. I know that spring is coming, and winter again. There is nothing new under the sun.

I am resting in the blissful idea that life will happen just as it should, and I will learn from it just as I should. In the spring and summer, fall and winter, there will bountiful blessings and sorrows alike, and I will soak in every second of this amazing gift called LIFE.

Do or Die

Hello world. Isn’t that the first post of every blog. Well it seems like forever since I’ve posted so hello again.

Let’s get down to brass tacks…the nitty gritty…the low down dirdee heart of the matter. I haven’t lost any weight in probably three weeks. There’s that. I also haven’t gained, not really. I weigh about three pounds more that my lowest weight but it’s nothing of significance. Could be water or maybe I did gain a few pounds back but what matters to me is that I haven’t binged. I haven’t followed a superb diet plan, in fact I’ve eaten some junk. But the junks been interspersed with good old fashioned healthy and I chose small and leave food behind.

I have a second goal to meet by mid August. I need to get busy and serious, it’s just that I’ve been in this lingering funk and it’s do or die time for me. I’m thirty-eight years old and so thankful for this life, this opportunity to grow and make choices and live and love. It’s the pain I didn’t count on, the pain of life that can immobilize me and send me spiraling. It hasn’t yet, but I feel it’s presence looming over me and quiet whisper in my heart to do…or die.

It’s during this time when I am so weak that it’s most important for me to love myself, to work hard, to focus. I have an adult child that is taking a very different path than I dreamt for her. My faith is weak. I must let her go, give up control, not judge and pray without ceasing. In the end, life is life and she will go the way she chooses but I will always pray. She texted me for the first time in almost two months yesterday. I will take the little blessings and hold them tight.

I’m riding tonight. Hoping I won’t be in the back of the pack the entire time again but if I am so be it. At least I’m riding. Looking forward to getting back in the groove this week. Summer feels like its in full swing and the kids are keeping me busy.

Have a great day.

Really??

I honestly can’t believe I just did that, referring to my last post that is. Posting pictures of myself in attire I wouldn’t even wear in my yard whilst gardening and uploading them to the inernet is either really courageous or assine. I don’t honestly know what to make of it other than maybe I’ve grown a pair and am starting to become the person I really want to be, and that means authenticity. If this is a tool I use in order to get the life I deserve, so be it. But I still think it’s bat shit crazy.

Reminds me of the SNL skit where Seth Meyers pauses, flashes my before and after and looks straight at me, “Really? Really? No, Ro, really?”

Ah well, what’s done is done. It helps a little that I don’t publicize this on my FB feed. As in, my close aquaintances don’t see this…hopefully. I started this really anonymously, at first it was private, then I let a few close friends and family memebers know about it. Then I just decided to get all hardcore about it and make it public.

Right now I am in our van waiting on the fam to “empty their bladders,” as hubs referred to it when talking to the children. He makes me laugh. The dog is sitting on my lap and we are heading to Oklahoma. The Dolce is in the back and I can’t wait to get up early and ride some Oklahoma roads.

I’m spending the week with my sister and looking forward to it. Not looking forward to this ride but maybe I can catch a nap. I haven’t eaten dinner and there is an evil McDonalds across the street starring me down like a cowboy with a loaded gun. Can you hear the showdown music playing…to be continued…

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Magnetized by the Mic While I Kick my Juice …

Good morning. It’s a windy cool day here in Kansas City, Missouri and if you’ve had your air on the past few days you might want to switch back to the furnace…again. Weirdest. Weather. Ever.

There was a field trip for my sons kindergarten class that was cancelled due to the threat of bad weather, my husband opted out of a planned camping trip tonight for the same reason. I love a day that opens up but I have a hard time with unplanned events. I had plans for the day and now I do not. I have nothing extraordinary to share, so my words will be like useless chatter filling up space unless I can pull something out of my head in three, two, one…ok, juicing.

Last night my son asked me repeatedly, “Mom, can we make some juice?” My grandmother gave me her juicer to try out for a while before I buy one and it’s been sitting in the kitchen. What kind of person takes a juicer from an old woman, you ask? Well, that would be me, and besides, you don’t know my grandmother, she’s a pushy ol’ gal who gets her mind-set on something and doesn’t take no for an answer. And she never uses it, ever, ok once. It’s a dandy if I do say so myself, the Omega brand, very nice. I finally relented and told my son we could make juice on one condition, we make a green juice. He agreed, so we set to work.

I am actually glad he asked because I had a bag of fruit that desperately needed  using and the juice came out quite splendid. Here is what we added:

  • Grapes
  • Oranges
  • Lemons
  • Apples
  • Spinach, and lots of it.

The juice turned out really tasty, better than the last time I made a green that included kale and cucumber. I don’t know what’s up with that Kale I got but, Hello RANK. Yeah, to drink it was an exercise in lunacy. The juice was to drinking as dog feces is to scentsy. Ok, that was just uncalled for but really, I am not exaggerating. If anyone has ever used Kale please tell me what the secret is. I added green apple, orange, lemon, and ginger and still, it was a no go. Last night was a much different story, we all loved it and will be making it again. Now if I can get a shot of wheatgrass in there without them knowing that would just be a bonus. Here are a few pics.


Goal Update

Good morning! So, with the somber tone of my last post I just want to update and let my friends know that I’m much better now. While I really miss my daughter, I woke up last Thursday morning overwhelmed with peace about our decision to ask her to leave. It was an emotionally draining week but I cast my cares upon him, and he cared for me 1 Peter 5:7. I haven’t spoken to her since she left, I have no idea where she is, but I am excited for her and hopeful that her confidence will begin to soar as she learns to fly on her own. Please keep her in your prayers.

Now, goal update. I’m twenty pounds down, have ten to go to hit my May 12th goal of thirty pounds. I have eighteen days to do this. Ten pounds in eighteen days, hrm, sketchy. So here’s what I’m thinking.

1) I may have to be satisfied with coming within five pounds of my goal.

2) I took a hard look at my calorie log and asked myself what I could change.

Carbs. They need to decrease. I cheat here and there and haven’t been adding my coffee creamer to my daily fitness pal. I also haven’t been drinking my water like I should. I have some weapons I can definitely pull out of the arsenal to help me achieve my goal. I would really, really like to get on this and come as close as possible.

The lower carb strategy may come in really handy especially since I am having a real struggle with the insanity workouts. I’m still going strong but it hurts. Everywhere I look there are recommendations not to do insanity unless you are already in great shape and not overweight. Well I decided to do it anyway and I can feel it in my hips and knees. This second month is a killer. I’m really trying to modify the movements and still get a workout but some of the moves are just comical. In other words, I watch and am like, oh hell naw. If I have to change my workout for a bit the low carb diet will help but I really don’t want to quit. I want to finish. I have approximately three weeks left and I want to finish! I need to finish, for my own mental health. I think the sense of accomplishment will really send me strong into my next goal period.

Ok, any words of wisdom are welcome! Have a wonderful day. And if you are using My Fitness Pal please add me as friend! My username is rolandap.

Pressing ON

Oh boy, it’s time to do this. I need to update/vent/write something, anything. I’m sitting here at my computer, tears streaming down my face. Not because I have failed at my diet, not because I am feeling sorry for myself, but because we are having to use tough love with the young adult in our home. She was such a good little girl who loved art and sports and being goofy. In high-school she was a nationally recognized athlete and always competed at the state level. A few years ago things changed and without getting into all the sordid details, I’ll just say, her life changed. I remember buying a wall decal for her room in jr. high. We painted, bought new linens, and I proudly applied the decal too her wall, Little Soul Your Dreams are Waiting. UGH, a statement that really crushes me today. She hasn’t found those dreams…yet. I have to trust God, that one day, she will. But tomorrow, she will have to pack her things and leave our home, I don’t know where she will go our what she will do, but we have to stick to this. She broke some extremely important nonnegotiable for living here, and she broke them consistently.

Moving on. I am sad, that is a fact. But I must press on. I am still plugging away at Insanity, I’m currently on month two, day four. It says today is a recovery day, yeah right. If I know Shaun T, there ain’t no recovery gonna happen in my basement unless I grab a bag of chips and watch them exercise. This month is much harder than the first. Lots of plyometric exercises that I feel I have no right doing right now. I attempt them though, the best I can, and have added daily doses of Naproxen to my diet.

Easter weekend was tough. We spent a few days with family, there was a birthday, and lots and lots of food. I did…ok. Not stellar and by the time we came home I was all wrapped up in guilt over cake and ice cream and had decided to blow it the next day too. I ended up eating out for all three meals that day, broke my thirty-five day my fitness pal streak and was basically done. I started to hear those negative thoughts again and almost believed them. Through prayer and the support of friends I mustered up the courage to start anew the next day. I haven’t weighed much since then. I repeat to myself, slow and steady wins the race many times a day. I try to remember that this isn’t a contest though, I don’t ever get to just stop. Losing weight is a by-product of these decisions and one day the weight loss will stop. When that happens, the by-product will become maintenance of health. That’s all.  These are difficult concepts for me, but I am accepting them more and more each day.

I guess that’s all for now. Sorry for the somber tone of this post, I’m not crying anymore so that’s good, right? About to go get sweaty in my basement, I’ll start by pressing ON. Have a blessed day.