The bathroom is only 10 ft away…

It’s been a long day, I’ve longed for this moment when I collapse into bed but there’s one problem, I’m still in my clothes and haven’t brushed my teeth. This is no bueno.

Right now I dream of Jeannie comes to mind…now that’s a skill.

My feet would be massaged, my jams would be on, my teeth would be brushed, and I’d be a size 4.

I guess there’s a reason that show was fictional. Working for something, even as small as clean teeth and bedtime clothes make the reward feel like an accomplishment.

If I were to wake up in the morning a size 4 I’m sure I’d be all broken up about having been denied the opportunity to work for it. Not. But I wouldn’t know the cost and I’d probably quickly gain the weight back again.

So, the bedtime story moral tonight, is enjoy the journey. Whatever your journey is, seek out the joy and hold those things close, they are the meaning behind your mission.

Right now, it’s the toothpaste calling me, and my cozy new jams, I can’t wait to sleep…

Sweet dreams.

Dear Me,

I started to formulate this letter in spin class this morning, I think I deserve to actually compose it and publish it, it’s a word of encouragement for myself, and anyone who needs it. Dearest friend, I applaud you for … Continue reading

Fit-Fat

Hands

Gratitude, what’s it about anyway? It’s about not feeling sorry for yourself, not being a victim, it’s about empowerment, it’s about grace and thankfulness.

1. Friends, these people hold me accountable and let me be me, they let me vent and say all the things I couldn’t otherwise say, I wouldn’t otherwise say, if not for a discerning ear. They know what to hold on to, and what to let go of, and what is in my heart. This morning, I’m thankful for friends.

2. Life, I am simply awestruck at this opportunity. The possibilities are endless, the potential for life altering mistakes and victories, the complexity, the fragility, and the knowledge that it’s all so very simple.

3. Health, I feel like starting a FB page called fit-fat. Yeah, you read that right, fit-fat. I’m not kidding here. I am fat, I own that, but I also own that I am pretty darn fit right now and yes, those two can coincide. Hopefully, I can get powerless over the food and as a natural effect of my physical fitness and food choices the fat will go away, but for now I’m fit-fat…and I’m good with that.

4. Springtime…enough said.

5. Fender benders. I have a 2005 paid off Dodge Grand Caravan that I’ve wanted detailed for a few years now. It’s never been in the budget, until now. The other day I was hit from behind in the carpool line, this mom seemed was a little flighty. The incident resulted in a little dimple in the bumper, barely recognizable.  The adjustment and check I received from her insurance company was just shy of the cost of detailing my van. Thank goodness no one was hurt, but who knew that morning driving the kids to school in my pajamas that I would soon be able to afford the cost of  detailing!

One more word about health. I received a pretty amazing compliment the other day. I went to spin class at the gym and pushed myself, it was exactly what I needed, sweat was pouring off my head, good times. After class two girls stopped me and asked me if that was my first time in class, they commented on how well I did. They were noticeably struggling through it. I told them that I normally come to an earlier class and that I am doing ripped now so I use spin for an off day. My level of endurance was obviously impressive…they didn’t know I was fit-fat. 

In conclusion, it was an awesome feeling. Take a few minutes to get grateful and sweat a little today, these will help you learn to love yourself a little more and when we love ourselves we are in a better place to love others and God.

Blog from the Bike

I just finished my workout given to me by fireman trainer Gus. My partner had a date with a biscuit so I had to go it alone. It’s ok though, it’s done, and I didn’t think I was going to be able to do it, mostly because my legs and butt and arms hurt so bad already. I sweat and I worked hard and I listened to “For Today” the Christian metal core band from Iowa during the whole thing and even as I post this.

Regarding Christian metal core; it’s awesome! I’ve never been a huge fan of metal, save the stent in high school when I hung around a bunch of metal heads, rap has always been my preferred workout genre. It’s definitely growing on me and I need some new bands to download. The fact that its Christian and metal core is…different? I can’t have negative, non life giving music in my head, but I need the excitement of the music. For Today combines the beauty of Gods encouraging spirit with fierce drum, guitar and melodies, and serious fuels my workouts.

That’s all…for today. Cheesy pun intended.

Happy happy happy

New year that is, my husbands new favorite obsession is Duck Dynasty and everytime I think of the word happy I think about that show, and my husbands chirping around the house, “Happy, happy, happy…”

I read a Christmas card from a friend recently who told me I should keep this blog going, and he’s right, I should, I’ve missed it.

So about doing life, I am, or rather, it’s doing me. Life has a way of taking you by surprise and just when you think you are in control of things, BOOM, you realize your actually in the trunk of life’s Ford Fiesta, well hatchback, and your hanging on and wishing Life would put down the can of Schlitz and pull over at the next bus stop so you can get out.

That made no sense at all, but yet, it did. I’ve had an interesting year, arguably one of the most interesting I’ve had in awhile. On February 28th last year, I decided to tackle weight loss. That summer I ran my first 5k and then did my first triathlon. Later I found out that I was going to be a grandma, and then a big job change, Thanksgiving, a hospitalization, Christmas and all the yummy goodness that it brings. January 1 I had some decisions to make, up 20 lbs from my lowest weight, 30 to go to get back to that dreadful place I once was.

Bottom line? I am learning to love myself more each day, learning that I need grace just as much as the underdog I am always defending, hrm, is that irony? I’ve never really understood irony.
I feel best when my stomach is empty but my heart is full. Don’t misinterpret that.

Today was easier than yesterday.
It’s not about a number, ever.
Feeling good is a place I choose to go.
By body responds to less carbohydrates.
I can’t wait for spring when I reunite with my bike.
Exercise is my prescription for feeling good, not weight loss, but they work together.
I am the same girl at any weight. I am still loving, and passionate, and worthwhile.

Just some randomness to begin 2013, have a blessed day.

Dusty Canvases

Good morning…It’s another day, another hour passing, another blog post that begs to be more than meaningless words.

Weight loss, that’s what this blog is supposedly about, ok. Eph that. I need to just swirl everything into one focused thought. Losing weight, that’s good. Losing the behaviors that keep one in  self medicating  states, even better.

My struggles:

Anxiety

Fear

Fat

Loneliness

Laundry

Not kidding. I’m just a regular woman on a path, yesterday I felt like a girl and thought you saw me as that too until you called Ma’am one too many times. Just wait little woman, your day is coming. That’s the funny thing about life, no one gets out of this easy, if your lucky you’ll get wrinkles, you’ll love and lose it, you’ll die a thousands deaths in your heart and be left with emptiness of body and soul…and the sun will rise again in the morning, inviting you to do it all over again.

Since I have stopped using food medication, my anxiety level has raised to the point where I can feel it in my body. Not a great feeling. It really crept up on me, and guess what I am doing more of? Smoking. It relaxes me and I love it. I know it’s bad for me, inhale, which is why I have to get this crossed off my feel good list, yesterday.

Oddly enough, I am in the best shape of my life, I run once or twice a week and ride my bike an average of sixty to seventy miles a week. I am posting all of this because I need to say it. I am not going to pretend that life is roses or cherries all the ephing time, nor is it always cigarettes and Cheetos.

Desperate for middle ground and balance.

I haven’t hit my second goal, but I don’t care. Not a cop-out. I don’t care if it takes me two years to get this weight off because with each pound I am uncovering old pieces of myself that must be dealt with. Like spelunking in the attics of my life, the deeper I go the dustier the canvases become, and as I pull them off I discover a treasure buried there. Some treasure requires more time, more love, more preservation. Some, require burning. I didn’t get this way overnight. I won’t give up on me. Even if me takes forever.

My husband has been such a good man during this season in my life. He walks with me and deals with my high drama and emotional vomit. I won’t candy coat it,  he’s a pain in the ephhing ass too sometimes. But he’s a man, and we’re so different. I don’t pretend we have a marriage made in wonderland. We have a very real marriage. We wrestle it out, there are days we can’t stand each other, and days we want to be close. He’s a good friend, a good daddy, a good companion. I cringe at the thought of what his blog would say about me:) He doesn’t blog by the way…lucky me.

What you missed while I was away:

My Triathlon, I did it. Although I almost forgot how to swim, but I did it. YAY!

Atlanta, learned some lessons about myself while spending time with my dearest friend.

New job, forthcoming.

Made another video for the ANCC Art of Nursing film festival, not really creative, just helped a friend, earned a trip to LA in October.

 

 

 

So can you…

This is way overdue. I’ll explain, you see this series called Mad Men, is taking up my extra time. Tonight, I have a glass of red and I’m in. Must. Update. Blog.

Pushed through plateau, continuing to lose, working out hard, eating small. The single biggest thing that has helped me continue to lose is this, go to bed hungry-ish. Going to bed hungry-ish does mean lots of things though, such as, I ate a small healthy dinner, I didn’t go buck wild all day long, cut my carbs after lunch, and emotional eating…not allowed. 

As for that, emotional eating, it lingers there just below the surface, I feel it beckoning me to give in every now and then. It’s tempting, I’ll admit it, until I remember the real cesspool it always brings me to. Guilt, shame, hopelessness, unrelieved anxiety and…a bigger ass. Yeah, there’s that.

Here is the real whopper, I officially signed up for…wait for it, wait for it…a TRIATHLON. Sprint, of course. It’s a 500 meter swim, 10 mile bike, and 5K run. I’ve trained like crazy, self studying for a training guide and freaking the eph out. I’m not really doing any weight training, but I will get back to that later. The race is in about 2 weeks so I am focusing on my swim and my run, I think the bike will be my favorite part. I don’t have any lofty ideas here people, I want to finish, like with a time not a DNF. I want to make it to the finish line, period. My body hurts every night, but to say I’ve done a triathlon, to know how hard I worked, that will be my prize.

So my weight, well when I started this blog I was 250. My last official weight before that was 258, that was last summer/spring. I weighed in at 209 this morning. This is a big deal for me. Why, you ask? Because the last time I weighed in at 209 was back in 1994. Yep, 18 eph-ing years ago, wow, it’s amazing how long I let my self go, and go, and go. I am so glad that one day I decided I was worth the effort. I am so glad that I decided I deserved to find fitness and comfort in my skin. I am so glad that I decided to stop self-abusing. 

And now the stakes are a little higher, I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have about 50 to go. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s getting brighter every day. And there’s this realization that the light is only a mirage, because getting to my goal weight isn’t really a destination. Staying at my goal is a state of mind that I am working on every day, so that when I arrive I will have already been to dress rehearsal and ready to do. It’s a daily walk of self-control and humility. It’s a place where loving yourself means passing up the cookies now and then and giving yourself exercise as a gift. It’s a contemplative, honest, place where ones faults are reconciled daily and life can move on. It’s a place where I teeter now.

Inhale, exhale. I deserve this. I can do this. I can do this. 

And so can you.

Check out my triathlon site and feel free to support me if you like.

Matt Mason Cowboy up Triathlon

And here’s a few highlights from my very first 5k! The Kansas City Glow Run!

The Dream Crusher & The Latin Rock Band that Made it all Better

Lots on my mind tonight. First of all I have to confess something. I made cookies yesterday, just enough for the kids and thier friends to each have one of my homeade buckaroos. It’s my grandmother’s recipe, cocnut, chocolate chips, oatmeal, and I add some coarsely chopped almonds, yum. There was one that happened to be left over, I tried to get my friend to eat it and she declined. So there it sat, all day log, alone, on the cold glass stovetop.

Later, I came home from dinner and a movie with my family, and there it sat, still alone, rejected… scrumptious. So I took it, into my hand and gave it a home, in my tummy, with all the other bad food from the night. Later, I invited acai dark chocolate berries to the party. It wasn’t a good feeling, to go to bed full. I am getting used to going to bed hungryish. Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper. I am still having trouble with the big breakfast thing. I would rather do meals this way; price, king, pauper.

I went on a ride to the community center tonight, ready to swim some laps and ride home. My brick workout, where you stack two types of exercises from the tri. Being the newb that I am I forgot a lock for my bike and the silver headed rule follower working the front desk was under no circumstances going to let me bring my bike in. I all but begged, but no, said she didn’t want to be yelled at being new and all. That, and I suspect it gave her great pleasure to crush my dreams. Why do some people roll like that? I pictured her later that night eating her pot pie watching wheel of fortune feeling quite satisfied with herself, as if she’d done some great favor to the universe.

I ended up riding twenty miles and loving it! Tomorrow I will try to swim and run, but the best part about tonight was my new clip-less pedals and shoes. It felt a little like wearing tap shoes and bike riding but it was great! I don’t know if it was the coffee, or the shakeology I mixed with it, or maybe even the shoes but my ride was phenom. The hills were cake, I had no problems with them. I’ve been told that the shoes would help on hills and they must have, it was an entire different riding experience. Kudos to they guys at Epic bike and sport in near Parkville, Mo. Those guys are certifiably the best crew and bike shop I’ve been in so far. Which is why I pass two other bike shops and go all the way over there from Liberty to shop them. Service, it still works.

So I rode and rode and could have ridden another ten easily. I made myself go home because it was getting dark. Oye Como Va, the Santana rendition not the Tito Puente version, is now my official last song of the ride, it’s perfect. I’ve fallen in love with cycling.

Really? My Humps?

Well Blah. Yes, that’s my current state of mind…and I can’t put my finger on why. A friend of mine made a comment a few weeks ago that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I was kind of bummed when we were talking, said I felt like I was in a funk over a few things, and she said, “Why are you feeling that way, you just lost thirty pounds, you should be on top of the world!” My friend also has a lot of weight to lose.

It’s becoming painfully obvious that ones weight does not necessarily equal ones happiness. I mean, I was always depressed-ish at two hundred fifty-eight pounds. There wasn’t a lot in life that was fun because I was constantly self-conscious. But, when I was with true friends and family I still enjoyed myself, especially when carbohydrates were involved. But just because I have lost some weight doesn’t necessarily mean life is an instant  bowl of cherries. Happiness is peace in your heart, that peace leads to less self-abuse and decreased self-doubt. I am still a food addict, but the pull is less and less every day.

I read another girls blog about weight loss, actually I read a few. She is obsessive over the food she eats, what she weighs, and nothing is ever quite good enough. I would never write this on her blog, but I expect she’ll gain her weight back, because she’s not happy with who she is at her core, and she expects the weight loss to cure everything. I wish I knew her well enough to tell her so. She reminds me of myself at a young age. It wasn’t until I gave up dieting and started look up and in, that I found the strength to do this. It’s about so much more than the food and the day-to-day calorie requirements.

I ran the couch to 5K tonight. I am on week six and it’s getting pretty tough. It was also very hot out tonight which added to my lack of excitement. I have to really be on it now, I am officially signing up for a triathlon sprint called the Matt Mason in Smithville Missouri. I think I am good on the bike, but I need to really focus on the run and the swim. I will be taking a swim class specifically for people looking to improve for a triathlon. Scary thought. I am out of my mind. It seems very apropos that I have the song, Over my Head by The Fray on my playlist now. My playlist is another curious subject. If you saw it you would probably laugh at the eclectic myriad of musical treats. Especially the Black Eyed Peas song, My Humps, that’s one the whole family can enjoy! I know what you’re thinking, she’s such an intellectual. The song is mindless, but it has a great beat, and the funniest thing about it is the monkey business piano interlude at the end of the song. I guess I never really realized it was there, it’s as if they are making amends with the listener for having had to endure Fergie singing about her humps in the first place. I guess I can appreciate that, thank you Will.I.Am, thank you.

Here is my current playlist for your reading pleasure:

40 Deep (feat. Tedashii & Trip Lee)

Under The Bridge 4:24 Red Hot Chili Peppers

Under Pressure 3:57 Queen Classic Queen

Thriller 5:57 Michael Jackson Thriller

Spazz (Prod by Charlie Heat Sarah J) (DatPiff Exclusive) 3:24 Lecrae Church Clothes

Robot 3:34 Trip Lee The Good Life

Pump Up the Volume (USA 12″ Mix) 6:47 Colourbox Best of Colourbox

Paul Revere 3:41 Beastie Boys Licensed to Ill

Oye Como Va 4:18 Santana The Best of Carlos Santana

Over My Head (Cable Car) 3:55 The Fray

No Sleep Till Brooklyn 4:07 Beastie Boys Licensed to Ill

My Humps 5:27 Black Eyed Peas Monkey Business

Make It Bun Dem 3:34 Skrillex & Damian

Lose Yourself 5:20 Eminem 8 Mile

Lose Control (Featuring Ciara & Fat Man Scoop) 3:47Missy Elliot featuring Ciara & Fat Man Scoop

Get Ur Freak On 3:57 Missy Elliott Miss E…So Addictive

Feel Good Inc. 3:41 Gorillaz Demon Days

Church Clothes (Prod by Wit) (DatPiff Exclusive) 2:24 Lecrae Church Clothes

Brain Damage 3:46 Pink Floyd A Foot In the Door – The Best of Pink Floyd

Bohemian Rhapsody 5:58 Queen

Best of You 4:16 Foo Fighters In Your Honor

APB ft Thi’sl (Prod by Charlie Heat Sarah J) (DatPiff Exclusive) 3:32 Lecrae Church Clothes

Another Brick In the Wall, Pt. 2 3:49 Pink Floyd A Foot In the Door – The Best of Pink Floyd

I am seriously considering removing Thriller, it hasn’t really done anything for me on my runs, as well as Feel Good Inc. I have a feeling I am going to be changing this list up a lot. I get bored so easy. Right now though, my favs are bold.

I had a funny thought the other day. What If my thirty-eighth year I practice triathlon sprints, then my thirty-ninth year I do an Olympic triathlon, and as the ultimate way to ring in forty, I try the Iron Man.

Bahahaahahahaaaahaahhaa!

I leave you with that and the fact that as I was doing my sixth week of the couch to 5k today, I remembered that thought, and left it in a ditch somewhere. Oh yeah, and I weighed in at 217 this weekend. Goodnight.

Saint Paul

Wow, tonight was a hard ride. Made it to the downtown airport in mid pack and by the ride home I was at the back, thank God for a nice little man named Paul that wouldn’t drop me. I’m sure he was at least sixty. At one point, I was climbing what one guy referred to as, a short but steep little bastard,  Paul could tell I was struggling, he stayed right by me and said, “It only gets better from here, you have the best year of your life ahead of you,” in a hushed tone. I couldn’t believe my ears, I didn’t even know this guy and he was speaking life into me as I climbed that very nasty hill. I wanted to cry, I wanted to get off the bike, I wanted to stop, but then Paul told me exactly what I have thought in my heart for the past few months. I have the best year of my life ahead of me…keep pushing. 

I wanted to ask him to repeat what he just said, I wanted to make sure he said it, I could barely make out his words. It’s funny because he didn’t talk much, but when he did he made it count.

I made it, it was hot, I was miserable and I had a vibe for how the ride was going to go before I left. This was the first time I wasn’t super pumped to go. I am glad I did, I am glad I continued and didn’t call my husband to come and fetch me from the side of the road somewhere in downtown KC. I told Paul at the end of the ride, I know that if I just keep on doing this it will get a little easier every time. He said that was a true statement. And here’s the best part, I didn’t puke tonight.

I am officially starting a 30 Day Challenge! If you want to join me in this quest and want to try a month of Shakeology to supplement your nutrition please contact me! I want to do this with a group of people and see what we can do when we join forces, get accountable, and encourage each other. Near or far LETS DO THIS! Click here to read all about Shakeology!

It’s not the magic pill, shaking that is. But it is a healthy way to help curb cravings and get the needed vitamins, minerals, and essential amino acids your body needs and deserves, and it’s all natural, let me say that again, all natural. No artificial anything. That’s what I love.

Here is the magic pill, I am about to tell you what has worked for me over the past 3.5 months. I got motivated, encouraged, accountable, and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I watched you tube after you tube videos about people losing weight. I got out of my way and decided it was time and I was worth it. And by the grace of God I will continue to walk, run, and bike this journey, because I know I can.