Food Toxicity

The morning is calling me. Every day I get up earlier and earlier to exercise and watch the sunrise. After being locked in my basement for two plus months with Shaun T and Insanity, working out in nature feels like…heaven. It’s one amazing high for me.

I started the couch to 5k Monday, it’s hard for me to go at that pace after Insanity, I feel like I could push myself more, but I’m choosing to trust the process and let my body adapt which is a big step for me. On my off days I am riding my bicycle, yesterday I rode fourteen miles in the country, it was amazing. I never realized how much I love being outdoors in nature.

I’ve blogged in the past about the voice in my head, the negative, pessimistic, self-defeating voice that I’ve worked hard to overcome. I reaffirm myself each time a negative thought or cynical attitude creeps in, I read positive literature, I search for others success stories, I work at changing that voice. The other day while riding my bike up a hill and pushing myself as hard as I could I heard another voice, had a new thought, however you describe it here is what it said, Don’t ever stop, keep going, you can do this. I knew it wasn’t just about that hill, it was about everything, this journey, this life, this pursuit of health and peace.

I have also posted before about having difficulty accepting the loss of foods major role in my life, the comforter. Being unable to run to the nearest baked good  has admittedly been anxiety provoking, but I can say with one hundred percent certainty that its pull is lessening in my life. I can imagine a happy, peaceful existence without living for the next bite. I’ve made it almost ten weeks this way and honestly, life feels clearer, more in focus than it ever has before. I am not on a diet, I loathe the word.

This goal for me has been three-fold, physical, spiritual, and scientific.

  1. Physical because I need to move, I need to sweat to get myself feeling again. I’ve numbed up so much that the exercise is life-giving at this point, let alone  the health benefits. I aim for an 80/20 eating style. Eighty percent of the time chose healthy foods to keep the body functioning. Healthy foods like greek yogurt, protein from organic meats and dairy, vegetables, and fruit. I try to drink shakeology for one meal because it is so good for me. I ingest less carbohydrates in the latter part of the day and try to go to bed wanting a little something, very difficult for someone who put the kids to bed and had ice cream every night, as a rule. I am still working on making breakfast the bigger meal and decreasing as I go.
  2. Spiritual because one does not get to being one hundred pounds overweight without acknowledging there is something deeper at going on. I did not get there by simply making a few bad food choices, I got there because of self-abuse, self-loathing, and food dependance. I had a severe case of food toxicity. I write to explore theses issues, I see a therapist to help me process anxiety and find it’s root, I pray to seek guidance on the journey and I reaffirm myself for encouragement. Surrounding yourself with positive people doesn’t hurt either. I believe that to lose weight and battle food toxicity, one must look deeper while seeking betterment. Without that process, the weight will most certainly come back, something I simply can’t allow to happen.
  3. The Scientific really goes along with physical but it’s part of the equation I am choosing to separate. Simple science makes it easy to shed pounds, if you work the process. And one cannot work the process unless there is determination, drive, and courage. Much of this in my life comes from number two. The process, calories in vs calories burned, glycemic index and blood sugar levels, hunger and fullness. The basic principal of hunger and fullness alone are enough to shed some weight. But finding the place where your body is hungry and cessation of eating with satiety are quite the extreme art for someone who has used food as a drug for most of their lives. Anyone can maintain a healthy weight by simply eating by the bodies cues of hunger and fullness, no matter how healthy the food is. Which is why you have people like my sister in law who will be a size three into her old age because she only eats by this rule, and she eats whatever she wants. Not a reason to stop choosing healthier options, just an observation. I will point out though that you can find her snaking on healthy foods as often as you see her having a cookie, because she lets her body be her guide and enjoys all foods.

I’ve had so many thoughts I’ve wanted to share but this has been an extremely busy week and I didn’t get to update as much as I wanted. I am going to have to update a bit more from my phone. My husband and I are leaving for Atlanta on Thursday morning for my best friends wedding, *goal box numero uno to the right. So where am I at on the goal you you ask? This morning I am two hundred twenty two pounds. Two pounds from the goal. We will be eating eat as soon as we get there and the celebration continues until Sunday morning at a Mother’s Day Brunch at the hotel we will be staying at, needless to say, continued loss may be difficult. I am determined to make the goal though, so we will see.

I’ll leave you with a bit of encouragement from a former paratrooper in the gulf war. Thanks for all of you who read this, and feel free to comment. Godspeed.


Inspires Skinny Girls, that’s My Indian Name

When I weigh in on Wednesday, I will have  been doing this new thing, this intentional eating, if you will, for a full three weeks. Wow, it seems more like three months. You know what they say, time flies when your having fun…eating lots of nutritional foods. Cue sad trombone. 

I’ve been struggling here and there, with my calories above or below the goal. I can’t always say no to indulgent foods, but do say no a fair amount of the time, which is much more than I ever did before. For three weekends in a row I’ve said no to the doughnuts at work. I love doughnuts. Yesterday, I did however, indulge in the creamy mexian corn dip and Fritos scoops. To the tune of 600 calories, much to my chagrin. But here’s the interesting part, in the past I’ve never pugged the “bad” calories into my journal. I’d hop on the float trip down the river denial and have a binging hay day. I used every little mistake as an excuse to bail. This time, I’m plugging it in. I’m not binging, but studying my patterns a bit. And best of all, I’ve not let it completely discourage me.

Having said all that, I’m discouraged. BAH. I am feeling more anxiety than I used to, which is probably due to the fact that I am not self-medicating. It’s so weird. I feel this funk in me sometimes that I just can’t shake. It’s real anxiety and I feel it in my body, now the hard part…how to deal with it in a constructive way. Prayer, meditation, reading, exercise?

Again, three weeks in…I sort of want to bail. Go back to self- loathing, eating junk-foods, living for the next bite. Man that sounds a bit like hell doesn’t it? Yeah, it does to me, and I can’t with a right mind chose to go back to that today. In fact, it kind of brings tears to my eyes. I hate living like that. So I have to find a way to white-knucle it through the tough part, to seek and find a better way to live. Find something more fulfilling and affirm myself. I may just have to do something Stewart Smalley-ish.

A skinny girl came up to me at work yesterday. She asked me how Insanity was going. Asked how bad it hurt etc. Then she said something amazing. She said I inspired her to get on it. She’s 41, her knees are bad, but she said if I could do it, she could do it. If I were walking in pride that day I might have been offended. But she’s right! I’m at least 80 lbs overweight. She’s maybe 5 -10 at the most and verbalizes her need to exercise. I inspired her. That’s pretty freaking awesome to me. And it just might carry me through another week of this intentional living.