Dear Me,

I started to formulate this letter in spin class this morning, I think I deserve to actually compose it and publish it, it’s a word of encouragement for myself, and anyone who needs it. Dearest friend, I applaud you for … Continue reading

Happy happy happy

New year that is, my husbands new favorite obsession is Duck Dynasty and everytime I think of the word happy I think about that show, and my husbands chirping around the house, “Happy, happy, happy…”

I read a Christmas card from a friend recently who told me I should keep this blog going, and he’s right, I should, I’ve missed it.

So about doing life, I am, or rather, it’s doing me. Life has a way of taking you by surprise and just when you think you are in control of things, BOOM, you realize your actually in the trunk of life’s Ford Fiesta, well hatchback, and your hanging on and wishing Life would put down the can of Schlitz and pull over at the next bus stop so you can get out.

That made no sense at all, but yet, it did. I’ve had an interesting year, arguably one of the most interesting I’ve had in awhile. On February 28th last year, I decided to tackle weight loss. That summer I ran my first 5k and then did my first triathlon. Later I found out that I was going to be a grandma, and then a big job change, Thanksgiving, a hospitalization, Christmas and all the yummy goodness that it brings. January 1 I had some decisions to make, up 20 lbs from my lowest weight, 30 to go to get back to that dreadful place I once was.

Bottom line? I am learning to love myself more each day, learning that I need grace just as much as the underdog I am always defending, hrm, is that irony? I’ve never really understood irony.
I feel best when my stomach is empty but my heart is full. Don’t misinterpret that.

Today was easier than yesterday.
It’s not about a number, ever.
Feeling good is a place I choose to go.
By body responds to less carbohydrates.
I can’t wait for spring when I reunite with my bike.
Exercise is my prescription for feeling good, not weight loss, but they work together.
I am the same girl at any weight. I am still loving, and passionate, and worthwhile.

Just some randomness to begin 2013, have a blessed day.

Dusty Canvases

Good morning…It’s another day, another hour passing, another blog post that begs to be more than meaningless words.

Weight loss, that’s what this blog is supposedly about, ok. Eph that. I need to just swirl everything into one focused thought. Losing weight, that’s good. Losing the behaviors that keep one in  self medicating  states, even better.

My struggles:

Anxiety

Fear

Fat

Loneliness

Laundry

Not kidding. I’m just a regular woman on a path, yesterday I felt like a girl and thought you saw me as that too until you called Ma’am one too many times. Just wait little woman, your day is coming. That’s the funny thing about life, no one gets out of this easy, if your lucky you’ll get wrinkles, you’ll love and lose it, you’ll die a thousands deaths in your heart and be left with emptiness of body and soul…and the sun will rise again in the morning, inviting you to do it all over again.

Since I have stopped using food medication, my anxiety level has raised to the point where I can feel it in my body. Not a great feeling. It really crept up on me, and guess what I am doing more of? Smoking. It relaxes me and I love it. I know it’s bad for me, inhale, which is why I have to get this crossed off my feel good list, yesterday.

Oddly enough, I am in the best shape of my life, I run once or twice a week and ride my bike an average of sixty to seventy miles a week. I am posting all of this because I need to say it. I am not going to pretend that life is roses or cherries all the ephing time, nor is it always cigarettes and Cheetos.

Desperate for middle ground and balance.

I haven’t hit my second goal, but I don’t care. Not a cop-out. I don’t care if it takes me two years to get this weight off because with each pound I am uncovering old pieces of myself that must be dealt with. Like spelunking in the attics of my life, the deeper I go the dustier the canvases become, and as I pull them off I discover a treasure buried there. Some treasure requires more time, more love, more preservation. Some, require burning. I didn’t get this way overnight. I won’t give up on me. Even if me takes forever.

My husband has been such a good man during this season in my life. He walks with me and deals with my high drama and emotional vomit. I won’t candy coat it,  he’s a pain in the ephhing ass too sometimes. But he’s a man, and we’re so different. I don’t pretend we have a marriage made in wonderland. We have a very real marriage. We wrestle it out, there are days we can’t stand each other, and days we want to be close. He’s a good friend, a good daddy, a good companion. I cringe at the thought of what his blog would say about me:) He doesn’t blog by the way…lucky me.

What you missed while I was away:

My Triathlon, I did it. Although I almost forgot how to swim, but I did it. YAY!

Atlanta, learned some lessons about myself while spending time with my dearest friend.

New job, forthcoming.

Made another video for the ANCC Art of Nursing film festival, not really creative, just helped a friend, earned a trip to LA in October.

 

 

 

Saint Paul

Wow, tonight was a hard ride. Made it to the downtown airport in mid pack and by the ride home I was at the back, thank God for a nice little man named Paul that wouldn’t drop me. I’m sure he was at least sixty. At one point, I was climbing what one guy referred to as, a short but steep little bastard,  Paul could tell I was struggling, he stayed right by me and said, “It only gets better from here, you have the best year of your life ahead of you,” in a hushed tone. I couldn’t believe my ears, I didn’t even know this guy and he was speaking life into me as I climbed that very nasty hill. I wanted to cry, I wanted to get off the bike, I wanted to stop, but then Paul told me exactly what I have thought in my heart for the past few months. I have the best year of my life ahead of me…keep pushing. 

I wanted to ask him to repeat what he just said, I wanted to make sure he said it, I could barely make out his words. It’s funny because he didn’t talk much, but when he did he made it count.

I made it, it was hot, I was miserable and I had a vibe for how the ride was going to go before I left. This was the first time I wasn’t super pumped to go. I am glad I did, I am glad I continued and didn’t call my husband to come and fetch me from the side of the road somewhere in downtown KC. I told Paul at the end of the ride, I know that if I just keep on doing this it will get a little easier every time. He said that was a true statement. And here’s the best part, I didn’t puke tonight.

I am officially starting a 30 Day Challenge! If you want to join me in this quest and want to try a month of Shakeology to supplement your nutrition please contact me! I want to do this with a group of people and see what we can do when we join forces, get accountable, and encourage each other. Near or far LETS DO THIS! Click here to read all about Shakeology!

It’s not the magic pill, shaking that is. But it is a healthy way to help curb cravings and get the needed vitamins, minerals, and essential amino acids your body needs and deserves, and it’s all natural, let me say that again, all natural. No artificial anything. That’s what I love.

Here is the magic pill, I am about to tell you what has worked for me over the past 3.5 months. I got motivated, encouraged, accountable, and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I watched you tube after you tube videos about people losing weight. I got out of my way and decided it was time and I was worth it. And by the grace of God I will continue to walk, run, and bike this journey, because I know I can.

One of these things is not like the other…

Quick update before I go to bed. Kids got out for summer this week, that’s been fun so far. I have had a serious case of the blah’s this week. Trying to stay on path and keep strong but for some reason I’ve been in a funk. Lots going on in my family now. I have a bit on my mind, one of my children is going through a lot and I’m thinking of her often. Still waiting for my bike…which has me kind of antsy, and sassy, and snarky.

I just decided to become a beach body coach. Sounds a little suspect right? I am about 220 lb and don’t look like your average beachbody coach. But in my defense I have to point out a few things:

  1. Last year at this time I weighed 258 lb, more than I have ever weighed, ever.
  2.  I’ve worked hard since Feb 28 to set goals and attain them.
  3. I’m educating myself about what is healthy food and what isn’t.
  4. I’m using Shakeology as a supplement and meal replacement system.

People ask me all the time about Shakeology and Insanity. My trainer who got me started on all this talked to me about becoming a distributor and persuaded me. Why not tell people and possibly make a little money for my own shakes in the future. Lots of people are going to buy it anyway, so why not? Now, here is where the rubber meets the road, I can’t stop now. I am taking this accountability thing to the ninth degree, and that’s a good thing. I don’t want to give up, but I will admit I am at a bit of an impasse and I need to get serious again to continue losing. My body is getting comfortable and it’s time to push through. I will probably start P90x when I get back from Oklahoma next week and continue to train for the 5K Glow Run in KC in June.

Ready for my progress thus far?

I can definitely tell a difference, what about you? I can’t wait to post my summer goal pics. I sure hope I make it! I am really excited and proud of myself for doing the thing I always thought was impossible. I know that I deserve it now, that’s the difference. I also know that if others can do it, so can I!

Goodnight.

Excuse me ma’am, there are ruffles in your hair.

So Friday was a great day. I had an awesome time on the unexpected date day with hubs. We went out for lunch and then he took me home so I could nap while he went to the store. Seriously, dream date. Especially because I ate really good at Olive Garden, I mean I threw down. Grubbed. Salad, two and a half bread sticks, a bowel of zuppa toscana, and the shrimp appetizer. Oh, and the alfredo dipping sauce for the bread. I worked out that morning and vowed to eat better that  night. Well sadly, that didn’t happen. We ended up at Price Chopper and the kids wanted fried chicken and mashed potatoes for couch supper and movie night, and yours truly was obliged to partake in the festivites. I didn’t eat an entire breast, but I added some other not so good for me foods, that you’ll only be privy to if your my fitness pal fren.

Saturday morning I decided that punishment was in the air, I drank Shakeology for each meal, save the time I walked into the break room ravenous and someone had left an open huge bag of Ruffles and ranch dip there for anyone to eat. Three minutes later my charge nurse had to call for restraints. It wasn’t that bad but I mentally heard healthy me say, “STEP AWAY FROM THE CHIPS!” So I did, but I counted two servings in my fitness pal for good measure. Overall, it was a good day, I was under my calorie goal and woke up nice and hungry with no regrets, I love waking up that way.

Now, let’s talk about Insanity. I have two weeks left, two weeks before the wedding, two weeks before my goal. I’m going to push it. I have about eight pounds to lose, I don’t care if I don’t get to goal as long as I am full steam ahead in trying. I am still a little worried about it, I still hurt in my left hip flexor and down my left leg. I think it might be my sciatic nerve so I may schedule a massage this week and maybe even a chiropractor appointment or two. I have to make this first goal, or at least get very close.

I got off work a few minutes early last night, so on my way home I decided to go on a mini driving iphone shoot. It was fun. It’s amazing how much art you find in everyday life if you just open your eyes and look for it. Here are a few of my shots.

Excited to be Obese

Well here goes. I weighed in this morning, lost roughly 12 lb. since February 28. I say roughly because when you hop on and off the scale the way I do, leaning one way, then another, weight on your toes, then on your heels, feet to the outside, then more to the middle, it’s a dance that I do on weigh in morning and I got a difference of 2 lb. between them all, so I’m taking the average. I have done Insanity Mon-Fri, religiously, tracked my calories, and had shakes to replace one meal…most days. I am one month into this process and I am seeing changes. Not only in my body, which is probably where I am seeing the least changes, but also on the inside.

I keep asking myself, is this something you are really willing to do on an ongoing basis?? The first few weeks trudging down to that basement was a chore, it was a grueling, frustrating, all caps, sharpie written task at the top of my to-do list. Now, it’s beginning to look a little more like the rest of my to-do’s, penciled in but still near the top, just under COFFEE.  That’s a good thing for me, it’s not so much this huge change, this exception from the norm, it’s more EDL. (Every Day Life) It’s like a part of the process, getting my day done, I say to myself, Time to go sweat a little lot, and then on to what’s next. So…in that way, I’ve changed. I think, I can actually make exercise a part of my life, maybe not Insanity, forever…but real movement, real exercise. If I were honest, I would love to run. I’m 38, running is probably not the sport a morbidly obese severely obese thirty-something should start, but I feel like I have a few good years left in me, I could probably run out a few of them. I would LOVE to train for this in late October, Zombie Survival Dash.(Nodding head like ahhhh-yeaaahh) 

About other changes. Anxiety. I am seeing someone. Not like seeing seeing but seeing a therapist. Wow, that’s sounds intriguing and this little voice inside my head says with a raised eyebrow and devilish grin, Tell me about it.  Okay, I will, here’s the scoop. One day I was talking to a friend of mine that I love dearly, she’s been a friend since my college days and she sees a therapist and is always talking about what they talk about. So one day I’m like: Hey! Why don’t I have a therapist?! So, I go out and get one, that’s what I do. I figure I might as well do it when I am trying to better myself, trying to let go of this ridiculous obsession with chips and chocolate. I’ve been on this path before, I’ve started this whole go me movement, and I always bail, always quit, this time, it has to be different, it has to stick. So, I did what any self-respecting woman would do, I got a therapist.

Let’s talk about her. Monday I drove up to the office like a bat out of hell, no kidding. I was late because I squeezed in my workout and left myself with 10 minutes to shower and drive 3 miles away, didn’t work out so well. I leapt out of my mini-van I swore I’d never drive and bounced up the steps to the office. I knew we’d have great things to discuss, I was on plan, working out, feeling great! I walked into her office, sat down on the comfy couch and right into her big brown, inviting eyes. Her soft relaxing music played and as she asked me how my week was going I could feel them…yep, the tears, welling up like a little 7-year-old girl who lost her puppy dog. I don’t even know why, she just has that effect on me. I went in to lament about my husband, and didn’t end up saying a word about him. It was all about me. I found myself at the end of session wanting to cry out, “WAIT! YOU HAVEN’T HEARD MY COMPLAINTS ABOUT MY HUSBAND YET!!” I didn’t. It was good, we talked anxiety, my past, why I deserve to do this, and how God wants to heal me for the sake of healing me and nothing else. I walked away feeling whole. I’m glad I got a therapist. I bet my husband is too.

It’s weird putting myself first. I feel like I am really trying to make my life and my quest to eat well and exercise first a priority. I make time for it, if I don’t get the whole house vacuumed and dusted but I got my workout in, so be it. No one outside my perimeter will know and those inside, frankly probably don’t care. The only one who puts extreme pressure on me to have an immaculate home is me, and that’s pretty freaking unfair of her. She’s relaxing a bit.

So, on to month two. Really, my next goal date is 6 weeks from now, that’s my best fren’s wedding, and yes I did spell friend, fren, because that’s the way I like to say it. I really would like to feel comfortable in my own skin and I feel like losing 30 lb. would do that for me. It would enable me to feel empowered and proud of myself when I go back to the ATL. I’ll still be 60 lb. away from goal, and 30 lbs away from being morbidly obese. STOP THE PRESS!!! I just looked up the weight charts for obesity and it seems I have some rather interesting news (there’s that raised eyebrow and devilish grin me again saying do tell!) I’VE NEVER BEEN MORBIDLY OBESE!  (Dripping with red-neck twang) Well…hot damn if this ain’t a reason to celebrate! I’ve only been severely obese ladies and gents, that’s nothing to “Step right up for!” I couldn’t have even been a money-maker in a side-show and that’s something to be right proud of! Seems they added the severely obese cater-gory and I never knew it… (end red-neck twang)

If I lose the additional 18 lb. by May 12, I’ll simply be…Obese. Hallelujah, I can work with that, and who ever thought I would be excited to be “Obese.” Have a blessed day.

Finding Moderation

Before I, “enter title here,” I always write first. When I am done writing, then I will know what to entitle the post. As for any direction this is headed, I have no idea, I am just writing to write at this point so I’ll start with my dietary intake for this, the thirteenth day of March, two-thousand eleven.

I woke up and had two pieces of peanut butter toast and coffee with hazelnut cream, oh yeah, this, was the highlight of my nutritional day. I  had cottage cheese and cantaloup with some cheddar cheese and ham on whole wheat crackers at a meeting this afternoon. Got busy and didn’t get supper, so now I am drinking a shake. It’s too late to be drinking a shake, it’s a nutritional, protein shake but man, it’s too late. I have a weigh in tomorrow and frankly, I like to have my food done by 6 pm before a weigh in. Oh well. I have to, have to, have to get in a minimum number of calories. The shake puts me at 1200, which is too low, and I know it. The experts keep saying if you don’t get enough calories you will put your body into starvation mode. Lol, I only buy this for awhile, because sooner or later your body will adapt. But, I accept it as truth and have been really trying to stay right about 1600 calories. Again for me, it’s either 1,000 or 3,000. Remember the intensity vs hardcore complacency theme.

So tomorrow is a weigh in day. I lost 5 lb. my first week and I’m not sure what to expect tomorrow. I’ve been working out, eating right, or eating better, and if  I get a really low number, I am afraid I will be disappointed and turn to food for comfort. That’s usually how my playbook reads. But, I am editing the book so all bets are off. I am doing good things for me, and even a 1 lb. loss will be good for me. Here is where the rubber hits the road. I can’t turn to food for comfort, food has stolen the best part of me. I press on, no matter what the number says. Tonight, the number in my heart says I have tried hard, it says I am worth these changes, it says slow and steady wins the race. And, when I have crossed the finish line I will continue to believe that the lifestyle I have adopted is worth continuing. I want to do this, if for no other reason than to role model good choices to my kids, for the way it feels at the checkout lane when my cart is full of fresh and healthy foods and I’m salivating over the way I am going to prepare that asparagus, and roast that whole chicken. This is a good thing. It’s not so big that it will take over my life, but big enough to change it. I will focus on my blessings, my family, and my God.

Finding Moderation. That’s it. That’s the title. I want to find moderation and examine the part of me that resists it. I will pry open that ugly place and fill it with asparagus, but only one succulent serving at a time.