Fit-Fat

Hands

Gratitude, what’s it about anyway? It’s about not feeling sorry for yourself, not being a victim, it’s about empowerment, it’s about grace and thankfulness.

1. Friends, these people hold me accountable and let me be me, they let me vent and say all the things I couldn’t otherwise say, I wouldn’t otherwise say, if not for a discerning ear. They know what to hold on to, and what to let go of, and what is in my heart. This morning, I’m thankful for friends.

2. Life, I am simply awestruck at this opportunity. The possibilities are endless, the potential for life altering mistakes and victories, the complexity, the fragility, and the knowledge that it’s all so very simple.

3. Health, I feel like starting a FB page called fit-fat. Yeah, you read that right, fit-fat. I’m not kidding here. I am fat, I own that, but I also own that I am pretty darn fit right now and yes, those two can coincide. Hopefully, I can get powerless over the food and as a natural effect of my physical fitness and food choices the fat will go away, but for now I’m fit-fat…and I’m good with that.

4. Springtime…enough said.

5. Fender benders. I have a 2005 paid off Dodge Grand Caravan that I’ve wanted detailed for a few years now. It’s never been in the budget, until now. The other day I was hit from behind in the carpool line, this mom seemed was a little flighty. The incident resulted in a little dimple in the bumper, barely recognizable.  The adjustment and check I received from her insurance company was just shy of the cost of detailing my van. Thank goodness no one was hurt, but who knew that morning driving the kids to school in my pajamas that I would soon be able to afford the cost of  detailing!

One more word about health. I received a pretty amazing compliment the other day. I went to spin class at the gym and pushed myself, it was exactly what I needed, sweat was pouring off my head, good times. After class two girls stopped me and asked me if that was my first time in class, they commented on how well I did. They were noticeably struggling through it. I told them that I normally come to an earlier class and that I am doing ripped now so I use spin for an off day. My level of endurance was obviously impressive…they didn’t know I was fit-fat. 

In conclusion, it was an awesome feeling. Take a few minutes to get grateful and sweat a little today, these will help you learn to love yourself a little more and when we love ourselves we are in a better place to love others and God.

Unicorns in the Snow

I’ve been complaining all winter that is hasn’t felt like winter. I remember when I was young Missouri always got so much snow. I used to sled in my Granny and Granddads front yard, these days, it doesn’t snow like it used to. 

We’re supposed to get dumped on tomorrow. So much so, that nary a flake has fallen from the sky and school is cancelled. The bread aisle at the local grocery is empty, really, and it’s very, very cold outside. I can’t wait. 

Tomorrow will be a sleeping in, baking cookies, doing laundry, making forts sort of day.

I went to acting class after a two month hiatus today. It was, for lack of a better word, magical. I’m dramatic ok? I didn’t say anything about unicorns. 

I can’t help but feel like all my life I was supposed to do this. I don’t care to be famous or anything like that, but I want to move people with art that I create using my person, my body, my whole self. I want to be vulnerable and feel, I want to convey beautiful stories to others through the medium of acting. I don’t even think I said that right. 

I can remember being asked as a child what I wanted to be, I always answered, “a star.” Somehow I knew that what I saw those people do on television was what I wanted to do. I kept that dream until my youthful rebellion and a bitch of a drama teacher brought me to the conclusion that some dreams must die. 

But it didn’t, and it hasn’t, and it won’t. This, at thirty-nine years old is not my last attempt at stardom, it is me doing something I have longed for. I don’t know what will come of it, but for now, I will listen to my coach and try to be vulnerable and live in the precious moments that have been afforded me. 

And God…thanks for the snow.

seasons

Sitting here at my desk I feel the weight of the wet winters day. The wind is up, and the naked trees look fragile as they bend in it. I hear the screeches and yearnings of a train in the distance, and finally it’s whistling down some old railroad.

Today I am contemplating life. My daughter, my baby, is eloping. She’s twenty years old today, and she will be a married women by nightfall. Today I look back at my life, the life of my mother and grandmother and listen to my ancestors before them, they tell me to rest. Nothing is happening that hasn’t happened before, nothing can come that will separate the bonds we share. Process and proverbs, we all rise and fall to the beats God put in our hearts thousands of years ago.

My wish for her today is simple, that she learn to rest in this life. It seems today I am finding it so much simpler than I once had. There are big problems and small problems, but in reality, they are all but little moments in which we can practice surrender.

I am surrendering today. Like the naked tree in the winters wind I will lean into it, not looking graceful at times, not caring, my roots are firm. I know that spring is coming, and winter again. There is nothing new under the sun.

I am resting in the blissful idea that life will happen just as it should, and I will learn from it just as I should. In the spring and summer, fall and winter, there will bountiful blessings and sorrows alike, and I will soak in every second of this amazing gift called LIFE.

Dusty Canvases

Good morning…It’s another day, another hour passing, another blog post that begs to be more than meaningless words.

Weight loss, that’s what this blog is supposedly about, ok. Eph that. I need to just swirl everything into one focused thought. Losing weight, that’s good. Losing the behaviors that keep one in  self medicating  states, even better.

My struggles:

Anxiety

Fear

Fat

Loneliness

Laundry

Not kidding. I’m just a regular woman on a path, yesterday I felt like a girl and thought you saw me as that too until you called Ma’am one too many times. Just wait little woman, your day is coming. That’s the funny thing about life, no one gets out of this easy, if your lucky you’ll get wrinkles, you’ll love and lose it, you’ll die a thousands deaths in your heart and be left with emptiness of body and soul…and the sun will rise again in the morning, inviting you to do it all over again.

Since I have stopped using food medication, my anxiety level has raised to the point where I can feel it in my body. Not a great feeling. It really crept up on me, and guess what I am doing more of? Smoking. It relaxes me and I love it. I know it’s bad for me, inhale, which is why I have to get this crossed off my feel good list, yesterday.

Oddly enough, I am in the best shape of my life, I run once or twice a week and ride my bike an average of sixty to seventy miles a week. I am posting all of this because I need to say it. I am not going to pretend that life is roses or cherries all the ephing time, nor is it always cigarettes and Cheetos.

Desperate for middle ground and balance.

I haven’t hit my second goal, but I don’t care. Not a cop-out. I don’t care if it takes me two years to get this weight off because with each pound I am uncovering old pieces of myself that must be dealt with. Like spelunking in the attics of my life, the deeper I go the dustier the canvases become, and as I pull them off I discover a treasure buried there. Some treasure requires more time, more love, more preservation. Some, require burning. I didn’t get this way overnight. I won’t give up on me. Even if me takes forever.

My husband has been such a good man during this season in my life. He walks with me and deals with my high drama and emotional vomit. I won’t candy coat it,  he’s a pain in the ephhing ass too sometimes. But he’s a man, and we’re so different. I don’t pretend we have a marriage made in wonderland. We have a very real marriage. We wrestle it out, there are days we can’t stand each other, and days we want to be close. He’s a good friend, a good daddy, a good companion. I cringe at the thought of what his blog would say about me:) He doesn’t blog by the way…lucky me.

What you missed while I was away:

My Triathlon, I did it. Although I almost forgot how to swim, but I did it. YAY!

Atlanta, learned some lessons about myself while spending time with my dearest friend.

New job, forthcoming.

Made another video for the ANCC Art of Nursing film festival, not really creative, just helped a friend, earned a trip to LA in October.

 

 

 

The Dream Crusher & The Latin Rock Band that Made it all Better

Lots on my mind tonight. First of all I have to confess something. I made cookies yesterday, just enough for the kids and thier friends to each have one of my homeade buckaroos. It’s my grandmother’s recipe, cocnut, chocolate chips, oatmeal, and I add some coarsely chopped almonds, yum. There was one that happened to be left over, I tried to get my friend to eat it and she declined. So there it sat, all day log, alone, on the cold glass stovetop.

Later, I came home from dinner and a movie with my family, and there it sat, still alone, rejected… scrumptious. So I took it, into my hand and gave it a home, in my tummy, with all the other bad food from the night. Later, I invited acai dark chocolate berries to the party. It wasn’t a good feeling, to go to bed full. I am getting used to going to bed hungryish. Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper. I am still having trouble with the big breakfast thing. I would rather do meals this way; price, king, pauper.

I went on a ride to the community center tonight, ready to swim some laps and ride home. My brick workout, where you stack two types of exercises from the tri. Being the newb that I am I forgot a lock for my bike and the silver headed rule follower working the front desk was under no circumstances going to let me bring my bike in. I all but begged, but no, said she didn’t want to be yelled at being new and all. That, and I suspect it gave her great pleasure to crush my dreams. Why do some people roll like that? I pictured her later that night eating her pot pie watching wheel of fortune feeling quite satisfied with herself, as if she’d done some great favor to the universe.

I ended up riding twenty miles and loving it! Tomorrow I will try to swim and run, but the best part about tonight was my new clip-less pedals and shoes. It felt a little like wearing tap shoes and bike riding but it was great! I don’t know if it was the coffee, or the shakeology I mixed with it, or maybe even the shoes but my ride was phenom. The hills were cake, I had no problems with them. I’ve been told that the shoes would help on hills and they must have, it was an entire different riding experience. Kudos to they guys at Epic bike and sport in near Parkville, Mo. Those guys are certifiably the best crew and bike shop I’ve been in so far. Which is why I pass two other bike shops and go all the way over there from Liberty to shop them. Service, it still works.

So I rode and rode and could have ridden another ten easily. I made myself go home because it was getting dark. Oye Como Va, the Santana rendition not the Tito Puente version, is now my official last song of the ride, it’s perfect. I’ve fallen in love with cycling.

Do or Die

Hello world. Isn’t that the first post of every blog. Well it seems like forever since I’ve posted so hello again.

Let’s get down to brass tacks…the nitty gritty…the low down dirdee heart of the matter. I haven’t lost any weight in probably three weeks. There’s that. I also haven’t gained, not really. I weigh about three pounds more that my lowest weight but it’s nothing of significance. Could be water or maybe I did gain a few pounds back but what matters to me is that I haven’t binged. I haven’t followed a superb diet plan, in fact I’ve eaten some junk. But the junks been interspersed with good old fashioned healthy and I chose small and leave food behind.

I have a second goal to meet by mid August. I need to get busy and serious, it’s just that I’ve been in this lingering funk and it’s do or die time for me. I’m thirty-eight years old and so thankful for this life, this opportunity to grow and make choices and live and love. It’s the pain I didn’t count on, the pain of life that can immobilize me and send me spiraling. It hasn’t yet, but I feel it’s presence looming over me and quiet whisper in my heart to do…or die.

It’s during this time when I am so weak that it’s most important for me to love myself, to work hard, to focus. I have an adult child that is taking a very different path than I dreamt for her. My faith is weak. I must let her go, give up control, not judge and pray without ceasing. In the end, life is life and she will go the way she chooses but I will always pray. She texted me for the first time in almost two months yesterday. I will take the little blessings and hold them tight.

I’m riding tonight. Hoping I won’t be in the back of the pack the entire time again but if I am so be it. At least I’m riding. Looking forward to getting back in the groove this week. Summer feels like its in full swing and the kids are keeping me busy.

Have a great day.

Climb

(This post will be best read when blocking out the world with a pair of earbuds and listening to Bon Iver-Bon Iver)

Why did life chose us? It feels like a gift…sometimes, and other times it feels like a penalty. I’m not writing this from grief, I just feel a deep connection to this life and am contemplating many things this morning.

What keeps us from living out our dreams, why do we have them and where do they come from? I wonder if it is no coincidence that out of our hearts is born a great desire. Desires that are crushed or fed, poisoned or cared for, lived or let die. I don’t want to let my dreams go and even as I sit here I am aware that they are constantly evolving.

When I was young I wanted to write and act. Then I wanted to provide for my daughter, so I went to nursing school. As a mother I desired to raise her and love her and put my strength into our little family. When I met my husband I ached for more children and a bigger family. When I had more children I wanted to bake bread and enjoy their childhood, now that they are in school I miss rocking them to sleep and crave strong memories of that time, so strong I can taste and smell them. I look at their bedrooms and how they’ve changed, the same rooms I changed diapers in they now read and play. Life moves quickly, like a freight train we are not aware we’re on. Where is the destination?

Now that my children are a more self-sufficient I can feel those dreams of my youth raising to the surface of my soul. I still enjoy being a mother, I enjoy making lunches and reading stories, but I am ready to tiptoe out into the great unknown. I start right here, writing thoughts and reading yours. I challenge myself to write from the heart or my efforts will be in vain. I only do this to cultivate my inner man, to grow and feel and be…more than I have been before.

I am not satisfied with complacency. I cannot live to pass moments. I feel like climbing. It comes from a great heartbeat deep inside me and I can’t stave the sound. Life…it beckons.

What is one thing you can do to find that forsaken dream of youth? One small way to reignite the fire deep within your soul? To forget the person or persons who put your light out, to press on toward the goal that the father of life gave you as a young woman or man. You may feel that what I am writing is nonsense but I beg you to stop where you are, desk, subway, train, grocery, park, jail, bathroom, stop and close your eyes, what did you leave behind?

I write this letter to myself, I write this letter to my friends, we cannot let dreams die because it is in those small dreams that we were really live. Let us find a way to create today, to create a path back to the piece of ourselves we lost many years ago, I think if we do we will find a welcome journey awaits.

Dear friends, stop looking for value in the beauty of your face, the value of your assets, and the goods you produce. All of these things are good things, but only if you can say that your heart is full and your dreams are deep.

Godspeed, have a wonderful day. I hope it finds you moving stones and cutting twigs, clearing the way to that path you know is alive and leads to fullness of life.

Goal Update

Good morning! So, with the somber tone of my last post I just want to update and let my friends know that I’m much better now. While I really miss my daughter, I woke up last Thursday morning overwhelmed with peace about our decision to ask her to leave. It was an emotionally draining week but I cast my cares upon him, and he cared for me 1 Peter 5:7. I haven’t spoken to her since she left, I have no idea where she is, but I am excited for her and hopeful that her confidence will begin to soar as she learns to fly on her own. Please keep her in your prayers.

Now, goal update. I’m twenty pounds down, have ten to go to hit my May 12th goal of thirty pounds. I have eighteen days to do this. Ten pounds in eighteen days, hrm, sketchy. So here’s what I’m thinking.

1) I may have to be satisfied with coming within five pounds of my goal.

2) I took a hard look at my calorie log and asked myself what I could change.

Carbs. They need to decrease. I cheat here and there and haven’t been adding my coffee creamer to my daily fitness pal. I also haven’t been drinking my water like I should. I have some weapons I can definitely pull out of the arsenal to help me achieve my goal. I would really, really like to get on this and come as close as possible.

The lower carb strategy may come in really handy especially since I am having a real struggle with the insanity workouts. I’m still going strong but it hurts. Everywhere I look there are recommendations not to do insanity unless you are already in great shape and not overweight. Well I decided to do it anyway and I can feel it in my hips and knees. This second month is a killer. I’m really trying to modify the movements and still get a workout but some of the moves are just comical. In other words, I watch and am like, oh hell naw. If I have to change my workout for a bit the low carb diet will help but I really don’t want to quit. I want to finish. I have approximately three weeks left and I want to finish! I need to finish, for my own mental health. I think the sense of accomplishment will really send me strong into my next goal period.

Ok, any words of wisdom are welcome! Have a wonderful day. And if you are using My Fitness Pal please add me as friend! My username is rolandap.

What’s Your Ultimate Goal?

Today is my first day off a 3 day detox/cleanse. Call what you will, but I lean toward calling it CRAP! It’s supposed to be a time for weaning off sugar, caffeine, and bad foods, but all I could do was think about sugar, caffeine, and junk. Oh well, it’s over and I can’t begin to describe the ecstasy found in a simple piece of peanut butter toast and coffee this morning. I’ve never tasted its like. Right now I have a burning desire for Red Robin, the whisky river bbq burger (add bacon) to be exact and don’t forget the steak fries with a side of ranch. Doesn’t that sound like the epitome of the American slacker diet? Yeah? Well, it’s my favorite, in the burger genre. In the mexican genre it would be queso and huevos con chorizo, unless you meant like chain mexican semi-healhty fare, then that would be Chipotle. As for Chinese it’s probably Hongs, and that includes the Mongolian grill, which is not including Thai, not Chinese, so I would say Tasty Thai and the massaman curry would be my favorite there. As for good ol’ American I tend to like Chili’s, seafood, McCormick’s and Shmicks. But my favorite burger…Red Robin.

pleas·ure  (plzhr) The Free Dictionary n.

1. The state or feeling of being pleased or gratified.
2. A source of enjoyment or delight: The graceful skaters were a pleasure to watch.
3. Amusement, diversion, or worldly enjoyment: “Pleasure . . . is a safer guide than either right or duty” (Samuel Butler).
4. Sensual gratification or indulgence.
5. One’s preference or wish: What is your pleasure?

 

I listened to Ravi Zacharias this morning and the particular message I listened to was called, “The problem of pleasure.” The title intrigued me. Why would someone even speak about a problem with pleasure? Do we as people have a problem and why would it be harmful? There is one statement that Ravi makes that really hits home in my heart, and here it is:

“Anything that refreshes you without distracting from, diminishing or destroying your ultimate goal is a legitimate pleasure.” 

I guess the next question would be, what’s my ultimate goal? In this life, what is our ultimate goal? I guess that depends on a lot of things, how you were raised, weather or not you have a religious teaching that you follow, what makes you tick? Twitter users can usually find out what their final goal is on their profile page, here’s mine:

Thirty-something, wifey, mama, nurse, who really just wants two things in life: a low rider minivan & an unshakable dedication to the lover of my soul…Jesus.

I’m not sure I have been completely dedicated to my final goal, and I think my two things are changing, while I would still love to own a low rider mini van, this bad boy would satisfy me quite well…

Ah hem, but I digress. Pleasure. “An unshakeable dedication to the lover of my soul…Jesus.”  I am wondering how many pleasures are put before that self-professed ultimate goal, I dare say, too many. While I think it is very important to find time for leisure and relaxation, I truly believe that I can find my God and momentum in every moment, it’s the looking for him that counts. I feel like life is getting shorter and shorter by the day. Days saunter by me unscathed, not batting an eye, it waits for me to seize it. I think if I were honest with myself I would start to examine my choice of pleasures, and if they are in fact, refreshing me without distracting, diminishing, or destroying my final goal in life, to cultivate a relationship with the Almighty God, to let him draw me unto Him, and to bask in His love forever. Sounds pretty deep, but I’m so glad that he loves to give blessings to His children…just hoping He reads this and pays particular attention to the aforementioned vehicle:)

So, before I make a beeline to Red Robin, I’ll mull it over a bit, I’ll decide if it’s something I need right now, and if it’s just a simple pleasure that I can leave at the doors when I go, or if my heart is seeking fulfillment that it shouldn’t from it. By the way, I’ve lost 17lb. on this journey so far. Only 12 to go to meet my first goal and see my dear friend get married. Good day my friends.

If you’re interested in listening to Ravi’s “The problem with pleasure,” for yourself, click here.

Thought Collage

It’s another fine morning in the Midwest and it’s cool 61 degrees. Winds out of the NorthWest with a 10% chance of precip this afternoon, most of your day looking sunny with a high of 75. Overnight you can expect a low of 60 degrees and 0% chance of precipitation. Sounds like the makings of fine day ladies and gentleman, what are you going to do with it?

As I sit here and attempt to formulate some idea or thought that will keep you reading past, It’s another fine day, I’m staring at my coffee that I haven’t finished and thinking off all the things on my to-do list. I ‘m thinking about last night where I volunteered at a fundraising event for The Liberty Women’s Clinic. I’m thinking about the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead that I have cued up on Netflix on the iPad right next to me. I’m think about the collage I want to make on bathroom mirror like the girl on Hungry for Change did. I’m thinking about Shaun T waiting for me in the basement and the rendezvous I have at noon with some amazing girlfriends, and all those thoughts are held captive by the fact that my dog is laying under my desk passing gas. It’s as if some great canine force wants to keep me from ever thinking again. I am immobilized, stagnant, and repulsed. And I wanted to share.

Last night. Did you know that since 1973, we’ve performed over 50 million abortions in the country?  That number is staggering. I know abortion is a touchy issue, it’s about women, it’s about children, it’s about life, the mothers and the child’s. No matter what side of the issue your on you have to agree, that number is insane! Why so many unwanted pregnancies? I don’t have anything else to say today, I mean I have lots to say, but I can’t say it right now. I just know I have to help in some way. Be it financially or physically, I have to do something. Why don’t these women and girls have any other options? Maybe the communities they live in aren’t providing that, maybe we need to step it up. That’s what The Liberty Women’s Clinic is doing, and I’m excited to watch and help be a part of that.

Wow, Debbie Downer. I am so her people. I get in a crowd of people and here come the saddening stats flowing like a river of mud right out of my mouth. What’s up with that? Ok, maybe I am not that bad, but I really feel like so many people have a general lack of information and I am the appointed one to share it. Seriously, I have to rein myself in sometimes. I want to educate people on the evils of processed beef, because watching Food Inc. twice gives one the authority to speak boldly on such subjects. Most people simply just don’t want to hear it. Ignorance is bliss they say. So, these days, I do a lot little more listening and less talking. Offering my 2 cents when asked. What a paradigm shift. Those of you who know me, well…I’M A WORK IN PROGRESS OK, I DIDN’T SAY IT WOULD HAPPEN OVERNIGHT! Ah hem. Excuse me.

What’s on my mind right now:

Making a “me” collage on my mirror.

Making scripture verses on cards today to remind me of God’s desire to nurture and heal me.

Plan to juice fast/detox next week during my recovery week of Insanity.

Pray for my family and my peeps.

Take care of my little 3 legged cat that is healing up from a vicious new dog in our neighborhood that attacked him.

Have a great weekend. And if you know anything about juicing drop me a link to your favorite sites.