Dear Me,

I started to formulate this letter in spin class this morning, I think I deserve to actually compose it and publish it, it’s a word of encouragement for myself, and anyone who needs it. Dearest friend, I applaud you for … Continue reading

Dusty Canvases

Good morning…It’s another day, another hour passing, another blog post that begs to be more than meaningless words.

Weight loss, that’s what this blog is supposedly about, ok. Eph that. I need to just swirl everything into one focused thought. Losing weight, that’s good. Losing the behaviors that keep one in  self medicating  states, even better.

My struggles:

Anxiety

Fear

Fat

Loneliness

Laundry

Not kidding. I’m just a regular woman on a path, yesterday I felt like a girl and thought you saw me as that too until you called Ma’am one too many times. Just wait little woman, your day is coming. That’s the funny thing about life, no one gets out of this easy, if your lucky you’ll get wrinkles, you’ll love and lose it, you’ll die a thousands deaths in your heart and be left with emptiness of body and soul…and the sun will rise again in the morning, inviting you to do it all over again.

Since I have stopped using food medication, my anxiety level has raised to the point where I can feel it in my body. Not a great feeling. It really crept up on me, and guess what I am doing more of? Smoking. It relaxes me and I love it. I know it’s bad for me, inhale, which is why I have to get this crossed off my feel good list, yesterday.

Oddly enough, I am in the best shape of my life, I run once or twice a week and ride my bike an average of sixty to seventy miles a week. I am posting all of this because I need to say it. I am not going to pretend that life is roses or cherries all the ephing time, nor is it always cigarettes and Cheetos.

Desperate for middle ground and balance.

I haven’t hit my second goal, but I don’t care. Not a cop-out. I don’t care if it takes me two years to get this weight off because with each pound I am uncovering old pieces of myself that must be dealt with. Like spelunking in the attics of my life, the deeper I go the dustier the canvases become, and as I pull them off I discover a treasure buried there. Some treasure requires more time, more love, more preservation. Some, require burning. I didn’t get this way overnight. I won’t give up on me. Even if me takes forever.

My husband has been such a good man during this season in my life. He walks with me and deals with my high drama and emotional vomit. I won’t candy coat it,  he’s a pain in the ephhing ass too sometimes. But he’s a man, and we’re so different. I don’t pretend we have a marriage made in wonderland. We have a very real marriage. We wrestle it out, there are days we can’t stand each other, and days we want to be close. He’s a good friend, a good daddy, a good companion. I cringe at the thought of what his blog would say about me:) He doesn’t blog by the way…lucky me.

What you missed while I was away:

My Triathlon, I did it. Although I almost forgot how to swim, but I did it. YAY!

Atlanta, learned some lessons about myself while spending time with my dearest friend.

New job, forthcoming.

Made another video for the ANCC Art of Nursing film festival, not really creative, just helped a friend, earned a trip to LA in October.

 

 

 

Really? My Humps?

Well Blah. Yes, that’s my current state of mind…and I can’t put my finger on why. A friend of mine made a comment a few weeks ago that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I was kind of bummed when we were talking, said I felt like I was in a funk over a few things, and she said, “Why are you feeling that way, you just lost thirty pounds, you should be on top of the world!” My friend also has a lot of weight to lose.

It’s becoming painfully obvious that ones weight does not necessarily equal ones happiness. I mean, I was always depressed-ish at two hundred fifty-eight pounds. There wasn’t a lot in life that was fun because I was constantly self-conscious. But, when I was with true friends and family I still enjoyed myself, especially when carbohydrates were involved. But just because I have lost some weight doesn’t necessarily mean life is an instant  bowl of cherries. Happiness is peace in your heart, that peace leads to less self-abuse and decreased self-doubt. I am still a food addict, but the pull is less and less every day.

I read another girls blog about weight loss, actually I read a few. She is obsessive over the food she eats, what she weighs, and nothing is ever quite good enough. I would never write this on her blog, but I expect she’ll gain her weight back, because she’s not happy with who she is at her core, and she expects the weight loss to cure everything. I wish I knew her well enough to tell her so. She reminds me of myself at a young age. It wasn’t until I gave up dieting and started look up and in, that I found the strength to do this. It’s about so much more than the food and the day-to-day calorie requirements.

I ran the couch to 5K tonight. I am on week six and it’s getting pretty tough. It was also very hot out tonight which added to my lack of excitement. I have to really be on it now, I am officially signing up for a triathlon sprint called the Matt Mason in Smithville Missouri. I think I am good on the bike, but I need to really focus on the run and the swim. I will be taking a swim class specifically for people looking to improve for a triathlon. Scary thought. I am out of my mind. It seems very apropos that I have the song, Over my Head by The Fray on my playlist now. My playlist is another curious subject. If you saw it you would probably laugh at the eclectic myriad of musical treats. Especially the Black Eyed Peas song, My Humps, that’s one the whole family can enjoy! I know what you’re thinking, she’s such an intellectual. The song is mindless, but it has a great beat, and the funniest thing about it is the monkey business piano interlude at the end of the song. I guess I never really realized it was there, it’s as if they are making amends with the listener for having had to endure Fergie singing about her humps in the first place. I guess I can appreciate that, thank you Will.I.Am, thank you.

Here is my current playlist for your reading pleasure:

40 Deep (feat. Tedashii & Trip Lee)

Under The Bridge 4:24 Red Hot Chili Peppers

Under Pressure 3:57 Queen Classic Queen

Thriller 5:57 Michael Jackson Thriller

Spazz (Prod by Charlie Heat Sarah J) (DatPiff Exclusive) 3:24 Lecrae Church Clothes

Robot 3:34 Trip Lee The Good Life

Pump Up the Volume (USA 12″ Mix) 6:47 Colourbox Best of Colourbox

Paul Revere 3:41 Beastie Boys Licensed to Ill

Oye Como Va 4:18 Santana The Best of Carlos Santana

Over My Head (Cable Car) 3:55 The Fray

No Sleep Till Brooklyn 4:07 Beastie Boys Licensed to Ill

My Humps 5:27 Black Eyed Peas Monkey Business

Make It Bun Dem 3:34 Skrillex & Damian

Lose Yourself 5:20 Eminem 8 Mile

Lose Control (Featuring Ciara & Fat Man Scoop) 3:47Missy Elliot featuring Ciara & Fat Man Scoop

Get Ur Freak On 3:57 Missy Elliott Miss E…So Addictive

Feel Good Inc. 3:41 Gorillaz Demon Days

Church Clothes (Prod by Wit) (DatPiff Exclusive) 2:24 Lecrae Church Clothes

Brain Damage 3:46 Pink Floyd A Foot In the Door – The Best of Pink Floyd

Bohemian Rhapsody 5:58 Queen

Best of You 4:16 Foo Fighters In Your Honor

APB ft Thi’sl (Prod by Charlie Heat Sarah J) (DatPiff Exclusive) 3:32 Lecrae Church Clothes

Another Brick In the Wall, Pt. 2 3:49 Pink Floyd A Foot In the Door – The Best of Pink Floyd

I am seriously considering removing Thriller, it hasn’t really done anything for me on my runs, as well as Feel Good Inc. I have a feeling I am going to be changing this list up a lot. I get bored so easy. Right now though, my favs are bold.

I had a funny thought the other day. What If my thirty-eighth year I practice triathlon sprints, then my thirty-ninth year I do an Olympic triathlon, and as the ultimate way to ring in forty, I try the Iron Man.

Bahahaahahahaaaahaahhaa!

I leave you with that and the fact that as I was doing my sixth week of the couch to 5k today, I remembered that thought, and left it in a ditch somewhere. Oh yeah, and I weighed in at 217 this weekend. Goodnight.

Take What You Need

I feel like writing a bit more. I can tell because I am constantly churning out thoughts and sentences in my head while I do laundry, therefore I know it’s time to sit back down again. Sigh. I got some encouragement from a friend today. She wrote, “You are an inspiration!” on my fitness pal wall. You would think I’d run with that and feel elated all day. In reality though, I heard that negative old friend come right back at me. Oh yeah, you lost twenty pounds, big deal, give it time…you’ll gain it back and then some. You always go back to the food. 

Shot thru the heart. Cut to the seen when Mary leaves Loyd Dunn at the airport, he grabs his chest in pain, reaches one arm out and sings, goodbye my love.

Shaking head back and forth. I don’t know where that voice comes from. Maybe it’s me, the pessimistic, self-sabotaging girl that doesn’t think I deserve to change. Maybe it’s the devil, he’s nasty enough I guess. Whoever it is, it’s right. I have always gone back to the food. In my entire adult life I can only remember one time that I weighed under two hundred pounds. It was when I was twenty years old and just getting used to being a single mom in college. I was reading lots of good books, hanging with some good people, exercising and doing my best to make some serious changes. I think I got to about one ninety when life threw a fast ball right at my face and wham bam thank you mamn, yes I would like to upsize that please. I spiraled back into the comforting arms of food.

So here’s where the real battle begins. Twenty pounds. That’s great, but anyone, I mean anyone, can lose twenty pounds. How about ninety though? That’s what I have to lose total. It takes more than a little exercise and food changes to lose ninety pounds, it takes life change. So, am I ready for that kind of life change? Yes, I believe I am. I recognize that food is my fix. Plain and simple, it was the socially acceptable vice until I got so big I was uncomfortable. I have to allow myself some failures along the way. I won’t change overnight. I have gone back to food a few times, and each time I do I recognize it and take the necessary steps to combat it. Sometimes that means talking positive to myself, sometimes I get on here, sometimes I call a friend, each time, I pray.

I will fail, I will take a few steps back every now and then, but I am on a journey. A journey that doesn’t stop ninety pounds from now. A life long endeavor that seeks to find different ways to cope with problems other than scooby-dooing an entire bag of lays. I’m learning to breathe and be comfortable with an empty feeling in my stomach, I even welcome it sometimes. I’ve had some tough stuff come my way this past few weeks and quite honestly I didn’t know if I would make it. The anxiety, the fear and the sadness crept in and I immediately wanted comfort from the place I knew I could find it the quickest. By the grace of God I held my ground and asked what He was trying to teach me. Dependance, utter dependence on God for everything I need, so easy to type, so hard to put into action.

I still can’t quite picture my life without the food. I am still in a place of longing and from time to time I romanticize it. I dream of dinners with burgers and fries. And that my friends, is exactly how addicts live. I am no better than an alcoholic or drug addict except that excessive food is legal, for now. I am fully engaged in this journey though and admit I enjoy living without the morning sting of remorse for the bingeing done the night before. That is reason enough to stay the course, reason enough to continue. Besides, I owe it to myself. Goodnight.

Take What You Need