Do or Die

Hello world. Isn’t that the first post of every blog. Well it seems like forever since I’ve posted so hello again.

Let’s get down to brass tacks…the nitty gritty…the low down dirdee heart of the matter. I haven’t lost any weight in probably three weeks. There’s that. I also haven’t gained, not really. I weigh about three pounds more that my lowest weight but it’s nothing of significance. Could be water or maybe I did gain a few pounds back but what matters to me is that I haven’t binged. I haven’t followed a superb diet plan, in fact I’ve eaten some junk. But the junks been interspersed with good old fashioned healthy and I chose small and leave food behind.

I have a second goal to meet by mid August. I need to get busy and serious, it’s just that I’ve been in this lingering funk and it’s do or die time for me. I’m thirty-eight years old and so thankful for this life, this opportunity to grow and make choices and live and love. It’s the pain I didn’t count on, the pain of life that can immobilize me and send me spiraling. It hasn’t yet, but I feel it’s presence looming over me and quiet whisper in my heart to do…or die.

It’s during this time when I am so weak that it’s most important for me to love myself, to work hard, to focus. I have an adult child that is taking a very different path than I dreamt for her. My faith is weak. I must let her go, give up control, not judge and pray without ceasing. In the end, life is life and she will go the way she chooses but I will always pray. She texted me for the first time in almost two months yesterday. I will take the little blessings and hold them tight.

I’m riding tonight. Hoping I won’t be in the back of the pack the entire time again but if I am so be it. At least I’m riding. Looking forward to getting back in the groove this week. Summer feels like its in full swing and the kids are keeping me busy.

Have a great day.

Pressing ON

Oh boy, it’s time to do this. I need to update/vent/write something, anything. I’m sitting here at my computer, tears streaming down my face. Not because I have failed at my diet, not because I am feeling sorry for myself, but because we are having to use tough love with the young adult in our home. She was such a good little girl who loved art and sports and being goofy. In high-school she was a nationally recognized athlete and always competed at the state level. A few years ago things changed and without getting into all the sordid details, I’ll just say, her life changed. I remember buying a wall decal for her room in jr. high. We painted, bought new linens, and I proudly applied the decal too her wall, Little Soul Your Dreams are Waiting. UGH, a statement that really crushes me today. She hasn’t found those dreams…yet. I have to trust God, that one day, she will. But tomorrow, she will have to pack her things and leave our home, I don’t know where she will go our what she will do, but we have to stick to this. She broke some extremely important nonnegotiable for living here, and she broke them consistently.

Moving on. I am sad, that is a fact. But I must press on. I am still plugging away at Insanity, I’m currently on month two, day four. It says today is a recovery day, yeah right. If I know Shaun T, there ain’t no recovery gonna happen in my basement unless I grab a bag of chips and watch them exercise. This month is much harder than the first. Lots of plyometric exercises that I feel I have no right doing right now. I attempt them though, the best I can, and have added daily doses of Naproxen to my diet.

Easter weekend was tough. We spent a few days with family, there was a birthday, and lots and lots of food. I did…ok. Not stellar and by the time we came home I was all wrapped up in guilt over cake and ice cream and had decided to blow it the next day too. I ended up eating out for all three meals that day, broke my thirty-five day my fitness pal streak and was basically done. I started to hear those negative thoughts again and almost believed them. Through prayer and the support of friends I mustered up the courage to start anew the next day. I haven’t weighed much since then. I repeat to myself, slow and steady wins the race many times a day. I try to remember that this isn’t a contest though, I don’t ever get to just stop. Losing weight is a by-product of these decisions and one day the weight loss will stop. When that happens, the by-product will become maintenance of health. That’s all.  These are difficult concepts for me, but I am accepting them more and more each day.

I guess that’s all for now. Sorry for the somber tone of this post, I’m not crying anymore so that’s good, right? About to go get sweaty in my basement, I’ll start by pressing ON. Have a blessed day.