Unicorns in the Snow

I’ve been complaining all winter that is hasn’t felt like winter. I remember when I was young Missouri always got so much snow. I used to sled in my Granny and Granddads front yard, these days, it doesn’t snow like it used to. 

We’re supposed to get dumped on tomorrow. So much so, that nary a flake has fallen from the sky and school is cancelled. The bread aisle at the local grocery is empty, really, and it’s very, very cold outside. I can’t wait. 

Tomorrow will be a sleeping in, baking cookies, doing laundry, making forts sort of day.

I went to acting class after a two month hiatus today. It was, for lack of a better word, magical. I’m dramatic ok? I didn’t say anything about unicorns. 

I can’t help but feel like all my life I was supposed to do this. I don’t care to be famous or anything like that, but I want to move people with art that I create using my person, my body, my whole self. I want to be vulnerable and feel, I want to convey beautiful stories to others through the medium of acting. I don’t even think I said that right. 

I can remember being asked as a child what I wanted to be, I always answered, “a star.” Somehow I knew that what I saw those people do on television was what I wanted to do. I kept that dream until my youthful rebellion and a bitch of a drama teacher brought me to the conclusion that some dreams must die. 

But it didn’t, and it hasn’t, and it won’t. This, at thirty-nine years old is not my last attempt at stardom, it is me doing something I have longed for. I don’t know what will come of it, but for now, I will listen to my coach and try to be vulnerable and live in the precious moments that have been afforded me. 

And God…thanks for the snow.

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Climb

(This post will be best read when blocking out the world with a pair of earbuds and listening to Bon Iver-Bon Iver)

Why did life chose us? It feels like a gift…sometimes, and other times it feels like a penalty. I’m not writing this from grief, I just feel a deep connection to this life and am contemplating many things this morning.

What keeps us from living out our dreams, why do we have them and where do they come from? I wonder if it is no coincidence that out of our hearts is born a great desire. Desires that are crushed or fed, poisoned or cared for, lived or let die. I don’t want to let my dreams go and even as I sit here I am aware that they are constantly evolving.

When I was young I wanted to write and act. Then I wanted to provide for my daughter, so I went to nursing school. As a mother I desired to raise her and love her and put my strength into our little family. When I met my husband I ached for more children and a bigger family. When I had more children I wanted to bake bread and enjoy their childhood, now that they are in school I miss rocking them to sleep and crave strong memories of that time, so strong I can taste and smell them. I look at their bedrooms and how they’ve changed, the same rooms I changed diapers in they now read and play. Life moves quickly, like a freight train we are not aware we’re on. Where is the destination?

Now that my children are a more self-sufficient I can feel those dreams of my youth raising to the surface of my soul. I still enjoy being a mother, I enjoy making lunches and reading stories, but I am ready to tiptoe out into the great unknown. I start right here, writing thoughts and reading yours. I challenge myself to write from the heart or my efforts will be in vain. I only do this to cultivate my inner man, to grow and feel and be…more than I have been before.

I am not satisfied with complacency. I cannot live to pass moments. I feel like climbing. It comes from a great heartbeat deep inside me and I can’t stave the sound. Life…it beckons.

What is one thing you can do to find that forsaken dream of youth? One small way to reignite the fire deep within your soul? To forget the person or persons who put your light out, to press on toward the goal that the father of life gave you as a young woman or man. You may feel that what I am writing is nonsense but I beg you to stop where you are, desk, subway, train, grocery, park, jail, bathroom, stop and close your eyes, what did you leave behind?

I write this letter to myself, I write this letter to my friends, we cannot let dreams die because it is in those small dreams that we were really live. Let us find a way to create today, to create a path back to the piece of ourselves we lost many years ago, I think if we do we will find a welcome journey awaits.

Dear friends, stop looking for value in the beauty of your face, the value of your assets, and the goods you produce. All of these things are good things, but only if you can say that your heart is full and your dreams are deep.

Godspeed, have a wonderful day. I hope it finds you moving stones and cutting twigs, clearing the way to that path you know is alive and leads to fullness of life.

Thought Collage

It’s another fine morning in the Midwest and it’s cool 61 degrees. Winds out of the NorthWest with a 10% chance of precip this afternoon, most of your day looking sunny with a high of 75. Overnight you can expect a low of 60 degrees and 0% chance of precipitation. Sounds like the makings of fine day ladies and gentleman, what are you going to do with it?

As I sit here and attempt to formulate some idea or thought that will keep you reading past, It’s another fine day, I’m staring at my coffee that I haven’t finished and thinking off all the things on my to-do list. I ‘m thinking about last night where I volunteered at a fundraising event for The Liberty Women’s Clinic. I’m thinking about the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead that I have cued up on Netflix on the iPad right next to me. I’m think about the collage I want to make on bathroom mirror like the girl on Hungry for Change did. I’m thinking about Shaun T waiting for me in the basement and the rendezvous I have at noon with some amazing girlfriends, and all those thoughts are held captive by the fact that my dog is laying under my desk passing gas. It’s as if some great canine force wants to keep me from ever thinking again. I am immobilized, stagnant, and repulsed. And I wanted to share.

Last night. Did you know that since 1973, we’ve performed over 50 million abortions in the country?  That number is staggering. I know abortion is a touchy issue, it’s about women, it’s about children, it’s about life, the mothers and the child’s. No matter what side of the issue your on you have to agree, that number is insane! Why so many unwanted pregnancies? I don’t have anything else to say today, I mean I have lots to say, but I can’t say it right now. I just know I have to help in some way. Be it financially or physically, I have to do something. Why don’t these women and girls have any other options? Maybe the communities they live in aren’t providing that, maybe we need to step it up. That’s what The Liberty Women’s Clinic is doing, and I’m excited to watch and help be a part of that.

Wow, Debbie Downer. I am so her people. I get in a crowd of people and here come the saddening stats flowing like a river of mud right out of my mouth. What’s up with that? Ok, maybe I am not that bad, but I really feel like so many people have a general lack of information and I am the appointed one to share it. Seriously, I have to rein myself in sometimes. I want to educate people on the evils of processed beef, because watching Food Inc. twice gives one the authority to speak boldly on such subjects. Most people simply just don’t want to hear it. Ignorance is bliss they say. So, these days, I do a lot little more listening and less talking. Offering my 2 cents when asked. What a paradigm shift. Those of you who know me, well…I’M A WORK IN PROGRESS OK, I DIDN’T SAY IT WOULD HAPPEN OVERNIGHT! Ah hem. Excuse me.

What’s on my mind right now:

Making a “me” collage on my mirror.

Making scripture verses on cards today to remind me of God’s desire to nurture and heal me.

Plan to juice fast/detox next week during my recovery week of Insanity.

Pray for my family and my peeps.

Take care of my little 3 legged cat that is healing up from a vicious new dog in our neighborhood that attacked him.

Have a great weekend. And if you know anything about juicing drop me a link to your favorite sites.

THIS JUST IN—–>

Liberty woman who is said to have joined a “30 day challenge,” with a local trainer by the name of Mendy Shriver, has just been detained inside the Red Robin restaurant in Liberty. Witnesses say she was seen leaving the hostess store at 5:30 this evening with 10 boxes of ho-ho’s in her arms shouting, “Baabababaababbabbabaaaba.” She then sped away and was seen entering Culvers. Workers there describe her as, “disheveled” and “disorderly.” One employee said she shouted obscenities at her when she refused to make her a turtle sundae in the 64 oz cup. She demanded four #4 meals and then left with out paying. The manager says she did offer to have her husband come back and pay later, but she hurriedly left in a frenzy of french fries and chocolate. Eventually, the woman ended up at Red Robin when authorities were called because, “A customer was in the kitchen making her own double decker onion ring tower.” When apprehended the Liberty woman was hunkered down inhaling the “Whisky River BBQ Burger” (add bacon.) She was covered in ranch dressing and had steak fries in her hair. Witnesses say that as police escorted her off the property she was yelling something about a to-go box. A very sad, sad scene in Liberty tonight, ladies and gentlemen. John is next with a story about how eating out can alleviate stress, John?…

That sounds like the diary of a mad dieting woman. I weighed in this morning. I didn’t lose. The scale said I gained 1 lb. I shouted an obscenity at the scale. Really. I’ve worked…hard. But, I’ve had a few slip ups, and, I’m also…shall we say right in the middle of The Blessed Week. So tonight was supposed to be my free night. I give myself a free night after my weigh ins. Lately they haven’t felt so “free.” There is a lot of pressure to indulge, but not too much, but definitely to indulge, and hope the guilt doesn’t carry over to the next day. So tonight I decided to abstain, from my “free meal.” I ate the hell out of some salad, some über-healthy salad with vinegar and red wine. I made myself eat the, less than decadent spread, knowing that when hunger staved, the desire for palate drowning foods would subside. And it did.

So here I am. Reaffirming that another successful day is done, and counts big time mentally for me. That I am alive, and well, becoming less fat and more happy. There’s a cup of Aveda calming tea calling my name and maybe even a late movie. Life is good…without all the crap.