Dusty Canvases

Good morning…It’s another day, another hour passing, another blog post that begs to be more than meaningless words.

Weight loss, that’s what this blog is supposedly about, ok. Eph that. I need to just swirl everything into one focused thought. Losing weight, that’s good. Losing the behaviors that keep one in  self medicating  states, even better.

My struggles:

Anxiety

Fear

Fat

Loneliness

Laundry

Not kidding. I’m just a regular woman on a path, yesterday I felt like a girl and thought you saw me as that too until you called Ma’am one too many times. Just wait little woman, your day is coming. That’s the funny thing about life, no one gets out of this easy, if your lucky you’ll get wrinkles, you’ll love and lose it, you’ll die a thousands deaths in your heart and be left with emptiness of body and soul…and the sun will rise again in the morning, inviting you to do it all over again.

Since I have stopped using food medication, my anxiety level has raised to the point where I can feel it in my body. Not a great feeling. It really crept up on me, and guess what I am doing more of? Smoking. It relaxes me and I love it. I know it’s bad for me, inhale, which is why I have to get this crossed off my feel good list, yesterday.

Oddly enough, I am in the best shape of my life, I run once or twice a week and ride my bike an average of sixty to seventy miles a week. I am posting all of this because I need to say it. I am not going to pretend that life is roses or cherries all the ephing time, nor is it always cigarettes and Cheetos.

Desperate for middle ground and balance.

I haven’t hit my second goal, but I don’t care. Not a cop-out. I don’t care if it takes me two years to get this weight off because with each pound I am uncovering old pieces of myself that must be dealt with. Like spelunking in the attics of my life, the deeper I go the dustier the canvases become, and as I pull them off I discover a treasure buried there. Some treasure requires more time, more love, more preservation. Some, require burning. I didn’t get this way overnight. I won’t give up on me. Even if me takes forever.

My husband has been such a good man during this season in my life. He walks with me and deals with my high drama and emotional vomit. I won’t candy coat it,  he’s a pain in the ephhing ass too sometimes. But he’s a man, and we’re so different. I don’t pretend we have a marriage made in wonderland. We have a very real marriage. We wrestle it out, there are days we can’t stand each other, and days we want to be close. He’s a good friend, a good daddy, a good companion. I cringe at the thought of what his blog would say about me:) He doesn’t blog by the way…lucky me.

What you missed while I was away:

My Triathlon, I did it. Although I almost forgot how to swim, but I did it. YAY!

Atlanta, learned some lessons about myself while spending time with my dearest friend.

New job, forthcoming.

Made another video for the ANCC Art of Nursing film festival, not really creative, just helped a friend, earned a trip to LA in October.

 

 

 

Oklahoma where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain!

I am in Oklahoma this week, decided to hang out here after coming down Sunday night to watch my sister and my Dad go skydiving Monday. It was always her dream to go with him and for his sixtieth birthday she made it happen. I was really proud of both of them, and they had a great time.

When I decided to come here I had mixed emotions. Taking any kind of trip away from home makes me a little nervous these days. I have a routine at home, my job is to eat right, exercise, take care of the kids, and hopefully get a few loads of laundry done and cook a few meals. Leaving that umbrella of security I worry that I won’t be able to stay on plan. Luckily, my sister is doing Body by Vi so she’s also in the zone which is extremely helpful to me. I also know that this is good practice for me, life will always go on, and vacations and getaways can’t always be an excuse to go off on a self-depreciating food binge…doesn’t make sense anymore.

Why it ever made sense is a conundrum. The worst part of food addiction is that it’s unrelenting. The biblical terms that come to mind are, “a continual lust for more.” Ephesians 4:19
That’s one of the reasons I don’t want to even dip my foot in the waters of chips and chocolate, I know that kind of food does not nourish. I am still very much aware that I am not out of the water, I am going to have to keep sharp, eyes open, head in the game.

My goal is threefold and I have made it to the first milestone. I weigh about two hundred and nineteen pounds. I weighed two hundred and fifty-eight pounds this time last year. That’s almost forty pounds, and I am very proud of how far I’ve come. I would like to lose sixty more, I have two goal dates, August and November, I am running a 5k in July and I am biking regularly. I am excited and scared at the same time, but I am taking it one day at a time.

Since I’ve been here I’ve ran, and I’ve cycled. I set out and biked seventeen miles of uncharted Ponca City terrain Monday, it was awesome, I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow. I rode the new Dolce Compact Sport and it was so much better than the hybrid. I rode past some amazing homes, they had to be at least a half a million dollars, but remember this is Oklahoma, and you better believe there was a pick-up truck parked at every one of them, cracked me up.

So the rest of this week has lots of fun in the sun in store, movie nights with my sis, a glass or three of wine, and lots of reflection. There are no piles of laundry taunting me, no floors that need mopping and no weeds staring up at me begging to be pulled, well at least not any that are on my property, haha, my sister does’t read this.

Have a great week everyone, get out there and sweat a little, eat a few veggies, and start loving yourself, you deserve it.

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Three Blondes and Yarmulke

 

Good morning. I have to admit I started a blog entry late one night after a few glasses of wine in Atlanta, it never got published. I have this thing about posting from my phone, I hate it. I never feel like I can really proof-read and get a feel for it that way. I looked back to see what exactly I was writing about and couldn’t even find it so there’s that. I know one of the predominating themes was about exercise. I worked out on the bike before I left Thursday, then went to the hotel gym on Friday, I came back to my room and got ready and I realized something, I wasn’t overly proud of myself for working out. Now this could be a good thing or it could be a bad thing, for me, it was good.

Up until that point I always felt overly accomplished after a workout, a yay me attitude. Why? Because it was outside of my normal. Friday, after getting up at the crack of dawn the day of the trip, then going to the hotel gym that morning, it began to feel like my new normal. Not having to pat myself on the back, and feeling like it was a normal part of the day is a major milestone in my life. Exercise is becoming my new normal. I love that.

Atlanta was amazing. We saw some great friends of ours from Pen-der-grass. I have to say it that way because it’s the only way I know how to pronounce it right. Otherwise, I get it all mucked up. They live in my dream home, they are kindred spirits, they are Jeff and Joanna Daar. We went to a restaurant called Two Urban Licks. It’s in a warehouse, off the beaten path, hard to find, edgy with a cool vibe but the burger was just ok. Hubs and I shared, but I had a bit of the bistro steak the Darrs were eating and…that was a proper friggin’ meal. When the dessert menu came I was less than impressed and we had developed a good rapport with our server at this point so I asked her, “Ok, nothing against your dessert  here, but where can we get some amazing dessert and drinks?” She came back after pow-wowing with a friend and told us about, The Chocolate Bar. We rolled to Decatur and I promptly ordered the signature martini called, The Chocolate Bar, and let’s just say it is an experience I won’t soon forget, pure chocolate ecstasy. Later that night we headed to little five points to a place called Dad’s Garage. It was an improv theater that had us rolling at the end with a rendition of my friend Joanna’s life and me as her roommate. Good times.

I got to spend the next few days with my girlfriend Nina as she readied for her big day. It was so much fun and she is a crack up! My favorite part was the day before the wedding were getting nails done and she looks at me with panic in her eyes and says, “I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY DRESS!” Luckily they were open the next morning so it worked out fine, but I just wished I lived closer. I would have loved to help her with all the little details. They had a beautiful wedding, she looked gorgeous and even though I couldn’t be her BFF and had to make room for the groom that night, I was able to really get to know some of her Atlanta people. One of my very favorites was Pierce, words can’t describe how much fun we had, he will forever be a friend! He is her hairdresser, by the way, and a damn good one at that. I also got to meet two of her friends from childhood that I had heard so many stories about and it was cool to sit in the hotel lounge at two am, sharing french fries and talking with them about her.

I almost forgot the best part, we tried to find a club to dance at but the club down the street at the W was…not as we expected. Big club, the entrance was pretty fabulous, long candle lit hallway, music, then a large fabulous elevator, then another long hallway, and finally the entrance. It reminded me of The Tower of Terror ride at Disney. Once we actually go in the club we quickly realized there was no dance floor. Just lot’s of twenty-somethings, getting their drink on and dancing on leather sofa’s. The  mere fact that I use words like sofa disqualified me from being there. We left about as quickly as we arrived save five minutes on the balcony where we huddled together and tried to look cool. Back at the Hyatt we heard music coming from a ballroom, good music, then we saw dancing, oh yeah, another wedding! It was my first time crashing a wedding and if you’ve never done it let me tell you, thrilling! But three blondes don’t mix in real well at a Jewish wedding, noted after dancing for a while and seeing the yarmulkes here and there and then finally the chuppah, a canopy under which a Jewish couple stand during their wedding ceremony. After a quick stop at the open bar we made a hasty exit but not before one of Nina’s childhood friends called me an obscenity usually reserved for wimpy men, for not stealing getting her some french fries from the french fry bar. She’s the same girl that tripped on the same step leaving as she did coming in. I didn’t take it personally. We got her some fries in the lobby, she was fine. The next day, once word had gotten out, Nina’s mother-in-law said she received and invite from that family when they met at the hotel, and if we had explained who we were it would have been fine, I didn’t feel so bad after that but it kind of took the fun out of it. Grin.

All in all it was the best little holiday ever, I keep reliving moments in my head. I have more to write but a friend is expecting me for breakfast. More on the bloody nasty mess of a knee I have after my bike wreck Wednesday. Can’t wait to get back out there!