Dusty Canvases

Good morning…It’s another day, another hour passing, another blog post that begs to be more than meaningless words.

Weight loss, that’s what this blog is supposedly about, ok. Eph that. I need to just swirl everything into one focused thought. Losing weight, that’s good. Losing the behaviors that keep one in  self medicating  states, even better.

My struggles:

Anxiety

Fear

Fat

Loneliness

Laundry

Not kidding. I’m just a regular woman on a path, yesterday I felt like a girl and thought you saw me as that too until you called Ma’am one too many times. Just wait little woman, your day is coming. That’s the funny thing about life, no one gets out of this easy, if your lucky you’ll get wrinkles, you’ll love and lose it, you’ll die a thousands deaths in your heart and be left with emptiness of body and soul…and the sun will rise again in the morning, inviting you to do it all over again.

Since I have stopped using food medication, my anxiety level has raised to the point where I can feel it in my body. Not a great feeling. It really crept up on me, and guess what I am doing more of? Smoking. It relaxes me and I love it. I know it’s bad for me, inhale, which is why I have to get this crossed off my feel good list, yesterday.

Oddly enough, I am in the best shape of my life, I run once or twice a week and ride my bike an average of sixty to seventy miles a week. I am posting all of this because I need to say it. I am not going to pretend that life is roses or cherries all the ephing time, nor is it always cigarettes and Cheetos.

Desperate for middle ground and balance.

I haven’t hit my second goal, but I don’t care. Not a cop-out. I don’t care if it takes me two years to get this weight off because with each pound I am uncovering old pieces of myself that must be dealt with. Like spelunking in the attics of my life, the deeper I go the dustier the canvases become, and as I pull them off I discover a treasure buried there. Some treasure requires more time, more love, more preservation. Some, require burning. I didn’t get this way overnight. I won’t give up on me. Even if me takes forever.

My husband has been such a good man during this season in my life. He walks with me and deals with my high drama and emotional vomit. I won’t candy coat it,  he’s a pain in the ephhing ass too sometimes. But he’s a man, and we’re so different. I don’t pretend we have a marriage made in wonderland. We have a very real marriage. We wrestle it out, there are days we can’t stand each other, and days we want to be close. He’s a good friend, a good daddy, a good companion. I cringe at the thought of what his blog would say about me:) He doesn’t blog by the way…lucky me.

What you missed while I was away:

My Triathlon, I did it. Although I almost forgot how to swim, but I did it. YAY!

Atlanta, learned some lessons about myself while spending time with my dearest friend.

New job, forthcoming.

Made another video for the ANCC Art of Nursing film festival, not really creative, just helped a friend, earned a trip to LA in October.

 

 

 

Tom Dooley and the Obesity gods

Guess what I did yesterday? I weighed in on the hospital scale, and can you guess what it said? 222 pounds. That’s still three pounds higher than a few weeks ago. Ah, bummer, right? Poor me, I should go weigh on another medical scale because this one, it’s wrong.

Cut to me sneaking into an alcove of the emergency room that holds the most often used scale, slip off my scrub coat, my badge, my stethoscope, my shoes, try not to look conspicuous and pray like crazy an ambulance doesn’t arrive and someone comes to get the scale.

222…f..u..d..g..e.

I wan’t some, NOW!

Really? Last week I rode forty-two miles on my bike and  ran 6 miles. I cursed. Oh yes I did girl, yes I did! For the past two weeks I have been lax at work, eating what I wanted but trying to portion things out. I was giving myself a little… breaksy. I had hoped against hope that someone, anyone would bring in doughnuts…no one did. I have passed up the doughnuts for three months and dadblastit I was going to have some. No one brought anything unhealthy.

This weekend I was serious again. No cheating, just good old-fashioned healthy vittles! I had packed my lunch with tomato bisque, salad, peppers, chicken sausage, oatmeal with almonds for breakfast, shakes ready to go for supper and then promptly left it at home.

Then 222 hit me. All that exercise. 222.

Again, cue me, head hanging like Tom Dooley, feeling sorry for myself, I round the corner and like the gods of obesity were in command I see SEVEN $#$@% BAGS OF DOUGHNUTS sitting on the trough.  That’s what we call the place people put food to share with the entire ER. Here’s the best part, the doc that brought em’…sitting in a chair eating her perfectly portioned bag of almonds. Bitch.

Sorry.

Well, I lifted up my head and walked straight by those little nuggets of evil sent by the obesity gods, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and had the best weekend of eating yet! 

 Or…I walked over to those doughnuts and scooby-doo’d more than I care to share on the very public blog. I then went on to continue the self loathing for lunch by having a mystery meat cheesy grilled sandwich, chips, and later ate some of the best little fruit tart cookies off the trough again. Three or four I can’t remember, but at this point, none of it really  matters. I came home and had pizza and salad and ate a pop-tart later when no one was looking.

Shaking head back and forth. Not a good day in the old play book Ro.

About today, what did I do about today? I shook it off, I bounced around in my corner, I pulled out all the no excuses language, I got mad at the obesity gods, I refused to die today. Today I ate:

  1. Two hard-boiled eggs
  2. Spring mix salad, avocado, chicken sausage
  3. I had FOUR tortilla chips from the trough with guacamole I made for one of our docs who is leaving.
  4. Chocolate Shakeology shake before meeting my family at Hunan Garden for Father’s Day dinner.
  5. Three pieces of honey chicken, small serving combo fried rice, one crab rangoon.
And a side of peace and restored self-respect tonight. Feeling sorry for oneself is a dangerous cancer. If I hadn’t been so consumed with silly little numbers I would have been able to keep perspective. Like, it’s a very bad time of the month, for me to weigh, I was still fully clothed and had a huge cup of coffee, and numbers are just numbers. I can’t let them control me that much. I am in this to win this. I cannot allow myself to jump ship because the scale doesn’t move.
Tomorrow I ride and I really can’t wait.
I need some extra accountability and I might try to start a Shakeology 30 Day Challenge and see if anyone wants to join me. I am still proud of how far I’ve come and how far I WILL go. I believe in me. 
Have a blessed night.


I am Stuck on Band-Aids…

Good morning! Today I will find my mojo, it’s amazing how a little getaway and slacking on nutrition can set you back. I didn’t gain a bunch of weight but I haven’t lost any more. After my bike accident last Wednesday night I was disheartened. I had planned to ride about sixteen miles and only made it about ten and a half, I had to call hubs because my knee was numb and I was bleeding a lot. It didn’t really start hurting until about thirty minutes later, and then it was incredibly painful. I am not sure if you can tell from the picture but the most damage was right below my knee, really gouged out, and cleaning the dirt and gravel out of it was…exciting in a very macabre way. I must admit I am actually kinda proud of it. Not the injury itself, per say, but that I didn’t let it stop me. I ran on it the next day, and today I will ride my bike again, assuming it still works, the bike not my knee. I haven’t really inventoried the damage so I might be sorely disappointed tonight, pun intended.

Tonight is my first ride with a group. I am meeting up with a group at The Wheel Cyclery in Gladstone to ride an 18-22 mile relaxed ride to the downtown airport. I have purchased a new Specialized Road bike, it will be ready sometime later this week. They had to order it for me, check it out——————>

It’s a Dolce Sport compact. I am really excited about it. We ordered it from Epic Bike and Sport in Kansas City, Mo. The guys there are awesome and very helpful, glad I talked to my friend Mendy from Fit by Burn for recommendations. Speaking of Mendy Shriver, she opened her new studio for Fit by Burn in Liberty recently, they had an open house on Saturday. You should check out her link if you live near Liberty, if anyone can light a candle under yo a$$, it’s her.

As for my ride tonight, I am pretty nervous. Here’s why:

  1. My bike and the hope that it works.
  2. My knee.
  3. Being a total Newb.
  4. If you happen to be a newb, don’t read this—> How To Dress PRO

Reading that article was somewhat daunting. I cannot compare myself to these people who are avid and experienced. I can’t for the life of me figure out why I do that to myself. I think lots of people do that to themselves, ok maybe not my husband, I can actually hear him lecturing me now about comparing myself to these pro’s. Stephan, if you are reading this, consider it done. I have the lecture on my hard drive. Thanks. 

I guess that’s what the day has in store for me. I will leave you with some great uplifting music to work out to. If you like Rap but are not into bi#c%e$, hoe’s, money, and drugs, Lecrae fits the bill. He has a brand new mix tape out, called Church Clothes that’s pretty good. Down load it here, FREE. Have a Blessed Day!

Three Blondes and Yarmulke

 

Good morning. I have to admit I started a blog entry late one night after a few glasses of wine in Atlanta, it never got published. I have this thing about posting from my phone, I hate it. I never feel like I can really proof-read and get a feel for it that way. I looked back to see what exactly I was writing about and couldn’t even find it so there’s that. I know one of the predominating themes was about exercise. I worked out on the bike before I left Thursday, then went to the hotel gym on Friday, I came back to my room and got ready and I realized something, I wasn’t overly proud of myself for working out. Now this could be a good thing or it could be a bad thing, for me, it was good.

Up until that point I always felt overly accomplished after a workout, a yay me attitude. Why? Because it was outside of my normal. Friday, after getting up at the crack of dawn the day of the trip, then going to the hotel gym that morning, it began to feel like my new normal. Not having to pat myself on the back, and feeling like it was a normal part of the day is a major milestone in my life. Exercise is becoming my new normal. I love that.

Atlanta was amazing. We saw some great friends of ours from Pen-der-grass. I have to say it that way because it’s the only way I know how to pronounce it right. Otherwise, I get it all mucked up. They live in my dream home, they are kindred spirits, they are Jeff and Joanna Daar. We went to a restaurant called Two Urban Licks. It’s in a warehouse, off the beaten path, hard to find, edgy with a cool vibe but the burger was just ok. Hubs and I shared, but I had a bit of the bistro steak the Darrs were eating and…that was a proper friggin’ meal. When the dessert menu came I was less than impressed and we had developed a good rapport with our server at this point so I asked her, “Ok, nothing against your dessert  here, but where can we get some amazing dessert and drinks?” She came back after pow-wowing with a friend and told us about, The Chocolate Bar. We rolled to Decatur and I promptly ordered the signature martini called, The Chocolate Bar, and let’s just say it is an experience I won’t soon forget, pure chocolate ecstasy. Later that night we headed to little five points to a place called Dad’s Garage. It was an improv theater that had us rolling at the end with a rendition of my friend Joanna’s life and me as her roommate. Good times.

I got to spend the next few days with my girlfriend Nina as she readied for her big day. It was so much fun and she is a crack up! My favorite part was the day before the wedding were getting nails done and she looks at me with panic in her eyes and says, “I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY DRESS!” Luckily they were open the next morning so it worked out fine, but I just wished I lived closer. I would have loved to help her with all the little details. They had a beautiful wedding, she looked gorgeous and even though I couldn’t be her BFF and had to make room for the groom that night, I was able to really get to know some of her Atlanta people. One of my very favorites was Pierce, words can’t describe how much fun we had, he will forever be a friend! He is her hairdresser, by the way, and a damn good one at that. I also got to meet two of her friends from childhood that I had heard so many stories about and it was cool to sit in the hotel lounge at two am, sharing french fries and talking with them about her.

I almost forgot the best part, we tried to find a club to dance at but the club down the street at the W was…not as we expected. Big club, the entrance was pretty fabulous, long candle lit hallway, music, then a large fabulous elevator, then another long hallway, and finally the entrance. It reminded me of The Tower of Terror ride at Disney. Once we actually go in the club we quickly realized there was no dance floor. Just lot’s of twenty-somethings, getting their drink on and dancing on leather sofa’s. The  mere fact that I use words like sofa disqualified me from being there. We left about as quickly as we arrived save five minutes on the balcony where we huddled together and tried to look cool. Back at the Hyatt we heard music coming from a ballroom, good music, then we saw dancing, oh yeah, another wedding! It was my first time crashing a wedding and if you’ve never done it let me tell you, thrilling! But three blondes don’t mix in real well at a Jewish wedding, noted after dancing for a while and seeing the yarmulkes here and there and then finally the chuppah, a canopy under which a Jewish couple stand during their wedding ceremony. After a quick stop at the open bar we made a hasty exit but not before one of Nina’s childhood friends called me an obscenity usually reserved for wimpy men, for not stealing getting her some french fries from the french fry bar. She’s the same girl that tripped on the same step leaving as she did coming in. I didn’t take it personally. We got her some fries in the lobby, she was fine. The next day, once word had gotten out, Nina’s mother-in-law said she received and invite from that family when they met at the hotel, and if we had explained who we were it would have been fine, I didn’t feel so bad after that but it kind of took the fun out of it. Grin.

All in all it was the best little holiday ever, I keep reliving moments in my head. I have more to write but a friend is expecting me for breakfast. More on the bloody nasty mess of a knee I have after my bike wreck Wednesday. Can’t wait to get back out there!