Happy happy happy

New year that is, my husbands new favorite obsession is Duck Dynasty and everytime I think of the word happy I think about that show, and my husbands chirping around the house, “Happy, happy, happy…”

I read a Christmas card from a friend recently who told me I should keep this blog going, and he’s right, I should, I’ve missed it.

So about doing life, I am, or rather, it’s doing me. Life has a way of taking you by surprise and just when you think you are in control of things, BOOM, you realize your actually in the trunk of life’s Ford Fiesta, well hatchback, and your hanging on and wishing Life would put down the can of Schlitz and pull over at the next bus stop so you can get out.

That made no sense at all, but yet, it did. I’ve had an interesting year, arguably one of the most interesting I’ve had in awhile. On February 28th last year, I decided to tackle weight loss. That summer I ran my first 5k and then did my first triathlon. Later I found out that I was going to be a grandma, and then a big job change, Thanksgiving, a hospitalization, Christmas and all the yummy goodness that it brings. January 1 I had some decisions to make, up 20 lbs from my lowest weight, 30 to go to get back to that dreadful place I once was.

Bottom line? I am learning to love myself more each day, learning that I need grace just as much as the underdog I am always defending, hrm, is that irony? I’ve never really understood irony.
I feel best when my stomach is empty but my heart is full. Don’t misinterpret that.

Today was easier than yesterday.
It’s not about a number, ever.
Feeling good is a place I choose to go.
By body responds to less carbohydrates.
I can’t wait for spring when I reunite with my bike.
Exercise is my prescription for feeling good, not weight loss, but they work together.
I am the same girl at any weight. I am still loving, and passionate, and worthwhile.

Just some randomness to begin 2013, have a blessed day.

So can you…

This is way overdue. I’ll explain, you see this series called Mad Men, is taking up my extra time. Tonight, I have a glass of red and I’m in. Must. Update. Blog.

Pushed through plateau, continuing to lose, working out hard, eating small. The single biggest thing that has helped me continue to lose is this, go to bed hungry-ish. Going to bed hungry-ish does mean lots of things though, such as, I ate a small healthy dinner, I didn’t go buck wild all day long, cut my carbs after lunch, and emotional eating…not allowed. 

As for that, emotional eating, it lingers there just below the surface, I feel it beckoning me to give in every now and then. It’s tempting, I’ll admit it, until I remember the real cesspool it always brings me to. Guilt, shame, hopelessness, unrelieved anxiety and…a bigger ass. Yeah, there’s that.

Here is the real whopper, I officially signed up for…wait for it, wait for it…a TRIATHLON. Sprint, of course. It’s a 500 meter swim, 10 mile bike, and 5K run. I’ve trained like crazy, self studying for a training guide and freaking the eph out. I’m not really doing any weight training, but I will get back to that later. The race is in about 2 weeks so I am focusing on my swim and my run, I think the bike will be my favorite part. I don’t have any lofty ideas here people, I want to finish, like with a time not a DNF. I want to make it to the finish line, period. My body hurts every night, but to say I’ve done a triathlon, to know how hard I worked, that will be my prize.

So my weight, well when I started this blog I was 250. My last official weight before that was 258, that was last summer/spring. I weighed in at 209 this morning. This is a big deal for me. Why, you ask? Because the last time I weighed in at 209 was back in 1994. Yep, 18 eph-ing years ago, wow, it’s amazing how long I let my self go, and go, and go. I am so glad that one day I decided I was worth the effort. I am so glad that I decided I deserved to find fitness and comfort in my skin. I am so glad that I decided to stop self-abusing. 

And now the stakes are a little higher, I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have about 50 to go. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s getting brighter every day. And there’s this realization that the light is only a mirage, because getting to my goal weight isn’t really a destination. Staying at my goal is a state of mind that I am working on every day, so that when I arrive I will have already been to dress rehearsal and ready to do. It’s a daily walk of self-control and humility. It’s a place where loving yourself means passing up the cookies now and then and giving yourself exercise as a gift. It’s a contemplative, honest, place where ones faults are reconciled daily and life can move on. It’s a place where I teeter now.

Inhale, exhale. I deserve this. I can do this. I can do this. 

And so can you.

Check out my triathlon site and feel free to support me if you like.

Matt Mason Cowboy up Triathlon

And here’s a few highlights from my very first 5k! The Kansas City Glow Run!

The Dream Crusher & The Latin Rock Band that Made it all Better

Lots on my mind tonight. First of all I have to confess something. I made cookies yesterday, just enough for the kids and thier friends to each have one of my homeade buckaroos. It’s my grandmother’s recipe, cocnut, chocolate chips, oatmeal, and I add some coarsely chopped almonds, yum. There was one that happened to be left over, I tried to get my friend to eat it and she declined. So there it sat, all day log, alone, on the cold glass stovetop.

Later, I came home from dinner and a movie with my family, and there it sat, still alone, rejected… scrumptious. So I took it, into my hand and gave it a home, in my tummy, with all the other bad food from the night. Later, I invited acai dark chocolate berries to the party. It wasn’t a good feeling, to go to bed full. I am getting used to going to bed hungryish. Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper. I am still having trouble with the big breakfast thing. I would rather do meals this way; price, king, pauper.

I went on a ride to the community center tonight, ready to swim some laps and ride home. My brick workout, where you stack two types of exercises from the tri. Being the newb that I am I forgot a lock for my bike and the silver headed rule follower working the front desk was under no circumstances going to let me bring my bike in. I all but begged, but no, said she didn’t want to be yelled at being new and all. That, and I suspect it gave her great pleasure to crush my dreams. Why do some people roll like that? I pictured her later that night eating her pot pie watching wheel of fortune feeling quite satisfied with herself, as if she’d done some great favor to the universe.

I ended up riding twenty miles and loving it! Tomorrow I will try to swim and run, but the best part about tonight was my new clip-less pedals and shoes. It felt a little like wearing tap shoes and bike riding but it was great! I don’t know if it was the coffee, or the shakeology I mixed with it, or maybe even the shoes but my ride was phenom. The hills were cake, I had no problems with them. I’ve been told that the shoes would help on hills and they must have, it was an entire different riding experience. Kudos to they guys at Epic bike and sport in near Parkville, Mo. Those guys are certifiably the best crew and bike shop I’ve been in so far. Which is why I pass two other bike shops and go all the way over there from Liberty to shop them. Service, it still works.

So I rode and rode and could have ridden another ten easily. I made myself go home because it was getting dark. Oye Como Va, the Santana rendition not the Tito Puente version, is now my official last song of the ride, it’s perfect. I’ve fallen in love with cycling.

Saint Paul

Wow, tonight was a hard ride. Made it to the downtown airport in mid pack and by the ride home I was at the back, thank God for a nice little man named Paul that wouldn’t drop me. I’m sure he was at least sixty. At one point, I was climbing what one guy referred to as, a short but steep little bastard,  Paul could tell I was struggling, he stayed right by me and said, “It only gets better from here, you have the best year of your life ahead of you,” in a hushed tone. I couldn’t believe my ears, I didn’t even know this guy and he was speaking life into me as I climbed that very nasty hill. I wanted to cry, I wanted to get off the bike, I wanted to stop, but then Paul told me exactly what I have thought in my heart for the past few months. I have the best year of my life ahead of me…keep pushing. 

I wanted to ask him to repeat what he just said, I wanted to make sure he said it, I could barely make out his words. It’s funny because he didn’t talk much, but when he did he made it count.

I made it, it was hot, I was miserable and I had a vibe for how the ride was going to go before I left. This was the first time I wasn’t super pumped to go. I am glad I did, I am glad I continued and didn’t call my husband to come and fetch me from the side of the road somewhere in downtown KC. I told Paul at the end of the ride, I know that if I just keep on doing this it will get a little easier every time. He said that was a true statement. And here’s the best part, I didn’t puke tonight.

I am officially starting a 30 Day Challenge! If you want to join me in this quest and want to try a month of Shakeology to supplement your nutrition please contact me! I want to do this with a group of people and see what we can do when we join forces, get accountable, and encourage each other. Near or far LETS DO THIS! Click here to read all about Shakeology!

It’s not the magic pill, shaking that is. But it is a healthy way to help curb cravings and get the needed vitamins, minerals, and essential amino acids your body needs and deserves, and it’s all natural, let me say that again, all natural. No artificial anything. That’s what I love.

Here is the magic pill, I am about to tell you what has worked for me over the past 3.5 months. I got motivated, encouraged, accountable, and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I watched you tube after you tube videos about people losing weight. I got out of my way and decided it was time and I was worth it. And by the grace of God I will continue to walk, run, and bike this journey, because I know I can.

Tom Dooley and the Obesity gods

Guess what I did yesterday? I weighed in on the hospital scale, and can you guess what it said? 222 pounds. That’s still three pounds higher than a few weeks ago. Ah, bummer, right? Poor me, I should go weigh on another medical scale because this one, it’s wrong.

Cut to me sneaking into an alcove of the emergency room that holds the most often used scale, slip off my scrub coat, my badge, my stethoscope, my shoes, try not to look conspicuous and pray like crazy an ambulance doesn’t arrive and someone comes to get the scale.

222…f..u..d..g..e.

I wan’t some, NOW!

Really? Last week I rode forty-two miles on my bike and  ran 6 miles. I cursed. Oh yes I did girl, yes I did! For the past two weeks I have been lax at work, eating what I wanted but trying to portion things out. I was giving myself a little… breaksy. I had hoped against hope that someone, anyone would bring in doughnuts…no one did. I have passed up the doughnuts for three months and dadblastit I was going to have some. No one brought anything unhealthy.

This weekend I was serious again. No cheating, just good old-fashioned healthy vittles! I had packed my lunch with tomato bisque, salad, peppers, chicken sausage, oatmeal with almonds for breakfast, shakes ready to go for supper and then promptly left it at home.

Then 222 hit me. All that exercise. 222.

Again, cue me, head hanging like Tom Dooley, feeling sorry for myself, I round the corner and like the gods of obesity were in command I see SEVEN $#$@% BAGS OF DOUGHNUTS sitting on the trough.  That’s what we call the place people put food to share with the entire ER. Here’s the best part, the doc that brought em’…sitting in a chair eating her perfectly portioned bag of almonds. Bitch.

Sorry.

Well, I lifted up my head and walked straight by those little nuggets of evil sent by the obesity gods, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and had the best weekend of eating yet! 

 Or…I walked over to those doughnuts and scooby-doo’d more than I care to share on the very public blog. I then went on to continue the self loathing for lunch by having a mystery meat cheesy grilled sandwich, chips, and later ate some of the best little fruit tart cookies off the trough again. Three or four I can’t remember, but at this point, none of it really  matters. I came home and had pizza and salad and ate a pop-tart later when no one was looking.

Shaking head back and forth. Not a good day in the old play book Ro.

About today, what did I do about today? I shook it off, I bounced around in my corner, I pulled out all the no excuses language, I got mad at the obesity gods, I refused to die today. Today I ate:

  1. Two hard-boiled eggs
  2. Spring mix salad, avocado, chicken sausage
  3. I had FOUR tortilla chips from the trough with guacamole I made for one of our docs who is leaving.
  4. Chocolate Shakeology shake before meeting my family at Hunan Garden for Father’s Day dinner.
  5. Three pieces of honey chicken, small serving combo fried rice, one crab rangoon.
And a side of peace and restored self-respect tonight. Feeling sorry for oneself is a dangerous cancer. If I hadn’t been so consumed with silly little numbers I would have been able to keep perspective. Like, it’s a very bad time of the month, for me to weigh, I was still fully clothed and had a huge cup of coffee, and numbers are just numbers. I can’t let them control me that much. I am in this to win this. I cannot allow myself to jump ship because the scale doesn’t move.
Tomorrow I ride and I really can’t wait.
I need some extra accountability and I might try to start a Shakeology 30 Day Challenge and see if anyone wants to join me. I am still proud of how far I’ve come and how far I WILL go. I believe in me. 
Have a blessed night.


Do or Die

Hello world. Isn’t that the first post of every blog. Well it seems like forever since I’ve posted so hello again.

Let’s get down to brass tacks…the nitty gritty…the low down dirdee heart of the matter. I haven’t lost any weight in probably three weeks. There’s that. I also haven’t gained, not really. I weigh about three pounds more that my lowest weight but it’s nothing of significance. Could be water or maybe I did gain a few pounds back but what matters to me is that I haven’t binged. I haven’t followed a superb diet plan, in fact I’ve eaten some junk. But the junks been interspersed with good old fashioned healthy and I chose small and leave food behind.

I have a second goal to meet by mid August. I need to get busy and serious, it’s just that I’ve been in this lingering funk and it’s do or die time for me. I’m thirty-eight years old and so thankful for this life, this opportunity to grow and make choices and live and love. It’s the pain I didn’t count on, the pain of life that can immobilize me and send me spiraling. It hasn’t yet, but I feel it’s presence looming over me and quiet whisper in my heart to do…or die.

It’s during this time when I am so weak that it’s most important for me to love myself, to work hard, to focus. I have an adult child that is taking a very different path than I dreamt for her. My faith is weak. I must let her go, give up control, not judge and pray without ceasing. In the end, life is life and she will go the way she chooses but I will always pray. She texted me for the first time in almost two months yesterday. I will take the little blessings and hold them tight.

I’m riding tonight. Hoping I won’t be in the back of the pack the entire time again but if I am so be it. At least I’m riding. Looking forward to getting back in the groove this week. Summer feels like its in full swing and the kids are keeping me busy.

Have a great day.

Oklahoma where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain!

I am in Oklahoma this week, decided to hang out here after coming down Sunday night to watch my sister and my Dad go skydiving Monday. It was always her dream to go with him and for his sixtieth birthday she made it happen. I was really proud of both of them, and they had a great time.

When I decided to come here I had mixed emotions. Taking any kind of trip away from home makes me a little nervous these days. I have a routine at home, my job is to eat right, exercise, take care of the kids, and hopefully get a few loads of laundry done and cook a few meals. Leaving that umbrella of security I worry that I won’t be able to stay on plan. Luckily, my sister is doing Body by Vi so she’s also in the zone which is extremely helpful to me. I also know that this is good practice for me, life will always go on, and vacations and getaways can’t always be an excuse to go off on a self-depreciating food binge…doesn’t make sense anymore.

Why it ever made sense is a conundrum. The worst part of food addiction is that it’s unrelenting. The biblical terms that come to mind are, “a continual lust for more.” Ephesians 4:19
That’s one of the reasons I don’t want to even dip my foot in the waters of chips and chocolate, I know that kind of food does not nourish. I am still very much aware that I am not out of the water, I am going to have to keep sharp, eyes open, head in the game.

My goal is threefold and I have made it to the first milestone. I weigh about two hundred and nineteen pounds. I weighed two hundred and fifty-eight pounds this time last year. That’s almost forty pounds, and I am very proud of how far I’ve come. I would like to lose sixty more, I have two goal dates, August and November, I am running a 5k in July and I am biking regularly. I am excited and scared at the same time, but I am taking it one day at a time.

Since I’ve been here I’ve ran, and I’ve cycled. I set out and biked seventeen miles of uncharted Ponca City terrain Monday, it was awesome, I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow. I rode the new Dolce Compact Sport and it was so much better than the hybrid. I rode past some amazing homes, they had to be at least a half a million dollars, but remember this is Oklahoma, and you better believe there was a pick-up truck parked at every one of them, cracked me up.

So the rest of this week has lots of fun in the sun in store, movie nights with my sis, a glass or three of wine, and lots of reflection. There are no piles of laundry taunting me, no floors that need mopping and no weeds staring up at me begging to be pulled, well at least not any that are on my property, haha, my sister does’t read this.

Have a great week everyone, get out there and sweat a little, eat a few veggies, and start loving yourself, you deserve it.

20120529-220057.jpg

Really??

I honestly can’t believe I just did that, referring to my last post that is. Posting pictures of myself in attire I wouldn’t even wear in my yard whilst gardening and uploading them to the inernet is either really courageous or assine. I don’t honestly know what to make of it other than maybe I’ve grown a pair and am starting to become the person I really want to be, and that means authenticity. If this is a tool I use in order to get the life I deserve, so be it. But I still think it’s bat shit crazy.

Reminds me of the SNL skit where Seth Meyers pauses, flashes my before and after and looks straight at me, “Really? Really? No, Ro, really?”

Ah well, what’s done is done. It helps a little that I don’t publicize this on my FB feed. As in, my close aquaintances don’t see this…hopefully. I started this really anonymously, at first it was private, then I let a few close friends and family memebers know about it. Then I just decided to get all hardcore about it and make it public.

Right now I am in our van waiting on the fam to “empty their bladders,” as hubs referred to it when talking to the children. He makes me laugh. The dog is sitting on my lap and we are heading to Oklahoma. The Dolce is in the back and I can’t wait to get up early and ride some Oklahoma roads.

I’m spending the week with my sister and looking forward to it. Not looking forward to this ride but maybe I can catch a nap. I haven’t eaten dinner and there is an evil McDonalds across the street starring me down like a cowboy with a loaded gun. Can you hear the showdown music playing…to be continued…

20120527-193308.jpg

First Group Ride

Bike ride synopsis:

  • What the hell was I thinking?
  • There were thirty or more people on the ride and I didn’t see one hybrid.
  • The owner of The Wheel Cyclery kicks ass, she stayed with me almost all of the time.
  • I was at the back of the pack the entire ride.
  • Did I mention the hills? 
  • Felt like a total NEWB.
  • Projectile Vomiting when I came home due to; not eating enough earlier, running earlier in the day, and it was hard as hill. 
  •  CAN’T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN…with my road bike which will be ready this week:)

Twenty-two miles in all, it was tough but I really want to do this again and get good at it. I really cannot wait to get my road bike and see how different it feels. The owner of the shop was awesome, she was so welcoming and encouraging. Every time we did some gruesome hill she would say, “That’s the last big one of the day!” I think she did this so I wouldn’t quit, I stopped believing her towards the end.  I am sure they were easy for her, she rides to and from work every day, and then is a group leader on these community rides. I kind of wish I had bought my bike at her shop, but the guys from Epic were totally cool. I think I will check her out though for my shoes and pedals. Being clipped in seemed to help many of the riders push harder. 

Oh yeah, I weighed this morning and I am down two more lbs. I need to post some before and after pics on here, I will try to get to that this week. I remember posting on here about being almost one hundred pounds overweight. It’s feels really good to not be there anymore. I would like to lose sixty more, I am enjoying this new lifestyle, I love eating to live and not stuffing my emotions. I love sweating. I love that I can fit everything in my closet, no more skinny clothes that I look at with regret. I love that I just realized that lots of them don’t fit, they are TOO big! Kick ass. 

Have a wonderful day. 

Food Toxicity

The morning is calling me. Every day I get up earlier and earlier to exercise and watch the sunrise. After being locked in my basement for two plus months with Shaun T and Insanity, working out in nature feels like…heaven. It’s one amazing high for me.

I started the couch to 5k Monday, it’s hard for me to go at that pace after Insanity, I feel like I could push myself more, but I’m choosing to trust the process and let my body adapt which is a big step for me. On my off days I am riding my bicycle, yesterday I rode fourteen miles in the country, it was amazing. I never realized how much I love being outdoors in nature.

I’ve blogged in the past about the voice in my head, the negative, pessimistic, self-defeating voice that I’ve worked hard to overcome. I reaffirm myself each time a negative thought or cynical attitude creeps in, I read positive literature, I search for others success stories, I work at changing that voice. The other day while riding my bike up a hill and pushing myself as hard as I could I heard another voice, had a new thought, however you describe it here is what it said, Don’t ever stop, keep going, you can do this. I knew it wasn’t just about that hill, it was about everything, this journey, this life, this pursuit of health and peace.

I have also posted before about having difficulty accepting the loss of foods major role in my life, the comforter. Being unable to run to the nearest baked good  has admittedly been anxiety provoking, but I can say with one hundred percent certainty that its pull is lessening in my life. I can imagine a happy, peaceful existence without living for the next bite. I’ve made it almost ten weeks this way and honestly, life feels clearer, more in focus than it ever has before. I am not on a diet, I loathe the word.

This goal for me has been three-fold, physical, spiritual, and scientific.

  1. Physical because I need to move, I need to sweat to get myself feeling again. I’ve numbed up so much that the exercise is life-giving at this point, let alone  the health benefits. I aim for an 80/20 eating style. Eighty percent of the time chose healthy foods to keep the body functioning. Healthy foods like greek yogurt, protein from organic meats and dairy, vegetables, and fruit. I try to drink shakeology for one meal because it is so good for me. I ingest less carbohydrates in the latter part of the day and try to go to bed wanting a little something, very difficult for someone who put the kids to bed and had ice cream every night, as a rule. I am still working on making breakfast the bigger meal and decreasing as I go.
  2. Spiritual because one does not get to being one hundred pounds overweight without acknowledging there is something deeper at going on. I did not get there by simply making a few bad food choices, I got there because of self-abuse, self-loathing, and food dependance. I had a severe case of food toxicity. I write to explore theses issues, I see a therapist to help me process anxiety and find it’s root, I pray to seek guidance on the journey and I reaffirm myself for encouragement. Surrounding yourself with positive people doesn’t hurt either. I believe that to lose weight and battle food toxicity, one must look deeper while seeking betterment. Without that process, the weight will most certainly come back, something I simply can’t allow to happen.
  3. The Scientific really goes along with physical but it’s part of the equation I am choosing to separate. Simple science makes it easy to shed pounds, if you work the process. And one cannot work the process unless there is determination, drive, and courage. Much of this in my life comes from number two. The process, calories in vs calories burned, glycemic index and blood sugar levels, hunger and fullness. The basic principal of hunger and fullness alone are enough to shed some weight. But finding the place where your body is hungry and cessation of eating with satiety are quite the extreme art for someone who has used food as a drug for most of their lives. Anyone can maintain a healthy weight by simply eating by the bodies cues of hunger and fullness, no matter how healthy the food is. Which is why you have people like my sister in law who will be a size three into her old age because she only eats by this rule, and she eats whatever she wants. Not a reason to stop choosing healthier options, just an observation. I will point out though that you can find her snaking on healthy foods as often as you see her having a cookie, because she lets her body be her guide and enjoys all foods.

I’ve had so many thoughts I’ve wanted to share but this has been an extremely busy week and I didn’t get to update as much as I wanted. I am going to have to update a bit more from my phone. My husband and I are leaving for Atlanta on Thursday morning for my best friends wedding, *goal box numero uno to the right. So where am I at on the goal you you ask? This morning I am two hundred twenty two pounds. Two pounds from the goal. We will be eating eat as soon as we get there and the celebration continues until Sunday morning at a Mother’s Day Brunch at the hotel we will be staying at, needless to say, continued loss may be difficult. I am determined to make the goal though, so we will see.

I’ll leave you with a bit of encouragement from a former paratrooper in the gulf war. Thanks for all of you who read this, and feel free to comment. Godspeed.

CLICK HERE FOR REDICUlLOUS INSPIRATION—-> Never, Ever Give Up.