Blog from the Bike

I just finished my workout given to me by fireman trainer Gus. My partner had a date with a biscuit so I had to go it alone. It’s ok though, it’s done, and I didn’t think I was going to be able to do it, mostly because my legs and butt and arms hurt so bad already. I sweat and I worked hard and I listened to “For Today” the Christian metal core band from Iowa during the whole thing and even as I post this.

Regarding Christian metal core; it’s awesome! I’ve never been a huge fan of metal, save the stent in high school when I hung around a bunch of metal heads, rap has always been my preferred workout genre. It’s definitely growing on me and I need some new bands to download. The fact that its Christian and metal core is…different? I can’t have negative, non life giving music in my head, but I need the excitement of the music. For Today combines the beauty of Gods encouraging spirit with fierce drum, guitar and melodies, and serious fuels my workouts.

That’s all…for today. Cheesy pun intended.

Happy happy happy

New year that is, my husbands new favorite obsession is Duck Dynasty and everytime I think of the word happy I think about that show, and my husbands chirping around the house, “Happy, happy, happy…”

I read a Christmas card from a friend recently who told me I should keep this blog going, and he’s right, I should, I’ve missed it.

So about doing life, I am, or rather, it’s doing me. Life has a way of taking you by surprise and just when you think you are in control of things, BOOM, you realize your actually in the trunk of life’s Ford Fiesta, well hatchback, and your hanging on and wishing Life would put down the can of Schlitz and pull over at the next bus stop so you can get out.

That made no sense at all, but yet, it did. I’ve had an interesting year, arguably one of the most interesting I’ve had in awhile. On February 28th last year, I decided to tackle weight loss. That summer I ran my first 5k and then did my first triathlon. Later I found out that I was going to be a grandma, and then a big job change, Thanksgiving, a hospitalization, Christmas and all the yummy goodness that it brings. January 1 I had some decisions to make, up 20 lbs from my lowest weight, 30 to go to get back to that dreadful place I once was.

Bottom line? I am learning to love myself more each day, learning that I need grace just as much as the underdog I am always defending, hrm, is that irony? I’ve never really understood irony.
I feel best when my stomach is empty but my heart is full. Don’t misinterpret that.

Today was easier than yesterday.
It’s not about a number, ever.
Feeling good is a place I choose to go.
By body responds to less carbohydrates.
I can’t wait for spring when I reunite with my bike.
Exercise is my prescription for feeling good, not weight loss, but they work together.
I am the same girl at any weight. I am still loving, and passionate, and worthwhile.

Just some randomness to begin 2013, have a blessed day.

So can you…

This is way overdue. I’ll explain, you see this series called Mad Men, is taking up my extra time. Tonight, I have a glass of red and I’m in. Must. Update. Blog.

Pushed through plateau, continuing to lose, working out hard, eating small. The single biggest thing that has helped me continue to lose is this, go to bed hungry-ish. Going to bed hungry-ish does mean lots of things though, such as, I ate a small healthy dinner, I didn’t go buck wild all day long, cut my carbs after lunch, and emotional eating…not allowed. 

As for that, emotional eating, it lingers there just below the surface, I feel it beckoning me to give in every now and then. It’s tempting, I’ll admit it, until I remember the real cesspool it always brings me to. Guilt, shame, hopelessness, unrelieved anxiety and…a bigger ass. Yeah, there’s that.

Here is the real whopper, I officially signed up for…wait for it, wait for it…a TRIATHLON. Sprint, of course. It’s a 500 meter swim, 10 mile bike, and 5K run. I’ve trained like crazy, self studying for a training guide and freaking the eph out. I’m not really doing any weight training, but I will get back to that later. The race is in about 2 weeks so I am focusing on my swim and my run, I think the bike will be my favorite part. I don’t have any lofty ideas here people, I want to finish, like with a time not a DNF. I want to make it to the finish line, period. My body hurts every night, but to say I’ve done a triathlon, to know how hard I worked, that will be my prize.

So my weight, well when I started this blog I was 250. My last official weight before that was 258, that was last summer/spring. I weighed in at 209 this morning. This is a big deal for me. Why, you ask? Because the last time I weighed in at 209 was back in 1994. Yep, 18 eph-ing years ago, wow, it’s amazing how long I let my self go, and go, and go. I am so glad that one day I decided I was worth the effort. I am so glad that I decided I deserved to find fitness and comfort in my skin. I am so glad that I decided to stop self-abusing. 

And now the stakes are a little higher, I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have about 50 to go. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s getting brighter every day. And there’s this realization that the light is only a mirage, because getting to my goal weight isn’t really a destination. Staying at my goal is a state of mind that I am working on every day, so that when I arrive I will have already been to dress rehearsal and ready to do. It’s a daily walk of self-control and humility. It’s a place where loving yourself means passing up the cookies now and then and giving yourself exercise as a gift. It’s a contemplative, honest, place where ones faults are reconciled daily and life can move on. It’s a place where I teeter now.

Inhale, exhale. I deserve this. I can do this. I can do this. 

And so can you.

Check out my triathlon site and feel free to support me if you like.

Matt Mason Cowboy up Triathlon

And here’s a few highlights from my very first 5k! The Kansas City Glow Run!

The Dream Crusher & The Latin Rock Band that Made it all Better

Lots on my mind tonight. First of all I have to confess something. I made cookies yesterday, just enough for the kids and thier friends to each have one of my homeade buckaroos. It’s my grandmother’s recipe, cocnut, chocolate chips, oatmeal, and I add some coarsely chopped almonds, yum. There was one that happened to be left over, I tried to get my friend to eat it and she declined. So there it sat, all day log, alone, on the cold glass stovetop.

Later, I came home from dinner and a movie with my family, and there it sat, still alone, rejected… scrumptious. So I took it, into my hand and gave it a home, in my tummy, with all the other bad food from the night. Later, I invited acai dark chocolate berries to the party. It wasn’t a good feeling, to go to bed full. I am getting used to going to bed hungryish. Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper. I am still having trouble with the big breakfast thing. I would rather do meals this way; price, king, pauper.

I went on a ride to the community center tonight, ready to swim some laps and ride home. My brick workout, where you stack two types of exercises from the tri. Being the newb that I am I forgot a lock for my bike and the silver headed rule follower working the front desk was under no circumstances going to let me bring my bike in. I all but begged, but no, said she didn’t want to be yelled at being new and all. That, and I suspect it gave her great pleasure to crush my dreams. Why do some people roll like that? I pictured her later that night eating her pot pie watching wheel of fortune feeling quite satisfied with herself, as if she’d done some great favor to the universe.

I ended up riding twenty miles and loving it! Tomorrow I will try to swim and run, but the best part about tonight was my new clip-less pedals and shoes. It felt a little like wearing tap shoes and bike riding but it was great! I don’t know if it was the coffee, or the shakeology I mixed with it, or maybe even the shoes but my ride was phenom. The hills were cake, I had no problems with them. I’ve been told that the shoes would help on hills and they must have, it was an entire different riding experience. Kudos to they guys at Epic bike and sport in near Parkville, Mo. Those guys are certifiably the best crew and bike shop I’ve been in so far. Which is why I pass two other bike shops and go all the way over there from Liberty to shop them. Service, it still works.

So I rode and rode and could have ridden another ten easily. I made myself go home because it was getting dark. Oye Como Va, the Santana rendition not the Tito Puente version, is now my official last song of the ride, it’s perfect. I’ve fallen in love with cycling.

Saint Paul

Wow, tonight was a hard ride. Made it to the downtown airport in mid pack and by the ride home I was at the back, thank God for a nice little man named Paul that wouldn’t drop me. I’m sure he was at least sixty. At one point, I was climbing what one guy referred to as, a short but steep little bastard,  Paul could tell I was struggling, he stayed right by me and said, “It only gets better from here, you have the best year of your life ahead of you,” in a hushed tone. I couldn’t believe my ears, I didn’t even know this guy and he was speaking life into me as I climbed that very nasty hill. I wanted to cry, I wanted to get off the bike, I wanted to stop, but then Paul told me exactly what I have thought in my heart for the past few months. I have the best year of my life ahead of me…keep pushing. 

I wanted to ask him to repeat what he just said, I wanted to make sure he said it, I could barely make out his words. It’s funny because he didn’t talk much, but when he did he made it count.

I made it, it was hot, I was miserable and I had a vibe for how the ride was going to go before I left. This was the first time I wasn’t super pumped to go. I am glad I did, I am glad I continued and didn’t call my husband to come and fetch me from the side of the road somewhere in downtown KC. I told Paul at the end of the ride, I know that if I just keep on doing this it will get a little easier every time. He said that was a true statement. And here’s the best part, I didn’t puke tonight.

I am officially starting a 30 Day Challenge! If you want to join me in this quest and want to try a month of Shakeology to supplement your nutrition please contact me! I want to do this with a group of people and see what we can do when we join forces, get accountable, and encourage each other. Near or far LETS DO THIS! Click here to read all about Shakeology!

It’s not the magic pill, shaking that is. But it is a healthy way to help curb cravings and get the needed vitamins, minerals, and essential amino acids your body needs and deserves, and it’s all natural, let me say that again, all natural. No artificial anything. That’s what I love.

Here is the magic pill, I am about to tell you what has worked for me over the past 3.5 months. I got motivated, encouraged, accountable, and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I watched you tube after you tube videos about people losing weight. I got out of my way and decided it was time and I was worth it. And by the grace of God I will continue to walk, run, and bike this journey, because I know I can.

Do or Die

Hello world. Isn’t that the first post of every blog. Well it seems like forever since I’ve posted so hello again.

Let’s get down to brass tacks…the nitty gritty…the low down dirdee heart of the matter. I haven’t lost any weight in probably three weeks. There’s that. I also haven’t gained, not really. I weigh about three pounds more that my lowest weight but it’s nothing of significance. Could be water or maybe I did gain a few pounds back but what matters to me is that I haven’t binged. I haven’t followed a superb diet plan, in fact I’ve eaten some junk. But the junks been interspersed with good old fashioned healthy and I chose small and leave food behind.

I have a second goal to meet by mid August. I need to get busy and serious, it’s just that I’ve been in this lingering funk and it’s do or die time for me. I’m thirty-eight years old and so thankful for this life, this opportunity to grow and make choices and live and love. It’s the pain I didn’t count on, the pain of life that can immobilize me and send me spiraling. It hasn’t yet, but I feel it’s presence looming over me and quiet whisper in my heart to do…or die.

It’s during this time when I am so weak that it’s most important for me to love myself, to work hard, to focus. I have an adult child that is taking a very different path than I dreamt for her. My faith is weak. I must let her go, give up control, not judge and pray without ceasing. In the end, life is life and she will go the way she chooses but I will always pray. She texted me for the first time in almost two months yesterday. I will take the little blessings and hold them tight.

I’m riding tonight. Hoping I won’t be in the back of the pack the entire time again but if I am so be it. At least I’m riding. Looking forward to getting back in the groove this week. Summer feels like its in full swing and the kids are keeping me busy.

Have a great day.

Late Night Snacking

I just got back from seeing Jim Gaffigan, that was awesome. Love a night of good old fashioned gut busting laughter, cures what ails ya, that’s what Gramps used to say. Who am I kidding? I didn’t have a “Gramps” and if I did he wouldn’t have said that. I had a Granddad and a Grandpa and neither of them really talked to kids. So there. Just kidding, they talked to me all the time, “Hey kid, go get yer ol’ Granddad another beer would ya? And no that’s not a question.” Oh, I’m a liar. My Granddad didn’t even drink beer. He drank whisky. My mothers going to kill me. Whatever, I just wish she read this blog, she’s too busy watching American Idol to care about my WLW. You know, weight loss wows. Mom, you know I love you, and Granddad was a fine man, a farmer, and I loved it when he would scare me by sticking his falsies out at me.

Anywho, I digress. JG was redonk, that’s suburbia cool mom speak for off the chain. What’s that mean anyway? My point is this; I’m eating an apple, which is my entire reason for this entry.  I wanted to update the masses, and by masses I mean the two people following this, that I am making good healthy decisions at 10:20 pm. I am Huunngeerie. So, I grabbed an apple. Yes, I want a medal, or at least some kind of certificate of achievement, complete with a gold embossed seal of authenticity from Michaels craft store. It would mean a lot, if either of you get the hankering.

That’s all for now. Sweet Dreams.

Team Peterson

Soooo frustrated. I lost about 3 lb. on Wednesday for a total of 8 lb. in two weeks. Seems pretty good, right? Wrong. I am stirred up about it, can’t get my mind off it. Weighed again this morning and I was UP 1 lb. What the what?!?! To top it off, I have been going to bed hungry, working out like crazy, and working this plan hardcore. I need to get off the hamster wheel and let it go. The results will come and me obsessing isn’t going to fix anything. Sigh.

So I had a waffle, with peanut butter, banana, some syrup, and one pice of bacon for breakfast. Hmph. Calories barely over 400, fruit and protein, but the sugar in the syrup I could have done without. I was sharing my breakfast with hubs this morning and my frustration with the scale and he sent me the sweetest text. So I saved it, and now I’m gonna share it:

That made my morning. Why? Because it helped me to see that even though the scale isn’t moving as fast as I’d like, and I know 8 lb. in two weeks is great, we live in a biggest loser world with the biggest loser mentality, we want it all and we want it fast,  other things are happening. I’m teaching my kids a better way to eat, my husband is encouraged, and it’s bringing us all a little closer. Like Team Peterson. The thought of that brings a smile to my face.

Now that I have that out in the open, I can gear up for another crazy morning with my new best fren, Shaun T:

 Yesterday I think I sweat so much I lost a cheeseburger. I really, really enjoy these workouts. He’s very motivating, it’s fast paced, and seems to go pretty quickly. I feel stronger already and can’t believe I have been doing this about 2 1/2 weeks now, not missing a single day during the week. It’s a good thing.

Ok, so that’s my update. Tell me what’s going on in your life! What tactics do you use when fighting temptation? What’s your favorite healthy food and how do you STAY OFF THE SCALE??

Have a great weekend!

Finding Moderation

Before I, “enter title here,” I always write first. When I am done writing, then I will know what to entitle the post. As for any direction this is headed, I have no idea, I am just writing to write at this point so I’ll start with my dietary intake for this, the thirteenth day of March, two-thousand eleven.

I woke up and had two pieces of peanut butter toast and coffee with hazelnut cream, oh yeah, this, was the highlight of my nutritional day. I  had cottage cheese and cantaloup with some cheddar cheese and ham on whole wheat crackers at a meeting this afternoon. Got busy and didn’t get supper, so now I am drinking a shake. It’s too late to be drinking a shake, it’s a nutritional, protein shake but man, it’s too late. I have a weigh in tomorrow and frankly, I like to have my food done by 6 pm before a weigh in. Oh well. I have to, have to, have to get in a minimum number of calories. The shake puts me at 1200, which is too low, and I know it. The experts keep saying if you don’t get enough calories you will put your body into starvation mode. Lol, I only buy this for awhile, because sooner or later your body will adapt. But, I accept it as truth and have been really trying to stay right about 1600 calories. Again for me, it’s either 1,000 or 3,000. Remember the intensity vs hardcore complacency theme.

So tomorrow is a weigh in day. I lost 5 lb. my first week and I’m not sure what to expect tomorrow. I’ve been working out, eating right, or eating better, and if  I get a really low number, I am afraid I will be disappointed and turn to food for comfort. That’s usually how my playbook reads. But, I am editing the book so all bets are off. I am doing good things for me, and even a 1 lb. loss will be good for me. Here is where the rubber hits the road. I can’t turn to food for comfort, food has stolen the best part of me. I press on, no matter what the number says. Tonight, the number in my heart says I have tried hard, it says I am worth these changes, it says slow and steady wins the race. And, when I have crossed the finish line I will continue to believe that the lifestyle I have adopted is worth continuing. I want to do this, if for no other reason than to role model good choices to my kids, for the way it feels at the checkout lane when my cart is full of fresh and healthy foods and I’m salivating over the way I am going to prepare that asparagus, and roast that whole chicken. This is a good thing. It’s not so big that it will take over my life, but big enough to change it. I will focus on my blessings, my family, and my God.

Finding Moderation. That’s it. That’s the title. I want to find moderation and examine the part of me that resists it. I will pry open that ugly place and fill it with asparagus, but only one succulent serving at a time.

Perspective

Bah. Here’s what I woke up with, the doldrums baby. Two days without exercise, exceeding my calorie limit last night at a Mexican restaurant even when eating no cheese, no guac, and choosing soup, minus the tortillas, had me sullen and discouraged. I’ve been thinking a lot, about calories, about exercise, about the role of food in my life and why it’s so hard to lose weight. I read a girls blog about losing weight the other day, and at the end of one particular post, about a day in which she ate too much, came the heart-wrenching comment, “I hate myself, I hate my (expletive) self, I hate myself.” I was saddened for her, but I could relate. It was a raw emotion that she courageously shared with the world, and I asked myself, “Why is this such a huge problem for so many women?”

I saw a dear friends Facebook status this morning, she posted, “Trying to get motivated to start eating healthy and working out again! I know what I need to do to get fit, but feel like my mind is not in it!!” This friend is one that I admire, she is self-controlled about food, has lost 40 lbs or so and kept it off, she encourages me, and so I called her, because I felt the same. We ended up encouraging one another, but there were some real questions we both had about weight. For instance, why, when we look back at our lives and remember a time when we were successful at losing weight or maintaining a healthy weight, do we remember feeling dissatisfied about ourselves? It seems like there is no arrival place when it comes to women and a state of positive body image.

I started to think more about this and wondered about the inner man. Could it be that we are feeding the inner man, the spiritual man (woman) with one of two things??  We all, save a small percent, feed our spirit with either the loss of weight/idolatry OR the indulgence of food. We were created to love and live with a passionate heart and so many times it gets lost in the world of food. We hide there, from the past, from the future, from ourselves. It is a journey, a hard journey, and we must first master the art of just being, before we can master the art of moderation and food. Food has to become a benign parallel in our lives. The bu guan xin, a spiritual indifference, literally meaning, “no relationship to the heart.” That is my journey. At any weight, I want my joy to be in LIFE, in GOD, in FAMILY, in things that last. Our satisfaction should be drawn from a deeper place.

What does this cost me? I could come up with a millions excuses not to do this. 

-Morbid obesity runs rampant in my family, it’s in my genes.

-Food is much too comforting to lose. (scary)

-It’s going to be too hard to watch everything I eat.

-I’m happy, I don’t need to lose weight to be happy. (lie)

-Statistics don’t lie:

“By some estimates, more than 80 percent of people who have lost weight regain all of it, or more, after two years. Researchers at the University of California at Los Angeles analyzed 31 long-term diet studies and found that about two-thirds of dieters regained more weight within four or five years than they initially lost.” -Gretchen Voss Women’s Health Magazine. 

Two-thirds. UGH. I don’t like that. I very strongly dislike that. I have to believe that again, if I’m not trying, I’m dying. I also have to believe that losing weight is NOT the end goal. The end goal for me, is to find that place where food’s comfort is no longer a source for me. A source of anything other than energy to be whatever it was I was put here on earth for. Bu guan xin, I become indifferent to it, there is no relationship to my heart. I hope that as I lose I will also grow, in spirit and courage. I will learn to live without the need for overindulgence, I will lose weight and learn to live more independently of empty things. So that when I get near my goal weight I won’t be left empty…without the loss of weight to reward me, nor the indulgence to appease me. I will be ok, I will just BE. This, is my prayer.